[Etoileria]

Warnings for those of you who might be bothered by it: mentions of death, suicide, rape, and violence

Hello everyone. I don't know where else to turn so I decided to come here. Some precursors:

1. I'm turning 18 in two months
2. I was diagnosed gifted at a young age
3. I'm a closeted gay trans man, and I can't come out due to my family
4. I started having terrible anxiety at the age of 11 (so bad I stopped eating and lost 20 pounds and was borderline agoraphobic) but my parents never wanted to help me
5. Did get put in therapy for a few months (my parents accused me of being a socipath because I don't like being touched by people) and long story short it was terrible but I was diagnosed with OCD and a phobic disorder
6. That same year (two and a half years ago) my school put me on a suicide watch essentially and I started seeing the school psychologist, got diagnosed with depression too I think
7. Possibly Asperger's and ADD; my father and sister have the latter, my mother has remarked that she's noticed traits off both disorders in me but she's never bothered to taken me to be checked out

I'm sorry if that seems like a lot but I just want to get the big things out of the way to get closer to figuring out what my problem is.

I guess I'm pretty high functioning because even with all that I remained #1 in my class in high school and nobody ever suspected a thing, but I suffered greatly with social relationships.

Last year was pretty dark for me, and it consisted of a lot of really extreme mood swings, where I would be hyperactive and king of the world for an hour and then the next I would try to be slitting my wrists open. And I would flip on people too, thinking I was in love with them one moment and then the next telling them to get out of my life and that I despised them so much thinking about them made me want to strangle myself, and so on. I don't know why it happened, and near the end of this hell that lasted for months I started talking to a man inside my head named Ryan who told me he controlled my brain, and that I was malfunctioning and he just needed to fix me.

Then by October it all stopped. I was suddenly okay. This past school year was my senior year in high school and I started trying more things and everything has been pretty great. I stopped hating myself. I got involved with theatre and was a leader of sorts. I actually liked myself.

Until the past few weeks, when those mood swings have started coming back. A few nights ago I was so convinced I was literally evil, like the spawn of Satan himself, that I told everyone I was going to kill myself and it sent my friend into a tizzy and they told my parents but my parents didn't take it seriously and I had fallen asleep before I was able to do what I was planning to do.

I guess it's also worthy to note I have pure-o OCD and a lot of my obsessions revolve around being hypersexual and violent (i.e. one of my worst obsessions for years was that I was going to rape my sister and stab her to death) and I think the incident that happened a few nights ago was related to that, but then a few nights prior to that I stopped... being myself if that makes any sense. I wasn't controlling myself. I grabbed a knife and was going to kill myself with it but Ryan came back and told me to stop and apparently I posed a series of disturbing videos that a few of my friends saw before I deleted them.

Is this all normal? I feel trapped and suffocated in all this and I don't know what to do and where to go and if this relates back to any of my other issues. I can't really say it affects my personal life because I don't really ever socialize with people and so nobody ever notices. I get what's required of me done even if I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Any answers would be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading this mess. I'm trying to push away more suicidal thoughts right now and this is what I decided to do to distract myself. I'm really a rational person, honestly, I don't know where this side of my personality is from.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Etoileria: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about all of this. From my perspective, I think what you need to do is to establish a relationship with a therapist & / or a psychiatrist & let them diagnose you & help you figure out what's going on & what you can do about it. We here on PsychCentral can provide support but we cannot diagnose you.

I'm an older person. But I see a lot of myself in what you've written. My mental health struggles were always just ignored, or perhaps "overlooked" would be a better word, by my parents. Way back when I was young, any kind of mental instability at all was something to be avoided... left unacknowledged. I have said, in the past, that my parents would have better understood me going to prison than they would have understood me being involuntarily committed to a psych ward (which I have been.)

I've experienced a lot of the same kinds of thoughts & emotions you have. And I've also been a person who has been outwardly rational (most of the time) & able to do what needed to be done despite the hurricane that was raging inside. As a result I always feel trapped & suffocated as well.

I have written numerous times, here on PC, that I spent the vast majority of my life in deep denial with regard to what was going on with me. I was afraid & embarrassed & during much of that time mental health services were few & far between. The one benefit you do have is how much emphasis is now being placed on mental health & how much more open & knowledgeable society is with regard to mental health issues. I know you wrote that your parents are not supportive. That is most unfortunate. However, in whatever way you can & as soon as it is possible for you to do so, I hope you will do what needs to be done to heal. Please don't follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go...