[passionfruit3]

I don't understand why i cant stop self harming.i did it yesterday again soon doctors will be forced to cut off my hand.
I dont even have a buddy i can secretly talk about how i feel anymore cause shes half way across the world and sometimes she wont pick up the phone(cause she uses her boyfriends and is depressed)my other friends might as well be half way across the world as much as i see them.still i try to be a good friend.
Being online sometimes stresses me others take my tough love approach as bullying but i feel like you got to be tough on someone whose depressed and push a little or they wont fight for themselves theyll be passive.
Anyway i dont think ive ever been clear from self harm for a consistent amount of time.it would be nice to keep a tracking chart but im so unfocused and unorganized i lose it or forget about it or mom moves it lol.
I told my therapist about my self harm her response was to show me clothes i mentioned my mom no longer trusted me for buying pills on the internet.but it must have gone over her head well we were looking at that fancy red dress(sarcasm) i guess she was just not in a therapy mood that day.cause normally the mention of pills makes her want to put me on a psych hold.also my Casemanager. Never called me either probably tommorow but that lady confuses me.when i switched Casemanager from my last one.she told me dont text her i respected that.so one day i called and she sends me a text message saying cant talk right now.i wasnt sure how i was to react since she texted me should i text her back or what?so i simply did not it just seems rather unfair. Cause me and my other case manager texted all the time.
Then when i went to the hospital awhile back i came out and her response was you did it cause of me which it didn't have the slightest thing to do with her.
I am also waiting anxiously to see if my poetry won the contest in a few days though not sure when im honestly scared.but if it doesn't win then there will be plenty of opportunities in the future. I just think winning will open up doors to publish my book.
I dont know why im rambling tonight normally i dont really talk to people cause i have no friends to talk to even though my best friend did call today but it was in therapy guess i just had to get some stuff out anyway im done now

[Skeezyks]