[Raynaadi]

This might not be suited for General, I don't know where to post but I am sooo frustrated right now that I have to post it.

My Grandma's 83rd birthday is Oct 1. So my dad emails me and asks if I can come to lunch on Monday for her birthday, not just the 3 of us, but with his girlfriend and girlfriend's mom.

I would have to post a very long post to give history about those 2 women, but I'll leave it that my grandma and I aren't quite comfortable with them.

So he asks if I can meet them at this salad buffet. I say sure but is that were Grandma wants to go. He said she said anywhere is fine, but I worry about her being able to handle a buffet. With just us, it would be fine, but if she struggles around those two women it will be embarassing for her.

Then my dad says "well my girlfriend's mom is selective in where she eats, so if its not ok with Grandma, I'll have to get back to them." !!!!!!!! Hello, who's birthday is it???? Grandmas!!!!! Thats what I told him, that its Grandma's birthday, not this other woman's. What I really wanted to say was "why can't it just be the 3 of us for Grandma's birthday."

Arrrrrggggggg I see Grandma in a bit and we'll talk about it. There's probably not enough history included in this post to explain just why I'm soooo freakin aggravated.

Thanks for letting me vent.

~Rayna

[SeptemberMorn]

Rayna, just the fact that your dad isn't considering your grandma FIRST is infuriating enough!

If the venue doesn't change, how about you wait on your grandma? Do you know enough about what she likes and doesn't like, can or can't eat?

Hope things go well for your grandma.

[DocClyde]

Ray As always, PM if you want

[eskielover]

I don't know enough about the relationship to actually make any suggestions.....just ask a question.....why can't you suggest very strongly (tell) your Father that you think it would be a much more enjoyable birthday lunch for your Grandma if it was just the 3 of you doing lunch together. Suggest that Grandma has a hard time getting around in a buffet & that a nice quiet small size restaurant that Grandma likes would be a much nicer way for her to spend her birthday lunch. Suggest that some other time all of you could get together, but this birthday would be much nicer spent with just family.

Sometimes we are afraid to say things, but said in the right way, can come across nicely & the right thing can happen with just the right suggestion.....that isn't sounding like excluding the others....just not for this lunch.

Sometimes the suggestion can make the best thing happen when your Father might be afraid to leave out his GF & her Mother....when if you suggest it, then it won't be his idea & then can nicely be postponed to another time.

It might just work?
Debbie

[Raynaadi]

I thought about doing that. I talked with Grandma today and told her that dad wanted to do the buffet thing and that I told him I didn't know if she'd be comfortable there. She was glad I did that, because she is very uncomfortable with buffets because she can't see well and is unsteady on her feet. I told her I wanted to tell him it would be better just the 3 of us, and she asked me not to. He's still her son and while she's hurt, she doesn't want to make him mad.

I came home to a frustrating email from dad saying "thats why he hates planning this *****." He said he asked her first and she said anywhere was fine. I explained that anywhere would be fine, that she probably wasn't expecting a buffet.

So hopefully he'll pick another restaurant that she likes. He said he'll call her later. I hate seeing her in pain over her sons. At least I spoke up to change the location, but we'll still have to go and see the other 2 women. We both joked that at least we'll have each other there.

When my mom died 8 years ago, he had started having a relationship with this woman before my mom died, while she was sick. This woman is a nurse and he met her at the bar where his band used to play. At first he was asking her questions about cancer and what not, and then they fell for each other and had a secret relationship. I stumbled upon them holding hands when dad and I went to a concert at a country music club. I kept the secret. Then, he brought this woman to the wake, introducing her as his friend. Right after my mom died, this woman tried to take her place, coming to family functions and what not. It has never sat well with my grandma and me. We play nice but we're not happy about it. If they had just waited.....just waited until my mom was at least put to rest, we might have a different view of this situation.

Now the birthday lunch is all contingent on this woman's schedule and her mother's eating habits. Its really really hard for me to roll over and say nothing when I see my grandma hurting so, but she asked me not to.

Not only has my mom been gone 8 years, but I don't feel like my dad is a dad. My friends in AA are more my family, and members here.

[DocClyde]

always and forever...

[Raynaadi]

Thanks Clyde.

Quick update: Dad called grandma and the location has been changed. He sounded better in the latest email. So I'm not as frustrated. Thanks everyone.

I won't be here this weekend but I'll see ya'll monday.

Rayna

[Fuzzybear]

[splitimage]

Glad things are at least sort of working out - hope the lunch isn't too awful.

--splitimage

[bflatgary]

What an awkward situation! I never understood why one person's needs throw off everybody else's plans. You and your dad want to celebrate with grandma. Why does this unrelated person have so much control?

I have had similar situations with my in-laws. If there is any conflict whatsoever with my brother-in-law, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law want the plans changed. Sometimes the brother-in-law changes his plans after the original plans are made!

I hope you get this worked out.

Gary