[TheForestSpirit]

Hello, I'm new here and couldn't really find a venting sub-forum and I thought of doing this here since I'm not sure about what my problem is.
Or could be.

I'm 21, I am a potential happy and creative person, but life has always been tough to live for me.

I don't really talk about this...
But my mom abandoned me the day of my 5th Birthday.

I grew up thinking that she had her own reasons and never made a big deal about it.
I often heard her crying at the phone while she talked with my dad and felt bad about that.
I always thought everything was my dad's fault, that he didn't let me with her.

I had a hard childhood, I never had a good relationship with my step mom or father, they were rather abusive.All they ever did was blaming me for being ''different'', telling me to fix myself and fit in.
But even if for years I felt like running away and never come back, a part of me told me I was overly dramatic and that maybe my life wasn't THAT bad. I could easily cope with it as long as I found activities that I liked.

I wasn't happy, but it was easier to live that way rather than say what I really wanted and try to make it better...

Until I reached the adult age and decided to fly across the world.
A really big transition, from a first world country to a starving one.
Just to be with my mother and recover all the lost years.

Well that was the biggest mistake of my life.

I believed my mom loved me even though she abandoned me.
I had no doubts, I thought that I kust have been like her since I was so ''different"
But now, I realized that she rejects me more than my father did.
I now think that she never really cared.
She never accepted me.
Even though I flew across the world to be with her.

I lost friends, the possibility to go to college, and now I'm stuck in this country.
What about my mom?
Well she flew again to be with a man in another country. Again.

I am on the verge of going crazy, I keep rejecting thoughts, I try to keep going, but I feel like I'm breaking.

Thank you for listening.

[CANDC]

hi The Forest Spirit. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you have suffered from abandonment and other challenges. Glad you have joined our community. I find Psych Central helps me find answers where before there were only questions. There is so much here. It is like a buffet of help, everyone picks what they like the best.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[(JD)]

Yeah... you can't go home again, even if you've never been there.

[StillIntending]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm lifting up a quick prayer for you.

[TheForestSpirit]

Originally Posted by StillIntending

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm lifting up a quick prayer for you.

Thank you, it isn't something that hurts me actively, but I think it really messes up with my brain sometimes.
You're a good soul I'm very grateful.
I hope you'll fell better soon as well, hugs!

[Dog on a Tree]

Is it possible for you to return to your home country? If not, then are you going to be ok in terms of finances, accommodation, etc.