My Breakdown - Becoming Superficial with Myself

WARNING - DARK VENT



I feel hatred is the right path, otherwise people wouldn't be hating. It is the right path for mental health, otherwise people wouldn't be judgmental. Releasing anger, regardless of whom is involved, is healthy for you, just like my father did all over the years, and my mother never did anything about it.

I feel if you can't get married and have children, there's something horribly wrong with you. I feel you have to be perfect in order to get married. Oh, and why would I enter a relationship if there's a chance of a sudden breakup occurring and crappy people telling you to move on when you just want to understand why this all happened (first relationship disaster).

I find myself highly influenced by men, highly unfortunately. It can even reach my own thoughts and views. I am a follower, even in mind and heart, and I despise myself for it. I'm a man too, by the way.
So if said men tell me to "calm down", deep down I question myself allot and suspect myself. I never blame them. I wasn't even expressing anger at those moments when they told me to calm down.
Why can't I be someone who blames and hurts others like they do? I think it would be better for my mental health to blame others as they do. Otherwise they wouldn't have been doing that.
It's always the "rough douchebags" who turn from bad to good after they've learned their lesson who get recognition, or perhaps be seen for their goods because they've already shown their bads. Just like someone who was your friend and used you to consume self-esteem, and now seems like a mature person once he got a girlfriend. And that's after he severely lowered my self-esteem about relationships.
That's why I wish I could hurt others... hurt those mother****ers. I want to murder my father.

I'm thinking of killing myself and hopefully restarting in a better home

I don't know what to say.. except that I'm sorry that you're struggling so badly.

It's all the overthinking, all the many articles read around the internet, portraying non-normal people as no better than deranged.
I once saw a little comic showing people with mental illness's "twisted" ways of communications as it's seen by "normal" people.
The normal woman was shown as normal, while the person with the mental illness was shown as some sort of deformed comical human.
And the thing is, that comic/article's purpose was to explain how people with mental illnesses actually go silent rather than openly communicate. I'm REALLY starting to hate "normal" people because of that... but mostly the one who attempted to "bridge" between "normal" and "one with mental illness".

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