Self-Sabotage in Relationships/What is wrong with me?

Hi,
I'm new to the forum, thank you for taking the time to read. I am currently experiencing difficulties in my relationship and it's having a severe impact on me. I feel hopeless and don't know what is wrong with me. Basically I have never been the most open person and have trouble sharing my emotions or aspects of my personality or experience that I see as negative. I see now that this makes it hard for me to fully be close to people even when I really love them. I bottle up my emotions a lot and sometimes will have episodes where I freak out, panic, get very angry and frustrated. Different things can trigger it, like frustration over something not working (like a TV, phone, etc), getting lost, having irritation with customer service, not finding what I am looking for, or something more serious like conflict with my girlfriend. I only let the emotions out when I'm alone and don't let other people see. During these episodes, I will yell, curse, talk to myself, look and act crazy I guess.
Recently my phone was broken and I was picking my girlfriend up. I didn't see her and was waiting for a while. I got really frustrated with the phone and wondering where she was. I was freaking out in the car and she saw me yelling and talking alone. She is now suspicious of me and thinks I was arguing with someone else, which I wasn't. She thinks even if I was alone, my behavior is not acceptable, and I agree. I feel ashamed, alone, and hopeless. What is wrong with me? I'm 34 yo female. I have looked online to find what problem I might have but nothing fits. I am seeing a therapist but I have trouble opening up to her also
I love my girlfriend very much and want to make the relationship work. What steps can I take to restore her trust and heal the relationship? I also want to fix this for myself so I can be a more whole person, not feel ashamed of parts of myself and be in control of my emotions.

Instead of going off I usually write my feelings down in a journal or a word document that I can delete. Sometimes that can help me find a solution easier too. If I can't calm myself down I take the document to therapy and discuss it there.

Feelings are okay as long as they're not out of proportion. If you're finding them getting bigger than the situation, maybe you can ask your therapist for some calming techniques.

Hello RRBB342: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know why some people are the way you describe. I certainly always have been. However, in my case, I haven't necessarily always kept my outbursts to myself. Part of the reason I think I handle things the way I do is because of my upbringing. Way back years ago, when I was growing up, I was taught you didn't discuss family business outside of the family. You didn't "wash your dirty laundry in public." And since no one in the family wanted to hear any of it either, I just learned to keep it all to myself. (And there was a bunch of it!) The stress of doing so, however, would not infrequently lead to the types of outbursts you describe.

As a I have written many time before, here on PC, from my perspective stress / anxiety will out one way or another. It's like steam in a closed system. With no other way to escape, it will find the weakest link in the system & blow out there. Perhaps this is what is happening with you?
If underlying stress / anxiety seems to be a part of what's driving your outbursts, getting plenty of physical exercise plus developing a meditation practice may help you to develop more inner peace.

You mentioned you're seeing a therapist. That's certainly a good thing. It is going to be necessary, however, for you to figure out a way to be more open & honest with her. Otherwise there is a limit to how much she can help you. And in terms of how to repair your relationship with your gf, if the two of you cannot resolve this via open communication between the two of you, then couples counseling may be the best solution.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!