A tired caregiver

Hello everyone,

I'm new in this forum. After much (self) debate, I've decided to ask for help.

I am here as a caregiver who's having a lot of difficulty caring....

I really don't know from where to start. I'm sorry if this post is a bit long.

My sister and I are about 5 years apart, her being the eldest. Growing up, my life was her life. Everything evolved around her, even more so when she became anorexic at the age of 19. The way she controlled her illness was by overfeeding me and scrutinizing my every move, blaming me for "being too skinny", "losing weight", etc. Now I know it was beyond her control but her anorexia scarred me and it has certainly broken her.

As she started to heal, she was also a bit abusive. Her personality changed. She became more capricious, wanting and getting everything she demanded, spoiled, jealous and insecure. That period was unbearable for the teenager I was.

Then she went and had this manipulative boyfriend. He would break up with her then tell her he can't live without her only to break up with her again. She became pregnant and he refused to deal with it, sent her home to abort. I was the only one by her side. It affected me so much but only she cared about at the time was the boyfriend who didn't care. Then he broke up with her for good and she had a major breakdown... A few months later, she developed some neurological symptoms. Couldn't walk or talk for a few minutes. Dr said it's stress. We moved on.

Later on, she moved away. I thought living alone would do her some good, strengthen her. But her symptoms got worst. She had another major depression that sent her to the ER more than once. It got to the point where she started crawling to the bathroom. They diagnosed her (a year later.... ) with Multiple sclerosis. They just said, you have progressive MS. Bye!

This happened 2 years ago. Since the diagnosis, I haven't had a real night of sleep. I've been suffering from insomnia, feeling incapable of help and dreading the future. It hit me real hard. I started researching a lot (A LOT) until I found a non-traditional treatment and a doctor who would give it to try to help. And it has. Since she's started it, her progression stopped and her MS is stable though she still has the old symptoms from her last relapses.

I am really here today because I don't know how to help anymore. Because she REFUSES to take care of herself, to follow her treatment guidelines, to do physical therapy, sports, proper hydration. She has two obsessions: stress and her new boyfriend. Recently, she has another abortion but all she cares about is her loooooove for this guy. They fight everyday though the doc said if you dont take care of your mental health, your MS will progress. She doesn't care. She's very controlling and he's distant. If he doesn't answer the phone right away, she calls him a HUNDRED times (I'm serious! 100!!!). Lately, thought she can't walk and is badly underweight, after a fight, she goes to his place in the dead of winter (-25° C) at 10 pm and doesn't find him. She cries uncontrollably in the back of the cab. The driver takes her to the ER! But when I say did you do your exercises, she says I can't I'm too tired.

I am tired too. I'm tired of trying to save her from herself, of helping, of not sleeping normally. She doesn't want to help herself, then cries and cries because she's not feeling well, because she's scared of becoming disabled, because she can't walk!

What can I do? I live so far away, I can't force her to eat properly and stay hydrated and doing minimal physical exercise and being balanced!! I've registered her for meditation classes, special yoga sessions, called doctors for her and I live in a different CONTINENT!!!!!!!! My life revolves around her and it is sooooooooo unfair! I'm always scared for her, looking for solutions, feeling sorry for her but I resent her at the same time!

I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading. I would really appreciate your opinion and help.

Thank you!!

Hello evans87: Well... I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. But from my perspective, there comes a point where your sister simply has to be left to her own devices, so to speak. She's an adult (I presume) & she has the right, as well as the responsibility, to make her own choices... for better or worse. So my recommendation here, for what it's worth, is to simply back out of this & get on with your own life. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have other perspectives to share.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

((evans87)), I am sorry you have such a challenge with your sister like this. It sounds like your sister has some mental health issues and needs to see someone who is a professional treatment adviser and therapist. Actually, it sounds like you could use some therapy because from what you have been describing this is traumatizing you and you need help yourself. Sometimes a very challenged person like you have described is like saving a drowning person who ends up taking you down with them. So, you should really reach out for help for "you". I know that you have come here for support and that's a start but you should also see someone in person.

You may get some other advise and you can also try posting this in the caregiver forum too.

You have a responsibility to yourself first.

Sit down and give hard consideration to your limits and boundaries. What are you prepared to do and what are you not prepared to do. Ask yourself what will it 'look like' - at what point - when you must step back.

Now set out for yourself what are the reasonable expectations of your sister.

Establish for you and her a set of goals (they must be attainable and measurable) regarding expected efforts on the part of your sibling.

Communicate these things. You owe it to both them and yourself. It is wonderful that you are playing a great part in your sister's life; but you are not required to. There comes a point that if they won't help themselves that you can't do so either.

If you are looking for acknowledgement and permission to feel this way, you more than have it. give yourself the freedom to not be perfect.

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. Your words hit home and are making me think things through.

But, to be honest, it feels a little out of control. She's at an age where she could have her own family, be responsible and mature. But she's been through a lot and as a result, she became this broken, narcissistic, fearful person who shouts for nothing and has breakdowns over little things.

I can't just step back, for different reasons: (i) She could become severely disabled if her emotions are not controlled and if she doesn't follow her treatment properly, which she doesn't unless I insist. I'm the one who pushes her to do the strict minimum and who calls the hospital to schedule appointments with her neurologist (which takes a year I might add!!!) She doesn't care about being proactive about her health but only cries over the consequences. (ii) She's alone in a foreign country. Her personality and her depressive boyfriend (seriously, what's wrong with gravity??!) isolated her from other people. She's friendless and is someone who gets dark thoughts when alone. When she's not with her BF, she needs me to stay online with her ALL day, otherwise threatens to "do something to herself". (iii) she's my father's everything. He's always ALWAYS worried about her, insists I be there for her every step of the way and to be patient with her. He's ill himself, so I don't want him worrying more. Even now, he still tries to plan my life so I can go live near her, which I find impossible to do at the moment (remember those teenage scars? I can't face living with her, though I'm ashamed to even think this way, knowing she needs me.)

My goals for her are clear. Care for yourself. Take all your medicine without anyone having to remind you, drink 2.5 L of water, walk 30 min, take time to be alone with yourself, do some activity, focus less about yourself, don't talk too much about your life to random strangers. Take time to heal. NOTHING matters more to me than her health and sadly, nothing matters less. She fights with her BF everyday, then she can't walk. And I am SO EXHAUSTED of hearing about it. She rarely takes a minute to ask how I'm doing, and I don't need her to, but that's just showing how self centered she is and how I'm the one who always has to do all the listening and comforting. But I'm losing patience and it's becoming a burden to try to keep her healthy!

You say I'm not required to. But if I don't who will? Certainly not her

Please don't fall into that trap of 'if I don't who will?' You can only do so much. Sometimes you just have to - it is OKAY to - step back.

From what you have described, it sounds like your sister was raised to be a dependent and got so she never developed a sense of "self" doing things for "self". I think your father unknowingly contributed to that. The problem with that is this makes her a lot more susceptible to attracting the wrong kind of men that see her as an easy mark to control and as you mentioned to the point of isolating her. And then from what you have also described, she is abandoned and then becomes obsessed with trying to get back with these individuals who provided her with a false hope but probably just used her for their selfish reasons. That is the danger of encouraging "dependency" even if it is done in a way that is well intentioned.

What your sister REALLY needs is a lot of therapy so she can recognize this about herself , AND learn to take babysteps towards learning how to actually take care of herself.