I've been feeling weirder lately. Different than I have for a while. I've always had problems, since I was a little kid. I've had anxiety and insomnia problems forever, as well as many eating problems and infantile anorexia as a child. I've never been abused or used subtances. Anyway, so here's what's going. When I was twelve, I finally stopped fighting my family and let them take me to a psychiatrist since I knew I could miss school for it. The doctor started me on Prozac right away, which I still take to this day. (I'm 16.) After a few months I felt a lot better and stopped taking it. For a few months I still felt good, until everything went wrong. When I was 13 in May of 2014, I stopped eating almost completely. Eating made me anxious and thinking about it made me afraid since I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting.) I was already underweight, as I had been most of my life, but I dropped about 20 pounds that month. I couldn't sleep without benadryl, and even then I had a lot of trouble. I constantly shook (still do) and I often woke up during the night and rocked myself in the dark. It was that time when I started seeing these figures frequently. They were black and whispy, like shadows that roamed the halls of my house. I'd seen them once before; one night when I was about 8 or 9 I couldn't sleep and I watched them walk through my hallways. So anyway, at 13 I started seeing them a lot more. I also heard random noises out of the blue, especially when I was alone. They made me feel really uneasy and anxious. There were things like sounds of things crashing on the floors, random screams, and doors slamming. That June, my doctor put me on resperdal, as well as another prescription medication that was like more extreme benadryl to help me sleep. Within a month, I was eating and gaining weight and able to go out. Everything seemed better. I wasn't as anxious. I was on it from that July to the next February or so (2015), when I was switched to geodon because I was really upset and I constantly felt awful about myself from gaining so much weight on it. The next medication made me gain weight too, but not nearly as quickly or as much. I got off of that one this August since I hated myself for being fat. I was put on welbutrin that day. For the next maybe month and a half, I felt amazing. I lost weight, the amount of time I slept was about half of what it was, and I still felt more energy than before. I was always up for going out and doing things, begging my parents to take me everywhere because I hated being in the house and doing. When my birthday came, I got birthday money, which made me more eager to leave so I could buy things. I spent it all in a week. It was about 280 USD. Anyway, after a while I just kinda stopped having fun. I started wanting to stay in bed again and do nothing, and I had zero motivation for anything. It's been like that since. Today, I ate dinner and went to my room. I got really anxious and started feeling like I was going to fall out of my body. I started feeling like I was glitching like a video game or something, which I haven't felt since 2014. I felt really weird and jumpy. Oh, and I forgot to mention but for a few months now I often feel surreal. Everything feels like it's not real, it feels like a weird dream or something, or like an alternate dimension. And lately especially, I've felt like people are constantly watching. Even when I'm alone I feel like I'm being watched somehow. Through a camera or a window or something, I don't really know. I can't sleep in darkness or silence anymore since darkness makes me see shadows and silence makes me hear these weird piercing screeches constantly. Also, I carry my backpack everywhere all the time. I feel really weird and bare without it. It doesn't even have things I really use away from the house. I also feel like people are watching me or judging my movement everywhere I go. Oh and sometimes I feel like people can read my mind, which has been happening since I was maybe 9 or 10. I think that's about it. Anyone felt like this before? Because I'm confused as hell and my pdocs are booked until late December when my next appointment is and I want an idea of what's going on I guess. Thanks.
Nov 27, 2016, 10:42 PM
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