[chipperdear]

It's been a couple years since I've posted. I can't even remember what was going on in my life at the time. I know I was struggling with some sort of depression. I still am, but it seems to get worse a few times a year. I stopped podting for awhile because I started feeling like I wasn't "depressed enough" or something to belong here. I felt very judged and like I was pretending because "It's cool to be depressed". there was a lot of "one-upping" around here. But, I'm back and willing to give this another shot.

So, my current situation: employed full time for the past 6 years in my hometown. Met my boyfriend at work and have been together for almost 5 years, living together for 4. We work opposite shifts (8-4, 4-12), 6 days a week, sometimes 7. Blue collar job. Bought my house 5 years ago. Have a few pets. I have no children, boyfriend has one, visits on occasion (complicated situation). My house is a mess. My car is a mess. I'm a messy person and I always have been. I have zero friends outside of "work friends" who don't want to hang put after work with the people they already spend 50+ hours a week with. I've lost contact with my family. I'm 50+lbs overweight.

My boyfriend says he would propose if I wasn't so messy. He also says he's not ready to get married right now. A dozen people from work have been or are getting married within the month. I know that's a horrible reason to get married, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being used and we are just together for the convenience. Due to our work schedules, we see each other once a week, and that usually includes going somewhere for lunch, followed by grocery shopping. During the week, after work he goes to his dads and helps him out quite a bit, and hangs out with friends living life like he wants to. I, on the other hand, follow this schedule: wake up, sit on the couch browsing the internet feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self hate. I'm happy to go to work because it's the only human interaction I have. And it's full of backstabbing, manipulating coworkers and management. It's exhaustingly toxic. But it's the only full time with benefits job here u less you're a nurse, teacher, etc. It more than pays my bills, and I am comfortable financially for the first time in my life.

I feel stuck in this town and in this life. I want a new start - a new career, and new town, new friends
..something. I don't need all three, but I need something. This life isn't working for me. I'm unhappy. I don't want to make drastic changes because I'm freaked out that it's just a "The grass is always greener" situation. I don't want to make a decision I'm going to regret, but I don't want to be miserable any more.

I thought about going to the local junior college to study for a health care career of some sort, but I know I'm not cut out for nursing, and the other options either make less than I do in my current job, or have no local opportunities. I am interested in one of the programs, but it's so specialized that the job postings I have seen in that area all want more general, diverse training, not just the more specialized field.

I saw one of my "work friends" at one of the recent weddings, and instead of sitting near the only other person they knew (me), the person sat down at a table of strangers and totally ignored me.

I don't get it. There is obviously something wrong with me on some level, whether it's a mental health issue or a social problem, or both. I'm becoming my mother, and I desperately don't want that. Don't get me wrong, she was a good person and a good mother, and did the best with what she had. She never had any friends. She did start dating again when I was in high school, but married an unemployed drug addict who constantly left for weeks at a time with no warning, just because she was lonely. After I left for college, she started partying with my cousin like she had before she got pregnant with me. She was able to go back to the life she had before I interrupted it. She hid it from me because she didn't want me to start partying. She guilted me into going to college close to home and coming back home after college because "I was all she had". For the most part I was. She passed away three years ago, but I was already stuck here at that point.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I know that the only way to change that is to CHANGE IT. Myself. There's no magic button to press. I can't wrap my head around it. I'm dumbfounded when it comes to making friends. I feel like I've let fear rule my life, bit I don't know how to stop it. If I want to stay in this relationship, I'm stuck in this local area. If I sell my house and move, I would likely have to purchase something because of my pets. They will make finding a rental difficult. My boyfriend has the money saved up for a large down payment, but refuses to buy a home with me until we are married. I don't have the money right now for a down payment.

I would like to start therapy, but the closest ones are an hour away. With my work schedule, that's not feasible on a weekly basis. I may be able to pull it off every other week, or once a month. Could I make progress like that? I don't even know where to begin.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Yes, I think you can make progress even if you only go to the therapist every 2 weeks. Sometimes, when I absolutely can't make it out of the house, I do a therapy session by phone. You could also look into therapy by computer. Another option might be investigating whether there are any life coaches in your area who can help you come up with goals or strategies for change to help you build a more fulfilling life. Good luck and best wishes.

[carrie_ann]

hi chipperdear, Jennifer 1967 is right, if you can't physically go to a therapist there's always internet/phone etc, and a life coach is a great idea.

take care and good luck finding what you need.

[ebonileigh]

Yes, Jennifer is definitely right on this, if you can afford therapy via the net, that's the way to go, right now, if I could afford that, that's what I'd be doing, as it stands I'm on a waiting list for 'very cheap' therapy, and online therapy by the sound of it has a lot of benefits even though you are not sitting in the same room with the therapist, anyway, like I said I definitely agree with Jennifer's proposal, best wishes to you

[chipperdear]

Online therapy is definitely something I'm willing to try, but I've seen so many bad reviews for the popular sites, and have no idea where to begin looking outside of that?

[Fuzzybear]

[Sunflower123]

I had investigated at one time Dr. Phil's Doctors on Call app. It has psychologists and is easy to navigate. Best wishes.

[chipperdear]

I've signed up with one of the popular sites, currently awaiting a match.