Some observations

Before I share some personal observations regarding depression and how one deals with it let me say that I have very much apprecaited the kind words and support of many of the people on this board. The support I received was invaluable to me at a time when I was going through the lowest point in my life.

Fortunately I have tackled most of the problems that I had faced, most of which were the result of my depression. I had an inordinate amount of problems: divorce, rebound marraige to a gold-digger that took most of what I had saved, loss of job, dental problems (due to letting my teeth go), problems with my eyes (again let those go too), loss of a relationship, guilt and shame over acting out sexually in an inappropriate manner (to self medicate), was arrested for driving with a suspended license (due to no insurance, failure to pay traffic tickets), had major financial problems... then finally admiited myslef to the hospital because of a couple suicide attempts. And all this from a man that once had everything, great education, great job... security the whole bit. I had my arrest dismiised in court, taken care of my teeth, am going for cataract surgery this week, under the care of a psych, have not acted out inappropriately in months, got my car back on the road... and life is good... not great, but good and getting better.

OK, so here is my observations. My ex wife once told me that I had to relearn how to be happy. That I had gotten so used to living a life depressed that I had forgotten how to live a happy life. My depression was my "crutch", I could use it to get sympathy, use it as a convenient excuse for not staying on top of things or for my behaviors... you name it. It was a vicious downward spiral. I think that there are others on this board that also are trapped in this downward spiral. Some may be trapped despite valiant efforts to get better and they just can not overcome. But, others trapped perhaps because they are, like I was, using depression as a crutch.

I was fortunate to have enough people that cared about me to help me through my darkest time. But, the vast majority of it I did myself. And, had it not been for one dear and close friend that drove me to the hospital that one dark night I may not be here at all.

My purpose in posting this is to challenge those of you out there that are trapped in that downward spiral. To try as best as you can to break the cycle. To stop relying on your depression to be an excuse, or the reason that you get your positive "strokes" when you are feeling down. To "relearn" how to live and be happy and get your positive strokes in a more productive way.

I also laerned a valuable lession about relationships and what is important. I thought I had lost the love of my life, and many days I still think that. But, somehow through the process I have discovered that perhaps the love of my life was enabling me to not take the actions that I needed to take. And, perhaps there were areas of incompatibility that could not be overcome. I can see that now only because I feel better and my perspective has changed. Many days I think things might have been different had I been well and not acted in the way that I did. I am still very sorry for that. But, true love... a solid relationship is someone that is there for you no matter what. Someone that "sees" the real you and understands the person you are and is willing to help you get back on your feet. I didn't have that. And, only now over time I realize that there were fundamental differences that I was to blind to see. I was management and she was staff. That did not matter to me. But whe had an inherent "union" mentality... a distrust of management... lack of respect... lack of trust... questioning each and every little thing management did. I have an inherent trust and respect for everyone and could not understand someone taking this position and it annoyed me to no end. And, we were not physically compatible, which I decided at the time to compromise on becasue she was a great friend. Well, I am not compromising any longer. Not on attitudes, philosophy, a physical relationship, or anything else. I deserve better. And I deserve better because I have taken the bull by the horns and I am not using my depression as an excuse or a crutch any longer.

I urge any one else out here to take a hard look to see if they are using their depression as an excuse, or a crutch, or have drifted into a pattern of living life "depressed". Learn to live again. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and others that care about you.

Let me be the first to congratulate you!! You have come such a long, hard way! You are living proof that it CAN BE DONE!






<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Wow! What a story!
You sure turned around and I can say that, by what I read, you must be such a beautiful person...keep it up!!

gab