[Maven]

Hi, everyone, I haven't posted in a while, but I'm still here. I'm going through so much. I'm so lonely. I have no friends in real life (I recently reconnected with a woman I went to college with, but she lives over 40 miles from me, we keep different hours so finding time to chat on the phone is difficult, and she has her own issues), and my boyfriend works almost all the time. Lately, he's been coming home between 10:00 and midnight, which is unusual but they have a major project they're working on, but he still generally works until around 8:00 p.m. He leaves early in the morning. When he comes home, he goes to his office and shuts the door. I don't get to talk to him much. He usually works Saturday and Sunday, too.

I usually get up around 2:00 or 3:00 (I sleep a lot) and go out for dinner and usually another activity, like shopping or a movie. I haven't gotten up in time for those things for four days, which is highly unusual for me (I haven't missed two or more days in a row for going out in a couple of years), but part of it has been the weather.

I also seriously need to get my Xanax tomorrow. I have one pill left (I take two a day, but have conserved for the past couple of days), plus my emergency pill. But all this isn't because of the Xanax; I've been lonely for a long time.

When I go out to eat, the servers know me by face, if not by name. I eat in the same few places every day.

I'm so fat and my legs struggle to carry me. I normally get in some walking when I go out, but like I said, I haven't been out in a few days. I've started some small exercises when I'm in bed, but that's only for a couple of days that I started. I'm trying to cut out some sugar, but it's hard.

My OCD and panic disorder limit me so much. Hoarding is an issue, too, but we've made some progress with that (except for the past four days). I'm looking for a psychologist a little further out, since I didn't have much luck in my area. I have a psychiatrist and I'm on several medications.

I talk to my sister in Kentucky (I'm in NJ) sometimes, but she's dealing with breast cancer, so she has a lot on her plate.

Please don't suggest a church, because I'm not religious and I have OCD issues with church and anything religious, as well as schools and libraries.

I love my cats, but it's hard to take care of them and give them the attention they each deserve (we have three indoor cats, two indoor/outdoor cats and six to eight outdoor cats). We never meant to have any inside, but one got injured on a neighbor's fence, so we took her in after we took her to the vet. She's fine now, but it led to letting more cats in.

I'm so depressed. I'm not suicidal. I just want to change my life for the better. I'm trying to make changes where I can, but it's hard. I don't have anyone to talk to, really.

If you read this far, thanks. I just had to get it out.

[aboutface123]

I feel for you and wish I had an answer. I too am very very lonely. I have been married for 37 years. The last 20 years or so have been lonely. We hit a rough spot way back then and nothing was ever resolved. I have kids which made it impossible (in my mind) to leave. Everytime I bring up anything that I believe needs to be resolved he either gets angry or shuts down. It's pointless. I have been unemployed for years because I had family obligations that needed taking care of. I rely on him financially. He is retired. He is always around. It wouldn't be so bad if he interacted, but he doesn't and I no longer know how to engage him. I have pretty much given up trying. The computer, tv and his books are his only interests. As an aside he suffers ED. It is strictly situational/psychological (been tested) . Sorry I couldn't help. I just needed to rant.

[Maven]

Thanks. I feel for you, too. I've been with my boyfriend for 23 years. We have no kids, but I feel stuck. I depend on my boyfriend financially, too. I get Social Security disability, but it isn't enough to live on. I hope you can find a way out. You are not obligated to live unhappily, even for your children.

[possum220]

Hello.

Have to say that I am struggling with the same pain. Loneliness. Living on my own is not helping either so I am trying to walk the fine line between being alone and being in the world.

Is your p'doc able to suggest something in your area? Given that you are unwell are there support services that may help to broaden your access to human contact?

[Maven]

Hi, Possum220, I've asked my psychiatrist for resources to help me become independent and he said he doesn't know of anyone or anything. He gave me the number of a women's shelter, but I'm not being abused, and that's not what I need.

[possum220]

Where I live we have neighbouhood centers that run programs. There are also councils that may be able to point you in the right direction. Maybe ask your doctor for some advice.

Even if you rang the woman's shelter and asked them for some ideas of what services will be local to you?

[*Laurie*]

Put me on the lonely list. There are times when I feel like I am going completely insane, just from loneliness. I have been married for decades, but my husband and I do not live together, and haven't for years (long, boring story). I have 2 children, but they're grown. I love seeing them when possible. I thank God for my 5 cats, who are my family in my home.

I have recently started volunteering, which helps some - at least during the hours I'm actually with people.

I do attend a NAMI Connection group once a week, which is the most helpful thing I've done to cope with aloneness.

[eyesclosed]

You know it's the worst feeling in the world to be married and lonely. I would rather be single and lonely like I am now. I know the feeling . There is no drug legal or illegal to cure this feeling .

[Maven]

Good ideas, Possum220. Couldn't hurt to ask. Meetup was suggested to me, too, but I haven't found anything of interest near me.

Hey, Laurie, I'm not married but I've been with my boyfriend for 23 years. It's really hard. I love my cats, too, even though I have a lot of OCD issues with them. I would volunteer, but my OCD is so bad, I don't like to physically touch other people. Also, I feel like I'd come off as a villain if they saw how I lived. I hate living in this mess, but my OCD got me into it and OCD is what's preventing me from getting out. My boyfriend is helping, but he's not around most of the time, so it takes a long time. And I've been sleeping all day the past four days and can't seem to get my hours straight again.

I don't think there is a NAMI Connection around me, but I'll see if I'm wrong.

Eyesclosed, I understand. It's really hard. I don't know what to do.

[Trencher12]

Originally Posted by Maven

Good ideas, Possum220. Couldn't hurt to ask. Meetup was suggested to me, too, but I haven't found anything of interest near me.

Hey, Laurie, I'm not married but I've been with my boyfriend for 23 years. It's really hard. I love my cats, too, even though I have a lot of OCD issues with them. I would volunteer, but my OCD is so bad, I don't like to physically touch other people. Also, I feel like I'd come off as a villain if they saw how I lived. I hate living in this mess, but my OCD got me into it and OCD is what's preventing me from getting out. My boyfriend is helping, but he's not around most of the time, so it takes a long time. And I've been sleeping all day the past four days and can't seem to get my hours straight again.

I don't think there is a NAMI Connection around me, but I'll see if I'm wrong.

Eyesclosed, I understand. It's really hard. I don't know what to do.

Hi Maven, i'm new here but saw your thread. Though my relationship experience is quite limited, I did for a period with my ex feel lonely in the relationship, like they were not really there even though your on the couch right next to each other. In terms of connecting with others, have you always had difficulty?
I do feel out that even engaging online with people is connecting.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

You know it's the worst feeling in the world to be married and lonely.

That is so, so true. Makes me feel like a real piece of garbage. It's completely about finances.

[Maven]

What I wouldn't give to win the Powerball or MegaMillions lottery jackpot. Or come into money like that.