[RedPanther]

Hi, I haven't posted in 2 years. A lot has happened, yet my depression is constant. I will discuss a broad range of problems that come together in a miserable combination, but the essence of it all is that I feel powerless over my life to every degree. No matter what I do, even small stuff, it doesn't affect the outcome.

To give you background about me, I developed a learning disability in early childhood, an uncommon one too. I've suffered from severe depression since I was 11. My parent were blatantly emotionally abusive and negligent. To note, my psychiatrist, therapist, and counselor have all explained to me there is a line between accidental poor parenting (everyone makes mistakes) and outright abuse. I had poor primary education (was home-schooled very poorly). I developed social anxiety, general anxiety, and panic attacks in my teens. I graduated college in December, but it took me 6 years to finish even though I started when I was 17. Now I'm 23, 24 in June, and have suffered from severe depression the majority of my life.

I have been active in my treatment and follow through with all treatment plans to the best of my ability. It's been a financial burden. One strategy I learned though is to try to look at situations and events objectively so that you can see it outside of depression's filtered glasses. It's hard but I try.

What wears me down though is the worlds utter heartless, selfish, and judgmental actions and attitudes. Even though there has been great progress in equal rights, legal protection, and policies, that doesn't stop public attitude, individual attitude, media disinformation, misconduct, discriminatory actions, and violation of rights. On top of that, it seems there is nothing I can do about it.

If its an illegal act against you, there has to be physical evidence to have a case which doesn't include a lot of interactions. There also has to be a lawyer that even cares, and that's if you can legally go to court over the matter. Then there's pop culture and the internet, and that shows peoples true colors. One minute they are on board against a horrible thing, but then forget about it the next day as if posting on social media solved the problem. Your life can also be ruined in an instant now and all it takes is someone with a phone recording a video or taking a picture of you, then you become a laughing stock or utterly despised.

Then there's crime. You can be robbed, stabbed, shot, or even falsely accused. You can be hit by a car due to someones reckless, uncaring driving even if you are driving 100% safe. You can lose your car and your insurance only pays 2/3rds of the cost. Sucks for you if you are poor. Also, there is an atrocious number deaths and injuries due to car wrecks each day!

Basically, to put it politely, way too many people suck compared to the number of good people.

There are so many things wrong with the world and we all are victims to varying degrees. You are suppose to overcome it and push against it, but not everyone can despite best efforts. And what about those at a huge disadvantage? I was abused with lasting damages, have a disability, mentally ill, poor, and not socially savvy.

Maybe I can just cope if I finally find that treatment plan that allows me to manage my depression and anxiety long-term. But then I began thinking that the reason why they are researching new drugs and treatment options is (as obvious as this statement is) because they don't have a cure and there is a lot they don't know about mental illnesses. So, you are left with lots of people who are unresponsive to treatments. That's nobodies fault, but those people have to suffer and what, wait around for treatment that may not become available within their lifetime? What happens when you feel no real joy and happiness ever and you just live in pain? What then? because that's my situation.

And to throw insult to injury, I watched a Ted talk recently where this psychiatrist has spent his whole medical career collecting brain scans of people with various neurological and psychiatric illnesses in order to model treatment plans. He has correlated different forms of depression and other illnesses with brain maps and uses the findings to prescribe medicine and therapy. In his talk, he mentioned that even seemingly innocuous head injuries can leave damage that devastates the individuals life. This brain-scan to treatment model is ground breaking healthcare, its not universally practiced yet. Thus many people are left with guess-work treatments, possible undiagnosed brain injuries, and ultimately years of struggle and hardship.

I brought this up to my husband, and also mentioned that I had a head injury as a child. This was when I was 9 or 10 (and I think 10), that means about a year later, maybe two, I developed mental illness that has changed the course of my life. I'm not saying that this is conclusive, by no means am I saying that! But it doesn't eliminate it either, so I have no idea if its relevant or not. So, now I wonder if this one thing has been significant player in my problems, and it turns out there's evidence that these things do happen. I thought about going to the clinic to see if they can match my depression with the best treatment options, and to ask if the injury is even relevant. There is a clinic in my state, but I can't afford it. And sense this is a relatively new approach in medicine, I don't know if any insurance will cover a visit and a brain scan.

