I feel there's something wrong in my family and I have to run away to feel more free and less trapped as I feel now.

I tried to get us to talk together but nobody cares enough, not even my mother, and I am too swirled with complex and changing thoughts and feelings to be determined about this.

I don't know what to do. Even since my last therapist, my trust in therapy has been severely lowered.

Another thing to add to that is my previous therapist (first, before the last). After some time after I left him (met with him at ages 13-17), I asked my mother to contact him because I've been busy. She said he told her that I am "cute" for wanting to meet up again after so long, and that I should call him on my own since I am grown up now (was over 18 by then). I got frustrated with him thinking I'm cute so I didn't call him.
This hasn't ended from her with my first therapist.
I had a serious angry moment with my big brother, seething with anger towards me and couldn't handle it (It has traumatized me for a few months). I was so hurt I asked my mother to consider getting therapy for my brother, so she went to consult with my first therapist about the issue and he wanted to see me regarding this. He added that I can feel free whether I want to come or not. Considering calling me "cute" by then and the fact that I don't want to come to his meeting to make this whole angry scene my problem and responsibility, I did not go.
(By the way, after a few months I did talk to my brother about it and told him how much this hurt me. I just couldn't feel any emotions from him by then, even though he accepted what I said).

I don't know what to do. I feel like running away from home because there's an emotional problem here... I sometimes feel I'll be trapped at home forever. I can't even focus on hobbies and learning new things and it makes me feel so stupid.

An important detail to add - I've been known for a great, though selective memory. One selective subject - negative inter-personal events, even minor ones. Most negative events that I highly remember are events with anger towards me, or events which provoked anger inside me

[Nammu]

If you are past 18 and an adult you can just leave when you want.

Originally Posted by Nammu

If you are past 18 and an adult you can just leave when you want.

I know
(###(message too short)###)

[subtle lights]

I used to feel trapped to living with my parents, and I couldn't put my fingers on it. At that time I was having issues and wasin therapy for the first time and my therapist said that we (me and my parents) are like in a kind of symbiotic state...I think it was about boundaries
It's hard to move when you feel trapped...
But after I left my relationship with them got better
Still, the emotional communication is not really working.

Thanks for sharing your story.
Leaving is also practically complicated - I'm going to university and I don't have anyone to move out with. I don't think moving out to live alone will be a good choice. I am unsure. I left two groups of friends overtime and only have a few selected friends left.
Dorms are not a 100% guarantee since I live close to university.
Hiring a fine apartment is not cheap in my country, with all the necessities you need to pay for such as bills and food, and I just don't know how I can hold this off without the aid of roommates...

A female acquaintance offered we could go to a university further away from where we live, which focuses on science and engineering. While I love the thrill of the idea, I feared I'll feel alone and again, the idea of paying for a dorm for 3-4 years while having to work for the rent and food...

[it'sgrowtime]

If you are stuck at home for now, hopefully you can make the best of it. I understand it is hard to deal with anger and conflict in living situations. Siblings can really anger each other sometimes. You will move out someday when the time is right.

Therapist 1 can't make your brother to go to counseling, so that's likely why he invited you to call him/see him? Especially since you had wanted to see him anyway. If you want to talk with him, hopefully you will give it a chance by calling. Being called cute is annoying, but maybe it was a miscommunication between him, your mom, then you? I hope he wouldn't truly send you an insulting message through your mom. I was called cute at your age a time or two. It did annoy/anger me so much back then; but now looking back, I think the person actually meant it fondly.

I hope you will find a peaceful way on these two matters.

Yes, I was thinking on putting this behind so I can sort my past among other things.
But I'm just not sure. I didn't quite like my previous therapist. In fact, I have an extreme difficulty connecting to people, because I've seen struggling people rise up by hurting others, me among them. So I find recovery something that hurts others in exchange because of events I've been through.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry that you're struggling. I understand your difficulties about leaving your home/parents. Hope you'll be able to get out of this environment when you have the chance.

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

... I've seen struggling people rise up by hurting others, me among them. So I find recovery something that hurts others in exchange because of events I've been through.

I've seen that too...other people seeming to succeed upon the backs of others; however, each person has their own conscience to answer to. I have not recovered by being cruel to others. In fact, that type of behavior hurt me after the thrill/emotion was over. I have recovered by focusing on my empowerment/courage/self-worth, compassion, and boundaries. Although there is a dominant/submissive angle among people, somehow I thrive best by aiming to be an equal. If someone cannot be my equal, I will have more boundaries with them.

Originally Posted by it'sgrowtime

I've seen that too...other people seeming to succeed upon the backs of others; however, each person has their own conscience to answer to. I have not recovered by being cruel to others. In fact, that type of behavior hurt me after the thrill/emotion was over. I have recovered by focusing on my empowerment/courage/self-worth, compassion, and boundaries. Although there is a dominant/submissive angle among people, somehow I thrive best by aiming to be an equal. If someone cannot be my equal, I will have more boundaries with them.

I remember loving equality and balance, but I have a hard time loving it now because nothing feels balanced to me.

Look, seriously... I was going to write allot. But I feel like such a mess, and with all the overthinking through my life trying to figure out why I'm such a failure in social life... that I just don't want to write.
All I feel right now it's my parent's fault... otherwise I would be able to have meaningful relationships and experiences with meaningful people, and actually be able to maintain fulfilling romantic relationships, instead of up to 1.5 months relationships where the first and third (last) tell you that you're an amazing person along the way... but no, they don't want to be your girlfriend.
Oh wait, I can't blame others since I have to be "mature" and blame myself.
I think I'm not emotionally mature enough to blame myself.

