[EJ711]

Friends,

I was conversing with one of my friends the other day, and she read me an article from her local paper, which struck a chord.

I'm sharing this here to see if this also strikes a chord with you.

How many of you think that your mother or father or parents tried to change your personality?

In other words this thought is based on the premise that we all have a basic personality that is uniquely ours when we come into this world.

For example, I know my mother was always trying to make me like her. I'm not just saying she was teaching me various things, which were very helpful, but I got the unique impression that she didn't like me the way I was.

Worse than that if I exhibited any personality traits like my father, THAT WAS REALLY BAD.

I am not 59, about to turn 60. My mother has been dead for 10 years now, and I feel like I'm just starting to get a sense of the real me.

At some level I think I'm still afraid to come out, and just be me, b/c subconsciously I think my mother is going to verbally attack me.

I've decided that my true self is a lot more laid-back than my mother was. She was always saying something like, "Come on, we have to hurry." I never knew exactly where we were hurrying off to.

I think this constant pressure to hurry, and being around her WAY TOO MUCH, is the major cause of my underlying feelings of anxiety.

Now grant it, my parents got married, and then the Depression happened. That must have been pretty scarey. Both parents also came from wealthy families, but were both cheated out of their inheritances.

Anyway my mother passed on to me through all types of comments she made to me as a child, about money. I have tremendous anxiety in this area.

Fortunately, I was given the gift of faith from my heavenly father, or the whole money deal would be intolerable.

I was making $58,000/yr. before my position was eliminated at a Fortune 500/1000 company, when I was 54. However, even though our cash inflows have been downright meager the last five years, my heavenly father has faithfully provided for my every need.

Let me know if you identify with any of this?

EJ

[Christina86]

My parents are STILL trying to change my personality (could be because I'm only almost 21... they think I'm incapable of making good decisions)... I do identify with what you wrote EJ.

[bebop]

I think my mom didn't really try to change mine but she was jealous of mine.

EJ711, I can relate to so much of this!

My mother also wanted me to be like her, or be her. She couldn't accept me as I was. She didn't know where she stopped and I began.

I was told I wasn't feeling what I was feeling. If I was afraid of or about something she would say, "Oh you are not!". She took it personally that I had interests different from hers. Reading, for example, is something I've always enjoyed. But to her, reading was doing nothing, so it really annoyed/angered her when she 'caught' me reading. We camped for vacation and it was particularly insulting to her that I would want to sit in the beautiful cool woods and read a book. Just an example.

Yes, when I was 'bad' in her eyes sometimes it would be because "Oh, you're just like your Dad!". He was very devalued, as were most men except my oldest brother. Another put-down was that "You're just like my mother!" (her mother).

I was always trying to figure out who she wanted me to be, what she wanted me to be, how she wanted me to be... so exhausting!

"Hurry" applied to everything! It seemed like another way of her saying 'You aren't good enough.'

I am just in the very initial stages of therapy and exploring all this and looking for who I am.

Life is short and I'm afraid it will be over before I have begun.

[Direction]

I think it happens a lot...having three young children...I struggle to remember that they are each unique...somedays you try to treat them all the same...when they are not

Though I think their mom and I try very hard to not push them to be something they are not...It's easy to forget...thanks for a good reminder as I think about my 11, 9, and 5 year old children...

[SeptemberMorn]

Where your mother and mine clones, EJ? You just read the chapter on my childhood and teen years.

I rebelled and as much as I could, became me. "Me" never met with her approval... ever... at all. After she passed was when I found out who I really am and that I'm more than just a bit of OK!

My mother also lived with depression/anxiety. When I was a child, she always took me by the hand before crossing a street. She'd darn near rip my hand apart with her fingernails from sheer nerves on her part. She was always very impatient. Somehow I survived... both emotionally and physically.

[EJ711]

So Christina,

What is your "real" personality, and how does it differ from the mold your parents are trying to squeeze you into?

Hugs,

EJ

[EJ711]

Hi Friends,

This article also said that parents aren't responsible for launching their children into the world flaw-free. The children will be fine, and will be able to learn from their own experiences.