I'm sorry for the novel, I condensed it the best I could but I realize that its a lot of different thoughts that I just can't resolve, and I've even left out the stories behind all of them and didn't mention some other issues that are floating around in my head. Bottom-line: I just can't shake this off. I see all these wrong things that happen and feel utterly helpless to solve my situation even when I try so hard because, well, that's the only way to move on in life. I feel I have no influence over any part of my life. Shoot me your thoughts, experiences, or anything, it all helps, but please don't mention "victim mentality." The difference here is that I realize everyone is a victim in some way and that's just life. Thanks for reading.

P.S. Feel free to skip this part. I want your opinion on the head injury bit, so I will tell you the story now. Skip if its not relevant to your thoughts. Anyways, my family was traveling with an RV. It was a hitch type, not the bus type. A few of my sibling and I were in the RV as we were traveling on the highway which is illegal because its hooked by a hitch and there are no seat-belts. I was watching the TV which was set above the counter. Well, I climbed on the counter to change the settings when, as I was later told, my dad made a sharp swerve off the highway because someone nearly collided with the truck. I was sent flying into the wall and cut my head on a metal panel below. After we arrived at our destination, I was taken to the hospital and was stitched up because I had a 2+ inch gash in my head. So, the key points are: we were at high speeds, sudden break/swerve, and I collided with the wall head first, enough to cause a huge tear by a non-protruding edge of a panel. I don't remember what happened between when I stopped crying and rest of the drive to our destination, but this was also when I was 9 or 10 and memory is faulty the longer its been from the event. Everyone also acted like I was unusually happy, but then again, I was a child who was acting like nothing happened yet I had a huge cut on my scalp. I do have a scar from it, I thinks its closer to 3 inches long but scars stretch when you grow.

[mc2ed]

Hello Red Panther....
I have a brain injury....with memory loss.....and I suffered depression as a result....of the injury.....I may not know what your experience is like...yet I feel your words as a connection to some of my life's living....

Because of my brain injury I really studied the brain...through the use of some of my doctor's libraries....there are things I read that stay with me....and looking for someone else about the addiction/brain connection of tobacco.....I came to a section by chance about the brain and depression.....It was very interesting...as someone I was close to was VERY depressed...and would do nothing for it....

Here are my findings...of course using the words as they form in my understanding...not an exactness from the books wording....

I found it very interesting...in that people take all these medications for depression...yet none of them are given as a way to feed the brain's need...to relieve the depression....they are drugs...given...to allow the coping of living WITH depression....

I feel a bit anxious writing these words knowing it is a space held by doctors...yet this has made sense to me...as I have family that are depressed and on anti depressants for decades...and there is not really an improvement of that....

It spoke of the chemicals in the brain....my wording here....that we are born with an amount....if we are depressed and deplete the supply that gives us relief....it is not a chemical that the brain or our body can refurbish on our own....it must be fed to us from another outside source....that and accompanying...talking therapy to address what gives the depression.....was the best results in healing depression...not just living with it....

In my case....going to Holistic Doctors...I was given an herb....and in the case of the friend I spoke with....their refusal to go to a Doctor....though agreeable to taking the herb...which I spoke to a friend of theirs who was a doctor and knew them....after years of deep depression....the kind where a frown was on their face so deeply....and they walked around muttering to themselves incessantly....after just a few months....of taking this herb....the depression fell away.....

I do know the reasons of depression are not the same for all....the doctors told me to expect it because of my brain injury...I had an open skull traumatic brain injury....my brain swelled....they said because my brain slammed around in my skull there was no way of knowing the bruising that occurred...where it was bruised....

