[kkrrhh]

Hi! I've had this problem for as long as I remember. With nearly anything, any time I really care about something and am deliberately trying hard and trying to do well, things often don't go well, or sometimes I'm too paralyzed to even try. I have issues with perfectionism, and at times like these it goes into overdrive and I mean I over analyze and hyper focus in on the tiniest little details and nitpick every little thing, and end up feeling negative and incapable.
The only way I've found to cope is to forcefully try to convince myself I "don't care," and detach myself. I mean, if this completely worked, it wouldn't be a problem I guess. But for one thing, of course it's pretty hard sometimes to detach myself and create that mindset and attitude of not really caring. Also, sometimes doing this can get me over the paralyzation that perfectionism causes and at least get me through doing something, but I think I obviously don't do as well as I would if I were able to really throw myself into something, and I just settle for less. I know some of it is low self esteem, and I guess it could be an intense fear of failure. I feel it's definitely a big part of why I haven't lived up to my "full potential."

In case this makes no sense I'll give a small, kinda silly example. I've gone through a spell where I haven't cared about my looks much, and I'm currently trying to work on kinda fixing myself up (both for myself and because I'm trying to put myself out there more.) It seems like if I'm kinda just partly ignoring it, making sure my hair looks ok and doing some makeup but kinda just figuring it's whatever, I feel cute sometimes. But when I feel like I intentionally want to look good, for a guy, interview, or whatever, things actually go downhill. I start nitpicking of course, and overanalyze what I wear, my hair, and my makeup and don't feel good about it no matter what, and trying to then force myself that I just don't care anyway helps. I swear sometimes when I'm running to the grocery store I can spend 10 minutes getting ready and feel like I look decent, yet if I'm actually "trying" and really wanting to look good, I can spend 30 min+ doing almost the same amount of makeup, etc., and literally look exactly the same or worse, and it's because I get really picky and obsessive compulsive with things and it sabotages it.

With jobs, as another example, if I try to do something kind of challenging and tell myself I can do it and really want to do my job well, I end up too nervous and overwhelmed. If I convince myself, "oh, this job is simple. Anyone can do it, I've just gotta at least do the minimum and get through it and get paid, whatever," it's a lot better. Not caring too much is good, of course, but it's more than that. I want to be able to feel like I can and will do things well, and not have to just convince myself, "ehh, f*** it. It doesn't matter anyway."

Does anyone else have this sort of issue, and doesn't anyone have any advice for helping with it?

[Kathryn01]

In college, I had VERY similar issues. Just one example - there were times when I wouldn't turn in assignments because even though I'd done them, they weren't as good as I would have liked. It was a problem in high school too, and I even failed some classes as a result.

I'm a huge advocate of finding a good therapist. The right one can help you develop coping mechanisms so that even though you still have the urge to make things perfect, it won't feel quite as cumbersome. In addition to therapy, you might try a support group. I went to one for a while for my anxiety, and it was just such an incredible relief to meet other people going through the same things - and seeing that they were making their lives work even though they had debilitating anxiety.

Finally, and this is just food for thought, you might want to try medication. It's not for everyone, but it really helped me to stop obsessing over every tiny detail.

Good luck to you!

[kkrrhh]

Definitely sounds familiar.
Yeah, I'd had a pretty good, though still not perfect, therapist for a while, but things ended with her a while back and I've sorta let things go in that area when I really shouldn't. I really need to find a good one. I've had problems finding many covered by my insurance, but I need to step up my search haha.

I'd considered support groups in the past, but hadn't really thought about them for a while. I do think that could really be helpful, so I'll look into it. And medication has been really helpful with it in the past, I'm just currently working on finding the right ones.

Thanks so much.

