Is this emotional abuse? Or is it normal?

I grew up with my mother who was (and is) a paranoid schizophrenic that my brother and I would often have to take the brunt of, so I know what emotional abuse is in a sense but I'm not sure if what I am experiencing now is emotional abuse because it's not clear cut like it was with my mother.

I moved in with my biological aunt when I was 15 through child services. Before I lived with her, growing up I'd only been allowed to see her every now and then (as per my mother's rules) so I only knew her vaguely. When I moved in, I had just gotten out of the hospital from a suicide attempt. I was severely depressed and had next to no will to live and I'm sure anyone who's been depressed before knows that it makes you extremely tired. It was very difficult for me to wake up for school and on the days that I accidentally slept in, my aunt would storm down the stairs, screaming at the top of her lungs, "WHY THE F*** ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" and every day I'd go to school crying because she'd scream at me. The drive to the school was only about 3 minutes from our house but she would drive angrily and yell at me the entire time. This was several years ago but her behavior hasn't seemed to change towards me. She makes me feel completely unwelcomed in her house. When we argue, she'll hold it over my head that she buys me food and clothes. She belittles me a lot and degrades me and every time I ask her to take me somewhere (which isn't often, maybe once every few months) because I can't afford my own car yet, she'll either say no or if she does the entire time she'll make comments to make sure I know she didn't want to like "look at all this traffic you're making me wait in" or "I have to waste my gas driving all the way up here". Usually I don't ask her to drive me anywhere farther than 5 minutes unless it's really important. She doesn't have a job either so it's not like I was cutting into any of her plans. Most days she sits around the house and drinks coffee and doesn't do anything anyway.

Every time I've accomplished something, I never get congratulated or anything. She either says a halfhearted "good for you" (along those lines) or degrades my achievement. For instance, when I got my EMT certification, she didn't really say anything except "that's great". When I got my driver's license (that I had to do without her help because she refused to teach me so it was very tough to do seeing as I'd never driven anything in my life before) she said "oh, great, so now we're officially illegal now." because she was under the impression that it was illegal for me to get my license without paying her car insurance.

She also holds grudges for very long periods of time. She once held a grudge towards me for over a month because I told her I didn't believe in aliens and didn't want to talk about them. A month later, even though I didn't have a job and had to get a hepatitis B shot ASAP for my class, she made me spend $80 of my own money (which was the last of it) to pay for the shot and then while we were in the waiting room she told me I deserved to be guilt-tripped because I disrespected her when I "dismissed" her about the aliens.

She's also gotten angry at me because even when I was going to college, volunteering 12 hour shifts overnight at my EMS station and working full-time she wanted me to come home and clean literally every day and being out of the house from 6am until midnight, I just didn't make any mess of my own in the house and didn't think I should be required to clean as much as other people in the house who were home much more often. I pointed out that she never cleans but expects me, my brother and her daughters to clean everything (even though she's the one who's home all day) and for a good two months after that, she would go off into these hours long rants every day to tell me how rude and disrespectful I am and how ungrateful and how I take advantage of her. After the two months of this, she called me up into her room and gave me a three pieces of paper that she'd written a 'contract' on and told me to read it aloud to her and sign my name.

It made me furious that she wasn't treating me like a family member but I read it anyway and at one point in the 'contract' it said "and I am very grateful to my Aunt [her name] for giving me one last chance to redeem myself and I am very sorry".

She also seems to give preferential treatment to her own daughters over me. When she gets angry at me, she turns the entire family against me. Her one daughter is 27 and still lives here because she spends all of her money instead of saving and her other daughter is 21 and lives next door, comes over every day to let her daughter trash the house and eat our food and then leaves without cleaning. Both of her daughters are allowed to talk about me behind my back, talk about me in front of me, insult me, belittle me, make snarky comments to degrade everything I do but if I point out something truthful about any of them (i.e. the way the 21yo lets her daughter trash the house and leaves without cleaning) I'm stepping out of my place.

For instance, I have to work first shift which means I need to be awake at 5AM on weekdays. The 21yo was over with her daughter at 1am and was yelling at her and letting her daughter scream and cry. Because she doesn't live here, I texted my aunt and asked if she knew when the 21yo was going home because I needed to get up for work in 4 hours. Her response was 'mind your place'.

I feel like, in her eyes I'm worth less than the dirt on her shoe and because her daughters see her treating me this way, they treat me the same. I once walked out of my room to the bathroom without saying a word and the 21yo told me I was "nasty, being negative, never going to get anywhere in life with that attitude, and a brat". I literally just walked four feet from my room to the bathroom to take a shower and glanced at her.

The thing that confuses me is that, unlike my mother, they all have their moments where they're nice to me. My aunt is the one where the nice times are few and far between, but I'm able to have some good times with my cousins. I just spend a lot of time out of the house or in my room because they're very difficult to be around all the time. I can't tell if this is emotional abuse or if every family experiences stuff like this? Am I just seeing this the wrong way? Sometimes they put me down so much I just feel so unloved, it makes me hopeless and want to kill myself. It feels like I'll never be able to please them.

Yes, it is abuse and a toxic environment. Why are you still there? Leave... as soon as you can.

Hi and welcome to Psych Central! Dear one, you will never be able to please them. I know from personal experience. As soon as you can, get away from there and get some therapy. That saved my sanity.

P.S. You matter, and we care about you. Don't let them ruin your life. You deserve better.

Does it matter whether others believe it is abuse or something rlse? You are clearly doing poorly in this current situation so the next step should be to live on your own, or if you are uderage ask to be put in a foster family (though things might be worse in some foster families)
Not trying to justify your aunt's behavior but it cannot be easy to have another kid live with you and we don't know her side, or her relationship with your Mom. She sounds like she has lots of issues herself. When you say she never congratulates you or yells when you dont get to school on time, it may hve to do with what she is goong through, so keep in mind not to take it too personal. It can also be helpful later in life to not rely on outside motivators to accomplish your goals. Take care

Abusers quite frequently hate themselves and take it out on others. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

Put it this way, Its not love !!!!!!!!!

I have always been torn wether or not my parents were abusive,

I still struggle to except that people who are ment to love you can treat you that way.

it must be hard to be stuck some where were you are not happy,

we live in a world were we must carry our own cross so to speak, YOU WILL feel on top of the world once you start to help your self.

good luck

I couldn't agree more with George and Travellinglady - leave asap. You are suffering abuse from multiple parties and living in a toxic environment. I strongly suspect jealousy that you are making something of your life in difficult circumstances may be playing a part, but that is no excuse.

Normal families do not behave like this. I was another unfortunate enough to grow up with an abusive family dynamic.

Dave.

Hi I just read Your post and felt the need to write.....I truly feel it is emotional abuse abuse....in a way tho totally different circumstances i could relate ....tho it was my immediate family treated me that way shortly after my Mom passed when I was 10....my dad threw me out at 14 and I had to live with an aunt in western ny.....
anyway my Heart goes out to You ....tho there is Hope...i found in life what we experienced be it physically , mentally and / or emotional abuse....makes us stronger inside as we grow up ....I love my dad but had to break off emotionally from my family except a sister who went through similar abuse...in our 20s we got close and keep in touch...
Tho im not good at giving advice but telling others about what works for me...i feel You made a good and brave choice reaching out for help here on PC....so many here have been through similar situations ....its a great place for support...in a way my friends here are my new family
So hang in there....be true to yourself....one day Youll be out of there and they will be miserable and Youll go on and be ok sure tho with ups and downs...I see how my older brothers are down in brooklyn and they are so miserable...
im not sure if what i wrote helped but just know Youre not alone...there are people out there who care ok...hang in there ok