[Geotristan]

Hello, i am a 20yo male and often times I feel like I think differently than most people, oftentimes as if something is wrong with me.
Thanks for your time, in advance.

So I just want to start this off with some backstory about myself that may explain why I think the way I do. When I was little I was diagnosed with dyspraxia (neurological disorder that affects all sorts of fine and gross motor skills) which affects me mostly with my speech: since I could I've had a major stutter. I was often times bullied because of it in grade school. On top of that from the age of 3-14 I had a bipolar step father who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me and my siblings.

Most of the time I just don't feel* emotions that have to do with people other than my self like guilt, grief, sympathy etc. I tend to have a lot of* harsh and negative thoughts about people, even my best friends, daily. I absolutely hate this part of my mind but I can't rid myself of it. I have pychopathic tendencies, like often times the first thing I'll think about is how does something benefit me, and tend to think strategically or I have trouble empathizing with others. I have no problem with "victimless crimes" and on top of that i dont feel guilt when i lie or steal from people, but i try not to do them because i know them to be wrong and i know they can complicate things. However at the same time I am a very generous person and am told by my friends that I am that I am one of the kindest people they know. Whether or not I do this unconsciously to make up for my other behaviors... I do not know.

I used to believe i was somebody who prefered solitude but recently I have come to relization* that I have an intense craving for social situations: If I don't chat with someone (for example) within 6 hours I start feeling very lonely, and eventually I start to become depressed often to the point of fantasizing about suicide but I am certain I am am not at risk for doing so.* However at the same time I have tendencies that distance myself from people, like I work nightshift, most of my free time I play video games instead of going out, and I have a lot of social anxiety (although I have progressively been getting rid of it)and when I do go out I tend to listen to headphones not to prevent conversation, but because I love music.

When I'm not playing video games or listening to music in my free time, I am almost always learning, watching educational youtube videos, documentaries or taking online courses; I strive for more knowledge about how the world works. I tend to think of myself to be smarter than almost everyone around me whether this is true I do not know. (Not trying to brag.) I scored high on the ASVAB: in the 93rd percentile without studying, and score 135 IQ on the mensa test (yes I know the idea of IQ tests are believed to be flawed.)

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I'm normal, or if I should seek the help of a psychologist/psychiatrist, and/or if anyone can point me in the direction of a diagnosis?

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. "normal" is a relative term. I encourage you to be evaluated by a psychiatrist who can properly diagnose you and point you in the right direction. Best wishes.

[carrie_ann]

hi and welcome to pc. i agree with Jennifer 1967, you should see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis.

good luck and take care