[VioletShadow]

Hi. Wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's the wrong area.

I'm 28, male and my life is a complete disaster, which I am the sole architect of. You know that saying, "own worst enemy"? Well no one has adopted that more into their life more than me (slight exaggeration maybe but..).

Anyways I have nothing to live for anymore. The only people on this entire planet I care about are my mother and father, as well as my dogs and cats, and for the most part they're the only ones I ever communicate with. I've alienated myself from any and all friends I've ever had. I'm in a job that I absolutely hate because it makes me feel so uncomfortable, it's the kind of job that you're either cut out for or you're not. I was unemployed for so long, and to have a job again is amazing but this job is causing me so much discomfort and stress that I'm actually almost wishing for something to happen to me (health wise) to get me out of it.

I'm at the stage now where I'm constantly asking myself "what is the point in having a job when I've absolutely no joy in my life". Even if I had a job I like, what is the point when I have no one but my parents. Suicide is constantly on my mind, but it's not something I could ever do. I've put my parents through too much, I just couldn't put them through that as well. And despite the lack of joy in my life, I don't really want to commit suicide.

I don't know whether I really have depression or not. I've been to doctors and psychiatrists throughout the years and honestly it's never really done much good. I even keep self medicating. Things might go ok (and only ok) for a few weeks and then I just crash back down again (and stop taking the medication). Geez I'm even supposed to be on blood pressure tablets and I've stopped taking them too. That got me thinking recently - even though I don't want to commit suicide, am I subconsciously (by self medicating - not taking medication) trying to have something bad happen to me?

I'm just so weary nowadays... I don't know what to do. Everything I used to be interested in has all been squashed - sports, video games, movies, reading, etc. I live everyday as although I'm just waiting for death. And I hate myself for all this, because for the past 10 years or so all I've done is throw my life away and continue to do so. All that negative poop aside, I'm a fairly intelligent person so I could've done much better than the path I chose to go down. Yet there's other side of me thinking "oh you can't be too intelligent cos you're the sole architect of your own destruction".

With all the crazy things that are happening in the world these days, it just makes me feel even guiltier. I stopped believing in religion and all that a long time ago but... Honestly with everything that I've done and failed to do, I just can't help but believe that I deserve a one way ticket to hell for wasting my own life. I could turn my life around tomorrow, I know I could. And I've been saying that to myself for years now. But I don't. I just continue digging an even bigger hole for myself. My parents aren't gonna be around forever. My pets even less than that. And then... I've no one. I just don't know how to continue. I've just plain given up on life... basically that's how I've come to sum up the whole... thing. Just given up.

Anyways thanks for taking the time to read this. Actually feels good getting this off the chest. Have a good day.

Hello VioletShadow, just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I can definitely relate to how you feel, not being where you want to be in life. I imagine there are quite a few other members here who can relate to that feeling as well.

I see this is your first post, so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by VioletShadow

... I'm a fairly intelligent person so I could've done much better than the path I chose to go down. Yet there's other side of me thinking "oh you can't be too intelligent cos you're the sole architect of your own destruction".

... I could turn my life around tomorrow, I know I could. And I've been saying that to myself for years now. But I don't. I just continue digging an even bigger hole for myself.

The person I was at any given moment in the past could only have done whatever I either did or did not do in that moment...and while knowledge and wisdom -- so-called "intelligence" -- can certainly play big parts in that, mere aptitude in the department of intellect does not guarantee success. Having come to another fork in the road, you will have to take it...and I have come to believe it is best to chose our path for its destination rather than for its appeal (seeming decoration) or the depth of its rut.

[Sunflower123]

Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It sounds like you're really struggling. When you saw all those psychiatrists did you get a diagnosis? Can you see a pdoc now? What about medication to give you relief? What about therapy? I know you don't feel like doing much but what if you started looking for another job? Yes, there is such a thing as passive suicide where you don't actively plan and execute it but will let something happen or not stop something that brings about death. I hope you start feeling better soon. I'm here to lend my support and to talk if you need to. Thinking of you.