Physically fit and SECRETS

I almost posted a secret that I've only told a priest in confession.

I couldn't hit that submit button. I didn't want to take the risk of being disliked here. I got back from two days in the hospital where I had the most complete physical ever. I couldn't have a MRI because of me pacemaker/defibrillator. Except for my diabetes I'm as healthy as can be. I wrote a lot of crap about that. I wrote a lot of crap about a lot of crap.

I was hoping that there might be a physical cause for some of my symptoms.

Nope.

My therapist fell asleep on me again. I really don't care anymore.

I didn't feel any comfort when I thought of revealing where the bodies are buried (lame joke). I felt nauseous.

I'm just tired and scared. And I'm wondering if there are others here who are just afraid to confess a secret here or even to your therapist? Nothing illegal or sordid, more like a character flaw that you were unaware of until 20 years ago.

Something you're ashamed of. Not feline vivisection, not a big fat liar, pants on fire.

I want to sleep. I want to forget. I don't trust anyone. I'm usually honest, though. I'm not ashamed of being sexually abused by my second psychiatrist who first murdered his girlfriend and then killed himself.

I wanted to have that type of epilepsy that causes hallucinations. No luck. I think that I last slept three days ago. I went through two tantrums in the hospital. I insulted a short doctor (with good reason but I'm not 6'4" any longer and shouldn't have insulted his lack of stature -> height challenged).

I'm just so very tired and I want to fall asleep and forget.

Just wondered if others keep even one thing private?

The Skeezyks has SO many secrets, it would be difficult to know where to begin... not that he would ever want to. He has lived such a secretive life, that it has become a way of life. If the Skeezyks doesn't have a few secrets tucked in his back pocket, he feels as though something's not quite right. He did reveal one big secret following his last suicide attempt. But nobody wanted to hear it... so in the end... he just ended up feeling exposed & foolish. From now on, he will keep his secrets to himself...

Thank God. I was hoping that someone else would empathize. I was so close to hitting the submit button but, as you describe, I had a fear of "feeling exposed and foolish." And evil. Manipulative.

I think that I've been depressed all of my life. For a long time I played the "funny, cute and smart" role that everyone used to describe me. But at some point, early in my life, I had a sense of self-loathing. A feeling that I had to conform to the expectations of others. I wanted to be liked – I think that everyone does – but I was willing to play a role that wasn't really "me" to be liked. That's one secret that I'm willing to reveal now.

It doesn't matter any longer that people like me. I wonder, though, if others here do as I do and paint mental portraits of the others? Not what they look like, but personality portraits. I don't really read enough posts from any one user to feel that I know anyone but I have pieces of personalities of some.

I expose myself more here than with my therapist. I know that I wouldn't if not for the anonymity. At the same time, though, I have a fear that my therapist may be lurking here... I've talked to him about these forums and a couple of weeks ago he actually used the words "PsychCentral forums."

Not much left to say. Thank you, though, so very much for the assurance that I'm not the only one here with a secret or two.

Keeping a secret is a positive sign of mental health, not mental illness.

Some secrets are kept to protect someone else but most are kept to hide a mistake/crime so serve to protect the "un-Teller" more than others.

I think a good T tests boundrary limits (will you get angry if I ... or will you assertively say, " wake up and do your job" if sleeping during therapy) and expects progress (more than a paycheck). You did not have a good T or crappy T; you had a murderer liar sexual assault rapist who was pretending to be a T. It is not comparable to merely a T who is inefficient or unattentive... not at all.

I wish you the very best whatever choice you make about "this secret".

As to your question, I try not to analyze members' personalities based simply on their writings, but I do find myself doing just that after I've read about 100+ posts from any particular member.

That said, I think it's a bad habit to get into.

It's been gnawing at me for a full day. I'm nauseous and unable to sleep, so I'm going to write it simply and not beat up on myself as I did in my first non-posted message. Nothing criminal but something that I would call psychological abuse, I suppose.

I've written here before about my 'ability' to slice people to the bone with words alone. What I didn't write was 'how' – something that I only realized in my 30's. I was in the unconscious habit of 'collecting' other's weaknesses and preying on them if I wasn't getting my way. I've whined for years about not knowing why my wife divorced me. She didn't need to tell me: she had an affair 8 months after we were married and I ravaged her for a year and then started the more subtle pricks, always drawing blood. She left me because she was bleeding to death.

And that was the trigger that brought me to my knees the first time. The consequences of my actions. And then I lost my son and that's when I died. I don't know what the trigger was this time but sometime last year, an old friend sent me some photos of my son. I became fixated on the finality of "never." I will never have the chance to help him as a father. I will never meet him. I know that he has no interest in me. I have no idea what his mother has said to him about me.

I don't know if that was the or a trigger but it's possible.

I promised myself that I would never use weaknesses as a weapon again. But I still 'collect' them... an unconscious character flaw. And for the 48 hours or so that I was in the hospital, I did insult one of the doctors when he wouldn't give me my normal meds and after I realized that he was sensitive about his height.

That's the secret. I can't help the collecting but until yesterday I've controlled the demon. Now I've developed this anger and I fear that I may become unleashed at my therapist or others.

The guy I see now is the 'sleeper.' The abuser/murderer was an MD psychiatrist that I saw from 1988-1992. I had a rough time with that. The police found evidence of abuse going back for years. A few patients filed suit against the practice. I just didn't want to go through any more interviews.

That's one reason that I tell my present therapist that I don't trust him. So many doc's expect to be treated like Demi-gods but I've become accustomed to questioning everything.

When I see my therapist next week I'm going to tell him that while the meds are helping, I don't feel as if the therapy has progressed. I would hate to have to go through my life history again, but if I must...

Thanks for the reply. My stomach feels better.