[Vinpin]

Greetings,


I’m in the midst of a quite severe depressive episode, and my typical remedies of eating it away, sleeping it off, talking it through with my husband and listening to my fave music are not working. I have lots of negative voices bouncing around my head that I don’t know how to handle. I thought some forum members may have some useful advice.


I’m a 52 year-old man residing in the Atlanta, GA area. I've been together with my husband for 24 years. He is a very loving, caring man …. but, our relationship has grown very stale and unfulfilling.


I have profound hearing loss and wear two hearing aids. Even with the aids, my ability to hear on a standard phone is impossible and in public is very restricted. Due to my hearing loss, I’ve qualified for LTD & Social Security about four years ago – so thankfully, staying afloat financially is not an issue for me.


The trigger of my major depressive episode today was a conversation with my Mother. Both my parents are alive and together, and moved much closer to me about 5 years ago - so I could support their needs as they grow older. In my opinion, my Mom can be very manipulative and difficult to deal with.


Today, she expressed “my sister’s” disappointment that I wasn’t spending more time out in Colorado Springs with my sister this May, for my niece’s H.S. graduation. My plan was to travel up from Santa Fe, NM (where I’ll be vacationing beforehand), and arriving the day before the graduation (graduation is a Monday, believe it or not). I first thought I might spend some extra days around the graduation with my sister; but when I previously pinged my sister about her time available, she said she couldn’t take time days off after the graduation, and even now is saying she might have to work the Saturday before I arrive on Sunday. I had even offered to my sister a visit with me 2-3 days in Santa Fe prior to the graduation (my time in Santa Fe is fairly lengthy), but she has not committed to this (although my Mom says she is considering it).


It was also very frustrating and hurtful that I heard about my Sister’s disappointment through my Mother, instead of directly. Although she asked why my visit was not longer a few weeks ago when we spoke via text ….. she never expressed any “disappointment”.


So, hearing this from my Mom just took me “over the edge”. I pride myself on being very “self-less” and giving, and in my eyes both my Sister and Mother are very selfish people. In the past when I’ve made trips out to my Sister, she (and the kids) have difficulty fitting in some "face time" with me due to their “busy schedule” – thus, I feel like my past visits have not been a top priority. Because of this, my husband and I decided to stop adding extra days to visits we make – and that’s exactly the approach we took to the graduation trip.


In terms of my Mother ….. it seems as though I can never spend enough time with her. I think my “sister’s” disappointment about not spending more time in CO was also her’s - if not only her's. My parents are not very social people; although they are quite independent, they haven’t made friends that they do things with. They rely on me for socialization, which I am learning to be smarter about by pushing back on them – limiting visits to once every week/every other week, stopping calls (which I can’t hear on anyway), limiting text message responses, etc.


I offer this episode also as a “backdrop” to my overall, ongoing depression over the last few years. I am introverted by nature … but still like to think I would enjoy the company of an interesting person in my life. The problem is I don’t have even a single person I am interested in socializing with – including my husband, unfortunately. He and I don’t have common interests, and our interest in intimacy has waned over the years.


I’ve made meager attempts to make friends to fulfill some socialization needs. The hearing loss makes it difficult, and hearing loss support groups are filled with older folks I have nothing in common with. As many of you now, it’s hard to make close friends as you get older …. plus, for reasons I am unsure of, people don't seem to be as interested in me as they are in my husband, for example.


This has all pushed me to the brink. A loud voice in my head tells me to just leave it all behind, and live as a recluse with occasional ventures out to stores and maybe some volunteer work. I really don’t have any desire to sustain the relationships I have, but yet feel obligated to do so. I think I would enjoy being completely alone – and even if I didn’t, I could always venture out and try to make new, fresh connections.


But for now I feel so trapped – like I am literally suffocating. Additionally, I’m experiencing ongoing stomach issues due to the anxiety and depression. I’m seeing a psychotherapist and I like her, but every time I think I’m making progress – I regress due to some event. I’ve tried all sorts of medicines, including the gambit of SSRTs. They all seems to make me tired and fatigued, and of course, really don't remedy my aforementioned issues anyway


I’m not suicidal, but am afraid I’m going to “snap” and make a major life change that I will ultimately regret.


Sorry this is so terribly long – but thanks for making it to the end …..(-:…..I hope some of you can provide some ideas of what I can do about my troubles ……..
Many Regards to you all,

-Vinpin

Hello Vinpin, it's nice to meet you...

