[kasumi]

I have always been quite emotionally detached and lacking empathy since I was a child. I never really got along with other children and would often start disputes or fights. I would quickly go between absolutely hating the people around me and loving them (I still do this.) As I got older everything just got weirder. I started believing I was a medium, and that I could talk to the dead (I was only made aware that this was unusual by other kids my age.) I was pretty much always socially outcasted for no particular reason and I continued to fight with other children. I got extremely violent around age eleven. I could hardly make emotional connections, I would threaten other kids, and scream at them. I never realized that threats and the sort were even wrong, and nobody took me seriously because I'm quite small. I was bullied a lot through school for being queer, so this could have possibly made me resentful, but with the way I was even before then, it probably only had a minor effect. I stopped acting like this, and instead took on a very moody, depressed persona when I was about 12. I had this perception that people who didn't talk to me for a couple of days were dead, and would often get angry at people for absolutely no reason. I was extremely suicidal at this time and would often get into fights online or in real life and the fight would end in me threatening suicide or self harm. At a certain point I started noticing that there were complete gaps in my memory, something doctors would come to tell me was likely a result of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I continue this unstable behavior for years (I'm still the exact same way almost 5 years later) and it doesn't improve, it only gets worse. At about age 14 I had an abusive girlfriend who really messed me up. This caused the weird suicidal behavior to get even worse, and lately within the past 6 months or so, especially after turning 16, I've noticed some of my symptoms getting even worse. I attempted suicide about 9 times in 2 months. My instability has gotten to the point that I was forced to leave my job due to uncontrollable breakdowns which included screaming and getting aggressive with coworkers. I was kicked out of my school my sophomore year and forced into a program, although I manipulated my way out of it fairly quickly. I did not improve at all. I've had a sense of paranoia for almost 4 years now, like government agents are watching me, and want to kill me because I'm an important person appointed by the Goddess of the Universe. I've continued to vividly hallucinate for almost 8 years, including bugs, cats (specifically in the roads while I'm driving,) people, and audible arguing, music (?), and bees. More of the minor paranoia things include being deathly afraid of anyone being on my computer or seeing my phone, taking extensive measures to hide anything that includes any of my thoughts or beliefs, and taking especially extensive measures to hide anything and everything about myself at all from my parents. I have other odd behaviors, including a very odd diet, usually only consisting of three to four types of food. And I refuse to eat anything else. I also hit my head against things, including hitting my own head. I collapse a lot, and twitch violently for seemingly no reason. I also have an odd sense of being more important than other people, often ignoring wrongdoings I commit and only superficially apologizing. This is mostly for fear of being viewed as a bad person, although I genuinely don't understand that many things are wrong and I typically don't understand social boundaries. In addition to this I don't like to make contact with people who have negative opinions of me, for fear that they will control my mind in negative ways.

This was incredibly long, I just wanted to know if anyone had any opinions on this. I don't have the option to see a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist/counselor of any kind right now, due to negligent parents. I just wanted an opinion.

[Gojamadar]

Hi,
you probably statedout with Aspergers symptoms and now you must see a psychiartist or a counsellor. With some treatment you sould be OK.
Your writing is not bad and you seem to be fairly intelligent. If you or or your parents can't afford a counsellor, try a charity or religious organisation. You need some encauragement and help.

[leejosepho]

Hi, Kasumi. I do not presently have any opinion or advice to offer, but I do have some questions because I think we might have some things in common and I believe you are honestly looking for some answers. So first: Would you be willing to only share actual facts related to yourself and your circumstances without judging other people or blaming them for anything even if it can be proved they are/were wrong? I ask because portraying oneself as a victim never makes anyone well, and an example would be like saying "I don't have the option to see a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist/counselor of any kind right now" and then giving the factual reason for that rather than judging your parents negligent even if they actually are.

Some additional questions: Would you know what I am talking about if I were to mention "sensory overload" and "emotional meltdown"? How about "thinking in pictures"?

[kasumi]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Some additional questions: Would you know what I am talking about if I were to mention "sensory overload" and "emotional meltdown"? How about "thinking in pictures"?

Yeah! I experience those a lot.

[kasumi]

Originally Posted by Gojamadar

Hi,
you probably statedout with Aspergers symptoms and now you must see a psychiartist or a counsellor. With some treatment you sould be OK.
Your writing is not bad and you seem to be fairly intelligent. If you or or your parents can't afford a counsellor, try a charity or religious organisation. You need some encauragement and help.

Sometimes I am like this and sometimes I have no control over myself at all or what comes out of my mouth, if you know what i'm saying

[Gojamadar]

Sometimes I am like this and sometimes I have no control over myself at all or what comes out of my mouth, if you know what i'm saying Hi,

It is likely that you have "Touretts Syndrome" There is a helpline on it, if you care to look it up.