I need to vent a little, so no need to read unless you want to add to this vent

I am in a lot of pain lately. My depression is bad and there have been things happening in my life that are not easy.
If I was in physical pain (and I have been and know what it's like when it's bad) I could go the hospital and they would give me something....I could be OUT of pain in a matter of an hour at the most. Or I would pass out from the intensity of the pain, but I wouldn't feel it. I would have a reprieve and know that the pain would improve, possibly.

Intense sadness is undeniably as painful...depression is undeniably as painful. But there is nowhere to go to get away from it. I can't look forward to a little while of painlessness. Nobody will give me a shot or a pill that will take effect in an hour. This pain will not subside in that way.

The only way you can see out of it is to end it all. Death is better than agony.

If you are of the mindset that there are "things to live for" then you have not experienced mental pain like I do. You don't understand. Those of us who know that the pain has to stop now because we can't take it any more might be more sensitive...or our brains might work differently...or we have a darker soul....I don't really know.

But please don't say you understand if it's not like this for you.

[Quarter life]

Dear sophiesmom.

I most certainly do understand, which makes it all the worse as I am unable to reach through the screen and do my utmost to help you.

When we are in the grip of this all pervasive inky blackness we feel that there will never be any relief, that nothing can stop the pain. I won't write you platitudes or tell you that everything will be fine tomorrow....But what I will tell you is that I know for a certainty that things can get better for you. With grief, dreadful sadness, desire to isolate, perpetual darkness... we find it so very hard to see anything good ahead for us. But I ask that you try something very simple, not challenging in any way...change just 2 things about your day tomorrow. Maybe set your alarm and wake up 2 hours earlier, set the table for breakfast rather than skipping it, put on a favourite clothing item that you have not worn in ages...anything, as long as its 'different'.

Sofiesmom, the light in the inky blackness may seem impossibly elusive, and may take a while to find...but I know for sure that if we persistently look for the key we can eventually find it.

Please be kind to yourself sophiesmom...I would be happy for you to message me anytime if you feel like chatting.

[eyesclosed]

If I shower it's a good day. Wake up to a alarm clock? Eat , sleep and personal hygiene right now is very hard. A hour window of contentment would be great.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry for how you feel, sophiesmom..

The only way that I've ever been able to cope with overwhelming sadness and pain is either hide from it doing something like study or play games or if that isn't possible, force myself to feel anger and hatred instead by listening to aggressive heavy metal or industrial music while forcing myself to think malicious thoughts or daydreaming about how badly I would want to kill everybody who has wronged me in the most agonizing ways possible. Don't worry, I'm not actually going to kill anyone but I do fantasize about torture and murder a lot and it makes me feel better

Anger and hatred are toxic emotions, yes, but they feel a lot better than sadness and hopelessness.