[CaptainChaos79]

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

Hi! I've had this problem for as long as I remember. With nearly anything, any time I really care about something and am deliberately trying hard and trying to do well, things often don't go well, or sometimes I'm too paralyzed to even try. I have issues with perfectionism, and at times like these it goes into overdrive and I mean I over analyze and hyper focus in on the tiniest little details and nitpick every little thing, and end up feeling negative and incapable.
The only way I've found to cope is to forcefully try to convince myself I "don't care," and detach myself. I mean, if this completely worked, it wouldn't be a problem I guess. But for one thing, of course it's pretty hard sometimes to detach myself and create that mindset and attitude of not really caring. Also, sometimes doing this can get me over the paralyzation that perfectionism causes and at least get me through doing something, but I think I obviously don't do as well as I would if I were able to really throw myself into something, and I just settle for less. I know some of it is low self esteem, and I guess it could be an intense fear of failure. I feel it's definitely a big part of why I haven't lived up to my "full potential."

In case this makes no sense I'll give a small, kinda silly example. I've gone through a spell where I haven't cared about my looks much, and I'm currently trying to work on kinda fixing myself up (both for myself and because I'm trying to put myself out there more.) It seems like if I'm kinda just partly ignoring it, making sure my hair looks ok and doing some makeup but kinda just figuring it's whatever, I feel cute sometimes. But when I feel like I intentionally want to look good, for a guy, interview, or whatever, things actually go downhill. I start nitpicking of course, and overanalyze what I wear, my hair, and my makeup and don't feel good about it no matter what, and trying to then force myself that I just don't care anyway helps. I swear sometimes when I'm running to the grocery store I can spend 10 minutes getting ready and feel like I look decent, yet if I'm actually "trying" and really wanting to look good, I can spend 30 min+ doing almost the same amount of makeup, etc., and literally look exactly the same or worse, and it's because I get really picky and obsessive compulsive with things and it sabotages it.

With jobs, as another example, if I try to do something kind of challenging and tell myself I can do it and really want to do my job well, I end up too nervous and overwhelmed. If I convince myself, "oh, this job is simple. Anyone can do it, I've just gotta at least do the minimum and get through it and get paid, whatever," it's a lot better. Not caring too much is good, of course, but it's more than that. I want to be able to feel like I can and will do things well, and not have to just convince myself, "ehh, f*** it. It doesn't matter anyway."

Does anyone else have this sort of issue, and doesn't anyone have any advice for helping with it?

.
I went through the same thing during my early to mid 20s...I felt like i had to prove to everyone that 'anything they can do i can do better" etc...(which was often true because here in these parts the family trees often do not fork quite so much as they do in most other places if you catch my meaning....)but it was more about the fact that I had some self esteem issues at that time in my life as do most young ladies (and the young men of the same age have what I call testosterone poisoning which presents with similar symptoms I am sure u have seen it). If you are still in your teen or early 20s I would say that what you are going through is a combination of your mental health issues if you have anxiety etc as well as normal function of age type issues. Eventually you will mature and great deal of those things will fade away and one day you will realize that you suddenly function like a semi normal person,,,,who has some mental health issues....and with age also comes understanding and wisdom to deal with those as well

[CaptainChaos79]

Also, men DO NOT notice whether or not you took extra time on your hair and make up...in fact, if I had a dollar for each time a man told me that I looked better without make up than with it, I would be close to having 100 grand by now....seriously...men notice stuff like when you go out of your way to at least try to like his friends or take a serious interest in some of HIS interests so that the two of u can share something together...for real....and they are physical creatures....they like skin ....take the time to notice him....men dont notice your make up and hair but they notice when u take the time to notice him or put an effort into trying to bond with him....seriously.....I hated fishing when I married my second husband in 2005 because I thought it was boring and he had to go to rehab a month after we got married...while he was gone I bought a fly rod and reel and flies and everything I needed to fly fish. I went to the county library and checked out a Field and Stream manual about learning how to cast a fly rod because there wasnt a soul to teach me..I practiced in the yard for 2 or 3 weeks and he was absolutely speechless when I picked him up and suggested we go fishing and then pulled out a fly rod and all the gear to go with it....best thing I ever did for him....he was thrilled to death

[kkrrhh]

Thank you for the reply, CaptainChaos79. Haha, I'm 23 and it does seem like for the most part it's lessened somewhat since my teens, both with getting older and progress I've made with my mental health. I do kinda, and definitely will, try to keep those things in mind.
And haha, aw, I absolutely love that story. Thank you for sharing, and for the reply!