[Rose76]

When you're 18, you don't "run away" from home. (That's for 8 year olds.) At your age, it's time to plan your "departure." You figure out where you're running to and how you're going to get food, shelter, etc. Any chance of you going away to college for a few years. Getting away from your mother is something a guy your age seriously needs to start thinking about. There's a lot of things you need to figure out that you're never going to figure out in a therapist's office. A think your whole family is a bit too therapy oriented. You learn how life works by living, not by sitting in an office talking.

Do you have any way to earn money? Until you do, you will be stuck living with your family. Of course there's a something wrong in your family. There's something wrong in everyone's family.

[it'sgrowtime]

you dont have to blame yourself, or anyone, I don't think. Our heart takes a gamble with love. The pain of being dumped is so awful, it's a wonder anyone tries it again. Blame and fault can't always be measured or applied to breakups and relationships. i think the rules of love and friendship are different for everyone. I know I couldn't be happy with types of relationships I see other people thriving in, and vice versa. with all the fish in the sea, keep swimming
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Love starts within you!

I have allot to tell, but knowing from experience that revealing about yourself will make others see and treat you as weak in action, I will unfortunately refrain from doing so.

EDIT: Apologies... I have my own problems, whether they're because of me or not... I can be a very open person, but I don't know people here well enough to share it publicly.

Our family is great overall... but I've been so disappointed with myself when it comes to relationships with people, I felt useless and inferior. Since the greatest life experiences are shared together... I would feel I'm lifeless.
From experience, deep down my heart is very naive and small... makes me feel so stupid, and hopeless, because when I speak from the heart, I can sound like an innocent child...

[rainbowllama]

i know what you mean about feeling trapped. i feel the same way. it's not that i'm from an abusive home or anything, i just know that as long as i'm here nothing will change. i wish i had some advice for you, but idk. i hope things get better. maybe try finding a new therapist if you can?

(Trig)
Well, seriously... I don't want to recover. I just don't want to become a piece of **** like some people have become because they've improved themselves. Also made me feel like a piece of **** with myself, because all I want is acceptance. Improvement is a competitive attitude for eternally-hungry people who feast upon the weak, always trying to change each other.
Yep, I'm a rotten piece of crap who would not accept other's people's help, because I never asked for that help, and they insisted on giving it because they want to have power over me.

I don't know what to do, I know I need help, but I don't want the help of "friends" and a therapist who pretends to be one (I still have selective bad memories from my first therapist, who hid doubtful feelings towards me). I hate the fact that therapy makes you fall before you "recover" (as you were never good enough) step by step.

How can I recover when sources tell being isolated harms your health? It's a double hit on the sufferer.

[Rose76]

No therapist is your friend. A therapist is someone hired to do a job. Some do a better job than others. Some don't manage to find a way to be helpful. The remark the therapist made to your mother was unprofessional. Now that you are 18, any relationship you have with a therapist needs to be between the therapist and you. Your mother needs to not be in the middle . . . and not carrying messages between the therapist and you. That's what that therapist should have told your mother. You need to be the one calling and making your own appointment. I suggest you start fresh with a new therapist.

Keep in mind that therapists are just people who make mistakes and develop resentments. Many have no special expertise in how to have a happy life. A lot of them are divorced and have all kinds of relationship problems of their own.

I've been through the experience, myself, of feeling betrayed and discovering that a therapist had a much lower opinion of me than I realized. It's a he// of a thing to find out, after you've confided a great deal in someone whom you felt respected you. Therapists should be honest and let you know what they see as your faults and limitations - I believe. But, often, a therapist is just trying to make a living, and they tell you what's going to make you want to come back for another appointment. Some of them are pretty screwed up themselves.

There are times in your life when therapy just isn't going to do much for you. When that's happening, pack it in and move on. You need experience in life. No amount of therapy can give you that. Make sure you're either in school, or working. Don't just hang around. That's a sure-fire way to stay stupid forever. Pursue connectedness with others however works for you. At 18 people outside your family should be quite important to you. If your main relationships are only with parents and siblings, you need to leave the nest more. You can't stay a little hatchling forever.

Assume your mother is never going to change and that she did the best she knew how. Never mind trying to get her to be how you wished she were. You are not the son she dreamed of having, either. Most families are made up of people who are disappointed in each other to one degree or another. You come to accept that they are how they are, and you learn to move on.

Always remember: there are way worse people in the world than you. And plenty of them expect to be accepted just as they are, and a lot of them are accepted.

[it'sgrowtime]

I can't read between the lines, but I see your frustration. Usually people do conform if they want to be (superficially) accepted, it seems. It's a strong heart that can stay true to itself.
"help" should feel good, and a relief. But working with others is hard and often painful, I think, and I have to detach from my insecurities sometimes to do it.
I believe any person in therapy will have greater insight than their therapist about something, since therapists will have their own inexperiences. friends often give bad advice. I learn from my kids. Sometimes everyone seems to be scraping by.
I admire your gift of speaking from the heart. It is valuable, and likely somewhat unique.

Thanks for the replies. I was about to keep on topic, but I have so many mixed feelings and thoughts swirling around, it's hard for me to keep focused and on-going...