[biiv]

i got some things done today but it seems nothing can shake this. im starting a new job tomorrow. im terrified. ive never had real responsibility in a job before and im technically going to be self-employed so i have to get my head around the idea that im the one in control/responsible for EVERYTHING. i have to sort out tax ( ) and so many confusing things and get a lot of practical office stuff sorted and still be on the top of my game as far as the law is concerned and on top of that appear normal to everyone so i can 'make contacts' etc. i have a 'boss' whos directing me and i ll be doing work for him for a while until i get on my feet so i have to be the best i can be for him too. and i actually have a second boss so i have to be the best i can for them both. and i have so much crap from my past coming up at the moment too im really feeling totally overwhelmed. and my mum was on the phone crying to me today and saying she wasnt going to complain to me because i have my own problems right now. i couldnt even spare the energy to convince her to talk to me. plus a friend of mine whos mother is dying has been ringing and i know i should ring her back for a long chat instead of the few minutes ive spent with her but i just cant. and and and and and.
oh and this thursday will be the last time i can see my T for three weeks.
and this should be such an exciting time in my life and its such a phenomenal thing to be starting my career for real. i feel hideous that i cant be happier about it. i am happy. but im so scared. so really scared and not coping.
so hows that for a self pitying, attention seeking, pathetic whine? i wish so much i was stronger. this 'poor me' phase seems to have gone on for ever. when is it going to sink in that theres no one to catch me when i fall like this? thats my job.

[(JD)]

oh ((((Biiv))) You're not falling, you're moving forward. Yes, new things are often scary. But like you said, it's a happy time (even though you don't feel it.) I'd be worried if you weren't nervous!

Let's go over this "the best I can be" idea, ok?

Are you saying there are times that you don't do your best? (Not that we all don't have those times.)
But, I mean, even now, aren't you doing your best, considering all you are doing and your mind is trying to think about?
Of course you are! It's that you are comparing your best right now, to your "all time best." IMO. And that's not allowed! You compare your best to what you are actually capable of right now, and what you are actually doing, right now.

Don't expect everyone there to expect you to hit the ground running. Take your time and seat in a bit. Get organized, asked the others questions (it makes them feel smart, and appreciated too!)

Lack of confidence goes with every new job, imo. Gird yourself up. Try thinking about another time when you began a new job... and how you felt the first day, and how you felt the last day. It will be that way for this too (except I hope you don't have a last day for a very long time!)

TC. I believe you will do your best and that will be just fine!

[biiv]

thanks so much sky. i survived today. but woke up several times last night with a really bad sore throat and this evening every inch of me hurts. my clothes on my skin hurt, my sinuses feel like they have two anvils shoved up there (sorry!), my ears are roaring and my head is totally clouded. great timing.
im not sure how my bosses feel about me. not sure if its me being paranoid or they re stand offish. putting it down to paranoia for the time being until we get to know eachother better. didnt have to go into court today which is great but might have to tomorrow. feeling like this id rather jump off a bridge. dont have the energy to worry about it tonight though. just got in from spanish class. its nearly 10pm. having lemsip and then bed. need to sleep badly. didnt sleep much last night. too anxious.
thanks so much for writing sky. sorry my response is less than coherent.
((((((((((((((sky)))))))))))))))))))