Doesn't that take a lot of stress of of parents, who feel they need to launch perfect kids.

I'm just trying to figure out who I really am inside, at age 59.

Echoes, don't give up. You could live to be 100. Where were are parents hurrying us off to? Do you know?

Aunt Rose was another unfavorable and dreaded comparison.

I wasn't that concerned with primping, but my mother made me make sure my hair was styled. I think maybe I'm a frustrated intellectual in more ways than one.

Common let's all trying verbalizing who we really think we are, before our mothers or fathers meddled with us or tried to force us into molds, which were not the proper sizes or shapes.

Echoes, my brother was the brilliant, 6'4" wonder, who was a Cornell and Harvard graduate. He was the only male grandchild, and heir to the family business.

I guess I'm lucky I am somewhat normal.

How did we survive?

EJ

[SeptemberMorn]

You really want to know who/what my mother wanted me to be? Here she is. She happens to be a cousin of mine. No, actually my mother wanted me to be BETTER than her. That is, more titles and accomplishments than

Marta Sotomayor

So she could look down her nose at my aunt and the rest of her family, of course.

Who I really am?
1. Mother
2. Wife
3. Grandmother
4. Friend

All this is wrapped up in a nurturing blanket but I'm about as opinionated as Marta but have a stronger sense of values. She had one child, just so she could say she'd had one. I had three of my own and rasied a step-son as if I'd born him.

None of my kids ended up smokers, drug addicts, drunks or in jail. All of the 7 grandkids that know me, adore me. I'll be working on the 2 that don't know me yet this coming week.

Marta has been married three times but didn't take any of her husbands' last names. I cling to my present husband's name as if it's my life.

I'm somewhat of an artist. If I only was motivated enough to take some classes I could call myself "artist." I'm a good writer and have loads of experience to tell. My heart is huge and tender, especially for children. It was from the time I was less than five yrs old. My heart is equally as big and tender for animals and all living things.

My mother would have me give all this up for what Marta had. Not me!! Marta has "it" in her head, I have "it" in my heart. I prefer that much more! But my mother never let me forget that "You didn't let me make out of you what I wanted." She never knew that I was already "made." GOD had made me and continued His work in me. It was up to my mother to help it along, not try to distroy it.

She never trusted me out of her sight. I was always trustworthy.

She thought the worst of me; *****, drinker, drug user. I wasn't any of them.

She thought I "put on an act" when my husband and I got married in our back yard. The man wasn't a minister therefore it was a farce. It was as legal as her civil marriage, but according to her, the man was just a friend that was willing to go along with the farce.

She wasn't the mother I would have chosen. She made a boatload of mistakes raising me, but she did the best she could. I love her and I forgive her. I'm glad of who and what I am even if she wasn't. I like me!

[EJ711]

September Morn -

POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!

Hugs,

EJ

[WinterRose]

That is powerful writing September Morn.

I don't think my mother was trying to change me into someone else. She at least was accepting in that way. However, in my situation I was eclipsed by her needs. My real self got hidden away in the trauma and fear of growing up. My mother did not know she was putting such a strain on me and she did support my expressions of myself, but those expressions didn't happen often because I was to busy trying to hold things together and escape the world falling down. I was in many ways, my mother's mother instead of her child. I'm pleased that Mom has started finding her own life now and thet we are becoming more separate. I am starting to pick up the task of finding out who I am and what I want out of life. I am starting to act instead of be acted upon by life. It's a good scary.

[sassypants]

My Mom always critizes me about my weight, hair and I can't even mention that I am depressed. She also hates
if I mention that sometimes when I was feeling better I
would have a date. I love my mother so much, because she was both a father and a mother raising 5 children,not
knowing how to drive or really speak the language. Therefore, I have to sometimes tell her I love her so much ,
but please don't hurt me anymore. It really makes me so
sad that I can't really tell my mom that I am depressed and
I can't snap out of it. So, I really Understand how you feel.
You would think that by now, me being an adult I can
ignore those comments. Sending you a big Hug!