I'm having trouble myself at the moment so I'm in no position to offer any ideas...but I do sympathize with the family problems...and telling ourselves that it's okay to put ourselves first...

[Skeezyks]

Hello Vinpin: Well... I'm one of those old folks that the hearing loss support groups are full of... except that I don't have a lot of hearing loss. (I do have Meniere's Disease & tinnitus.) Without going into detail I will just say I can relate to quite a bit of what you wrote.

Perhaps one way to look at this is to think in terms of what you want to be doing with the rest of your life. And then, if you can come up with something, fit the rest of your life in around it. At least from my perspective, you're not responsible for your parents' social life. Friends come-&-go. And as we age long-term relationships invariably change. Often couples in long-term relationships end up having little in common except for the fact that they've been together for however many years they have been. Hanging your happiness on any of these relationships is, to my way of thinking, an "iffy" proposition at best.

You're fast approaching a point in your life where it will become increasingly difficult to strike out in a new direction. So my suggestion would be to do it now. Hopefully you can do so within the context of your current relationship. But if not perhaps that is a sign that the relationship is simply not going to endure. Continuing to suffocate & sink further into depression would be a steep price to pay to keep things the way they are. Plus, unless you do make some changes of one sort or another, your current relationships may be unlikely to survive anyway. I wish you well...

[Vinpin]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Hello Vinpin, it's nice to meet you...

I'm having trouble myself at the moment so I'm in no position to offer any ideas...but I do sympathize with the family problems...and telling ourselves that it's okay to put ourselves first...

Hello SophiesMom,

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

-Vinpin

[Vinpin]

Hello Skeezyks,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful words of wisdom. They are so, so very appreciated!

I completely agree that I need to try to "strike out now" and try something new. I am headed to Santa Fe, NM on 4/13 for about five weeks, to regain some independence and see how I enjoy being alone. Contrarily, it is also to see to what degree I miss my husband and yearn to be back with him. It is an experiment my therapist has suggested and supported me on..... so we will see if this is a good test of whether we are meant to "endure", as you've mentioned....

As for my parents ..... I've learned through my therapist that I bear too much of a responsibility for their well-being and happiness. It is one of those situations where "you give an inch, they take a yard". I need to learn not only to push back, but to also not feel guilty about pushing back.

Thanks again, Vinpin

P.S. - I hope I didn't offend you with my reference to "old folks" in hearing loss groups..... for all I know, I will ultimately find my happiness with others in one such group at some point in my life .... and that would be swell!

I feel pulled in different directions by my own family members. I understand the frustration and the hurt. It took me 48 years to realise I wasn't going to make everyone happy.

Oh they still try their best to pull the strings. The 'guilt' trip seems to be a common tactic. But I use my get-out-of-jail-free-card. Namely, I tell them I have discussed the matter with my psychiatrist or therapist and received support.

Is this something you might feel comfortable saying or doing?

[Vinpin]

Hi justafriend306,

Thanks for your words!

Oh ..... they know I see a therapist, and I praise her highly. But I wouldn't call it a "get out of jail free card" for me. Instead, I think they view the fact that I even attend therapy sessions as proof that I am mentally unstable, and that I have thin skin and am "super-sensitive" to the things they say/do. They don't perceive that they are actually at the root of the problem.

BTW - I clicked on your artwork link - you are very, very talented soft pastel artist....
you should be very proud!

-Vinpin

-Vinpin

Originally Posted by Vinpin

...I think they view the fact that I even attend therapy sessions as proof that I am mentally unstable, and that I have thin skin and am "super-sensitive" to the things they say/do. They don't perceive that they are actually at the root of the problem...

Is it possible to put your 'support' people in touch with your mental healthcare team?

My family got very involved with meeting my psych team at the hospital. My father and son attended a session with my psychiatrist (with my urging). The result has been some very supportive friends and family. I have been quite open too about my health, describing my mood changes when they happen and their impact.

Still, I have a father and son who are extremely sensitive to my emotional health - overly so. If I express I am having a bad day - as regular folk themselves experience - they assume I am depressed and want me to see my doctor. The same goes when I say I am having an particularly happy elated day.

Another potential answer to getting your family members 'on board'. I belong to a mood disorders support group. We encourage new participants to bring along a support person to the first meeting. In my experience these individuals go away with a great deal of understanding - and relief.