I just wanted to express these thoughts.

CW: race

I'm going on a weekend trip soon and staying with someone I know from school. I really want to not stay with her. She's pushing me to do things I don't want to. She uses passive aggressive manipulation. I don't want to meet her parents. I don't want to be in a family dynamic I don't know anything of. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want to even see her. I am connecting the dots between the parts of her I dislike and her home. Perhaps that's very mean of me, perhaps I'm projecting, because she kind of comes from the same minority group as me (close enough. white people wouldn't even see or understand the difference). I see her as the disaster I could have been. This is my internalized racism coming out. I'm also a disaster, but at least she's worse than me. And objectively, I hate her because she has no social skills. She's dull but conniving. I hate her. She has bad taste. At least I can pretend. It's usually only when you talk to me that you start to see my issues with being well socialized.

Due to isolation with a weak, childish mother for my entire childhood, and a psychologically terrifying father for some of it, and isolation from a society with representations of my race, I am strangely pristine. I've been programmed by white American "thought" if we even think(!). I have lost my culture and my identity has been ****ed up. I get a shock every time I look in the mirror. All the statistics say I'm disadvantaged in every way in our sick society. I'm more prone to violence. I don't get paid as much. Dating? I am just a fetish. I'm not a person. My whole life has been an exercise in beating the white kids at being American. It's disgusting. I'd say it doesn't work, but my perspective is so skewed from years of this BS. I can't tell. I don't know anything anymore.

I am very disturbed by everything going on in politics right now. The LGBTQ discrimination. But I can kind of hide that. I wasn't taught a lot of things by my parents about how to deal with my health so I'm worried about a lot. I'm worried about being discriminated against at the doctor's office--my not being a cis white male combined with my unusual illnesses manifesting on my body (self-harm and more). I was going to go to the health center at my school to read all the pamphlets about how to get health care, but I have a severe distrust of doctors and couldn't even get through the door. Somehow it's just a character fault, I think. Or I subconsciously neglect my body. I could just research on the internet. Maybe it's learned helplessness. If someone could just sit me down and wait patiently as I try my best to articulate my questions....

edit: I'm not deleting this post because I need to express this. This has been festering in me my entire life. But I am also aware that to some of you, I am "representing" POC here, so please don't judge too harshly. The thoughts are my own, not what every POC thinks. Please don't form opinions of people other than me from this post.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. I'm sorry you're having some issues that are disturbing you. Do you think a therapist might be able to help you straighten some things out? When you go on your trip do you have to stay with your friend? Can you afford to stay at an economy motel possibly? Staying with her and her family may be an unpleasant experience for you. I'm also sorry for the loss of your culture and your identity. Maybe the therapist could help you with that as well. I'm here to support you in your decisions and I'm here if you want to talk.

[BrokeTech]

I think you actually should write more, i.e. add more to this post or this thread. I'm a person of color, as well, and your post doesn't make complete sense to me just because this feels like it's just the tip of the iceberg and only bits and pieces of everything that has been bothering you--which seems like a lot of different things are bothering you. So, I doubt this makes sense to any white person reading this enough to represent anything.

If you want to send me a message to fully express yourself more with someone who might relate to you more in terms of race and LGBT identity (I'm a lesbian), you can. I know it's hard on message boards and forums to feel comfortable posting about racial problems and sexual orientation/gender identity issues, given that we know the average person in these places is a straight cisgendered white person. But they do affect mental wellness sometimes.