[CopperStar]

I'm not asking anyone to attempt to diagnose me or anything like that, but rather I am just wondering if anyone has any ideas on what could cause this sort of scenario.

So, my paternal bloodline has a history of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depression, anxiety disorders and so on. So throughout my life I have usually been open to the possibility of a mental illness, since it runs heavily in my genes.

However, I also had a very traumatic/abusive childhood, so that complicates things with stuff like panic attacks, hypervigilance, disassociation, etc.

It has all just always been very messy and complicated, and I have been through the revolving doors of mental health services for over a decade now, and have received several labels and best-guesses from professionals. It really feels like nothing fits me quite right, and like nobody has ever really known what is wrong with me, let alone how to fix it.

One issue I have is hallucinations. However, the way I experience them and my history with them does not fit what I read about schizophrenia.

For one, they started when I was a little kid. For examples, seeing snakes that were not there, hearing things alive and moving around in my bedroom at night even though there was nothing there, and seeing the smoke detector on the ceiling moving around (which scared me half to death). My understanding is that it's extremely, extremely rare for schizophrenia to manifest in a young child.

Second, I am always aware when something is a hallucination. My understanding of psychotic illnesses is that typically the person afflicted will lack insight and awareness, not realizing that they are hallucinating. The most recent example was at work about a couple weeks ago. A coworker asked me a question, and when I looked up at him, his eyes were completely black and supernatural looking, and the rest of his face was also distorted. It startled me on the inside, but I was able to just quickly look away and respond to his question normally, then immediately dismiss the whole thing, since I knew it wasn't real.

Since I had a traumatic childhood, and since the hallucinations as well as other symptoms I get tend to happen when I am very stressed out, my theory was that my anxiety can get so bad that it causes psychosis. However, I haven't been able to find any professional material backing up this theory, I get the impression that it's 'not a thing' as far as anxiety possibly causing hallucinations.

Yet at the same time, I don't think I have something like schizophrenia, because of when the symptoms started and because of my insight during the experiences.

For a while I worried about maybe something being wrong with my brain, like a tumor or something, but researching into that, I don't think that's the case, either, because I probably would have had more serious problems by now. Plus my hallucinations tend to be things that seem inspired by anxiety, and not like random lights or colors or anything.

I also looked into the possibility of basically like having nightmares while you are awake. All I found was material on hypnagogia. Unfortunately I haven't really paid attention over the years to the factor of how tired I was when these experiences happened, so I haven't ruled out this possibility yet.

Since I have been diagnosed as bipolar twice in my life, I have also taken into consideration the possibility of hallucinations as a symptom of severe mania or mixed states. However, I tend to have these experiences when I'm definitely not in some sort of mood episode.

Frankly it's really similar to my paranoia problems. I can experience paranoia, but still be capable of reality testing and trying to analyze whether or not I'm being paranoid, like my ability to question and consider that I am paranoid is still there.

For a while I was convinced that maybe (try not to laugh) I was just so psychologically impressive that I was like John Nash, able to outsmart my own mental illness (whatever it was). I have since-then relinquished that notion in favor of a more logical, less ego-inflated perspective.

So am I missing any possibilities?

I feel really, really BLEH about possibly seeing another psychiatrist, because I'm aware that my reporting usually makes no real sense. It's frustrating, I feel like I probably come across as a really dumb malingerer or something. But there's also no point in it at all if I'm not honest. And the honest truth is that I really am aware that I am hallucinating when it happens.

I get nonspecific hallucinations, like constant moving walls and floors, color rainbows with symmetrical moving shapes tiled across my vision which gets excited when more manic.

I've seen things more specific when up too long, but I knew that they were unreal and just watched like it was a side show. I attribute all that to the bipolar in me.

It's not uncommon to have overlapping diagnosis of which I'm sure that you are well aware of. As far as any other possible MI, I couldn't tell you. Sorry.

I read your story earlier, and I hope that you find your answers soon.