[trinitytears]

All my life i have battled the voices in my head. Their constant whispers echo through my whole being and resonate a song of emptiness in my soul. They are always there to predict my failures and remind me that I am useless. But it's not just the voices in my head; the world outside me utters whispered threats and speaks of my imminent decline. In conversations that I can't quite make out, my mind fills in the blanks. Every "she" is of course me. And every word a statement of malcontentment. Even in their silence, I hear cries of disappointment . It is only a matter of time before they flee from me. Still, even in my solitude, the madness prevails. Alone and silent I feel her there, always inside me, always watching, waiting - waiting for her chance to be free. Though I don't know how she got there, I think she's always been there, quietly judging and biding her time. She looks like me and sounds like me, but her actions and behaviour differ greatly. She is rude and bossy and generally mean spirited, yet I admire her strength and resilience. She is not so much a voice, but an essence - a me that I wish I could be. But she is not me, for I am not her. She is Jules, that's who she's always been. I am aware of her constant presence but her swift assumption of control is always beyond my consciousness. When she is at the helm, nothing can bring me down, nothing can hurt me or phase me. She is a rock, a warrior,m y shield. But she leaves as sudden ly and silently as she arrives, and I am left in the wake if her destruction. Two lives living as one, two separate and distinct personalities - one damaged and beaten body. No one can explain what all this means, or what triggers my transformations. I think she takes over when she feels I can't manage or overcome a threat. Unfortunately, she does not come on command so her existence is like a mystery to me. I wish someone could define what's wrong with me. I wish someone would look at the "whole me". I'm tired of the "go to" bipolar diagnosis when clearly there is so much more going on. Does anybody out there understand? Can anybody help me?
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Trinitytears

[Skeezyks]

Hello trinitytears: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I don't want to go into detail here. But I do have some small sense of what you are experiencing. I wish I had a great suggestion for you. I don't. I presume you've been the therapy route. However, if your experience has been similar to mine, I doubt it did much good. I say this based on your comment regarding the "go to bipolar diagnosis". I've never actually received any kind of formal diagnosis. But I think if I were to be given one, it would simply be major depression & generalized anxiety disorder. I too, however, know that there is so much more to it than that. It's just easier for the professionals to toss out a common label & hand out the pills.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never really understand what happened with me, nor will I ever be any different. Fortunately I guess, in my case, I'm getting older now. So it just no longer makes any real difference. I have simply turned to working on developing compassion for myself just as I am, & living in the moment, as remedies for my life-long struggles. It's not easy. But it is what there is left. I wsh you well...