I did suffer depression....one of my doctors was always telling me....I had reason to be depressed....I did years of therapy and group therapy....that being able to look at your own mind and thoughts...to see the pattern of your reactions...was most helpful in going forward with my life....

I do see in my families case...I told them of the herb...yet it can not be taken in conjunction with their medications...and you can't just stop taking antidepressants....their choice also...was acceptance of medication as being the way they would live....and they also refused therapy.....I got them to go a couple of times...different ones....One I felt was doing nothing for them...and urged them to try another....Who I felt WAS helping them...yet it was too painful for them....they did not wish to examine deeply the conditions and choices in their life....they were more acceptable to being depressed on medication....than delving into what happened in their life........it is kind of wounding that sadness for them...

I do not feel it is appropriate to say the name of the herb....yet I could freely say...that maybe you could try going to a holistic doctor...for it is well known this herb...and they would have the knowledge...to support you with wisdom...the application if you are on other medications....

I still have times where depression rolls into my life...there are things I have discovered work for me....just BE-ing with it...without fighting it or seeing it as bad...is very helpful....for me....and I try....try....and look at my thoughts and actions....or at least to shine understanding....of my own truth...in my life....sometimes it makes no difference....and sometimes...it allows me to breathe more freely....

I wish you comfort...and peace in your mind...and heart.....

[shadow2000]

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I know that the post that you made was on the longer side, but I liked reading what you had to say, even though I think it's sad that what you said about the world that we live in today is very true. There's no question that there are a lot of problems in today's world, and if my own experience is any indicator, it can be hard to avoid feeling quite helpless when we live in a world where at least some of the problems that face us keep getting worse when we have mental health problems that are sometimes either not helped (at least in any significant way) or made worse by the main treatment options that mental health professionals offer us. I know that what I'm about to say might not sound like much, but if there's anything that I'd suggest, it would be to keep trying different treatments (including possibly different approaches to treatment) until you find something that you find to be at least reasonably helpful. The above poster mentioned alternative medicine as an option to consider, and I'm going to add to what was said by saying that even though the treatment plan that I follow now has some limitations that aren't insignificant, the results that I'm getting from following a treatment plan that I'd say draws more heavily from alternative medicine than it does from other approaches to the treatment of mental health conditions are better than the results that I had from utilizing more conventional treatments, especially in the long term.

The clinics that you mentioned might not be an option if they're the clinics that I think that you're referring to (those run by a psychiatrist with the initials of D.A.), because I've at least read in the past that his clinics don't accept insurance. But it's possible that this might have changed, assuming that the clinics that you referred to are the ones that I have in mind, so you might want to check with them to get a definitive answer to the question of whether or not they accept insurance. But even if getting seen at the clinics that you mentioned in your post isn't an option for you, there might be some qualified professionals near you who at least incorporate alternative mental health treatments into their practice that you'd be able to afford seeing. It's hard to know for sure how helpful you might find alternative approaches to treating your depression to be, as some alternative treatments have more evidence to support their use than others. But if you've tried a good number of conventional treatments with little to no success, trying something other than medication and talk therapy (or maybe a different form of talk therapy) might be something to consider.

So to conclude, I'd have to say that if there's anything that I'd recommend to you, it would be that even though everything that you've been trying to your improve your situation hasn't been affecting your outcome for the better, taking a different approach to treating your depression (or maybe to trying to overcome other problems that you're faced with) might lead to an outcome that you'll find to be better than the outcomes that you've been getting from the approaches to treatment that you've tried up to this point. Alternative medicine might not necessarily be the best approach for you, but I think that trying something that's different from what you've been trying is something that would be worth considering. Regardless as to what you end up doing, though, I hope that you'll have at least some success in overcoming your mental health issues and any other problems that you're currently faced with. Take care.

[Trencher12]

Hi RedPanther, I too had suffered a concussion when I was younger, my mom accidentally slammed the car door on me. While my dad has soem similar problems to me, i also wonder if that has contributed to my issues. I also had read a study somewhere stating that brain inflammation had been found a percentage of people with major depressive disorder.