[Erecura]

I just feel like I need to say this to someone and I couldn't think of a better place than this forum...

Everything about my life seems to be pretty normal, I'm not one of those people who can't cope and fit themselves into a real life. I am a decent postgraduate student, I have hobbies, a group of friends whom I like to spend my time with, I am in a happy long term relationship, I live in my own place etc... Everything seems to be just the way it should.
It's just that... I can't get rid of the feeling that there's something really wrong with me. I'm not really happy and I think I have never been really happy. I try to tell myself that it's just a general feeling of dissatisfaction that everyone sometimes experience, but then I can't get rid of the idea that it might be something worse than that. But since my life is pretty normal in every way I feel like I'd bother the professionals with my meaningless issues. I can't really decide for myself and I don't want my friends or family to know, because it's just too humiliating for me.

To get to the issue: There are days when I feel completely normal, even those when I feel slightly happy, or okay. Days when I feel like I can handle everything and there's no issue with me or with my life. I act normally, communicate with everyone, do my work, exercise, eat healthy etc...

Then there are other days, when I feel like the whole world is crashing on my shoulders and I can't take it anymore. The evenings are usually the worst, I stay up 'till late at night and listen to depressive music, thinking about how everything is terrible. I can't talk to people, company of others just drains me and I feel like I literally hate everyone. I feel so much anger and sadness inside that it feels like it eats me whole up.
I value good relationships with others so usually I don't let anyone notice anything and simply stay quiet instead of being mean to people, but then sometimes they notice how quiet I am and start to question my moods which makes me feel very uncomfortable.
It's the worst when I drink, I always get very depressed. When I drink I feel like all the nervous energy and the chaos I feel isnide of me just goes away and I finally can clearly feel my true emotion and that is only pain and sadness.
I've thought about suicide when I was drunk, I actually think about it everytime when I get drunk, but not really when I'm sober.

Even during my good days, I alsways feel torn, chaotic and nervous inside. It's like there are so many different emotion, ideas and thoughts floating through me that I can't ever make any sense of them. I feel like all of my experiences are sort of hazy and inconcrete because I can't ever focus on anything. I'm drowning in too much chaos, ideas, fantasies and everything and nothing at the same time that I can't pay attention to anything.
Alcohol helps me to feel more consistent and stable and helps me to actually pay attention to one thing instead of zillion thoughts that don't make sense. But I don't drink every day, I drink about 3 times a week, which I guess it's too much anyway. It's usually social, well it's always social.

Then there are other days, those are the worst, when I feel like everything is absolutely meaningless and empty. There's no sense to existence and existence itself is a cruel joke. But there is no escape from emptiness, because death is even more empty than life and we're slaves of neveredning darkness. During this state I just experience extreme existentional anxiety to the point when I feel phisically sick and I can't eat, talk, do anything at all...

When it comes to work and choruses I do just enough to get by but I never have energy or motivation to do more. When I focus on university I can't take care of household, when I finally decide to wash the dishes it's just too much for one day.
I dedicate most of my energy to daydreaming and creating excitment in my fantasy. I often feel like the real world is too boring and unfulfilling and so I need to create stories and concepts that excite me insetad of the real world.
I waste so much time on living in my own fantasy worlds that I miss the real one. I miss the things that are happening right in front of my eyes.
Whenever I try to take a hold of it and focus, I just slip right back into my fantasy world. I'm constantly drowning in ideas and moments that will never come true.

I have days when I feel very good about my looks and others when I feel very insecure. Sometimes I'd literally say that I'm hot and other days I just feel like an ugly Betty. My insecurity transforms into my relationships as well. I'm very shy with men, never initiate contact and I can't flirt. I feel very awkward talking to strangers.
It takes me time to get comfortable with people. It scares me to openly show and talk about my feelings, I'm extremely conflict avoidant and often rather than saying that something's worng I bottle my feelings up and quietly suffer. I often view myself as a martyr.
Once I get comfortable with someone I can be loving and kind, but I always sort of keep my distance in a case things would go wrong. Like there's always that possibility for me that one day we just break-up and it's still all up to me and I'm all alone in this no matter what.

I have a group of friends and I do love to spend time with them, but I often see the difference between me and others more than similarities. So whenever I think about how different me and my friends are, I just strat to feel like I'm alone.
I can't make new friends, I'm the quiet, shy girl hiding in a corner. I hate talking to unkown people and opening up when I don't know them well. I hate it when I have to fonction in big groups and behave according to some group norms, instead of my own norms. I've never adapted to anyone's needs expect on my own and therefore it's hard for me to fit in.
I don't make friends easily because I tend to be a little cold to people, I feel like I only need to make contact with those who can be somehow beneficial for my carrier, or my future life, but I don't see any point in just social talk.
Therefore it's weird that some people consider me to be charming... I really don't know why, but something about me gets some people's attention even when I don't try and I always expect that someone going my way and initiating contact with me. I like it when people are interested in me and want to talk to me.
Most of my friends usually invate me to parties, social events etc. I rarely make contact with them, sometimes I feel guilty for not talking to them unless they talk to me, but then...idk I can't really force myself into being there for people all that much.

I guess this is about everything...Sorry it's long I'd just like to hear someone's opinion about this. Does it sound like an actual issue? Should I consider visiting a psychiatrist? Taking meds?

I think what you describe sounds like classic depression and anxiety, and it wouldn't hurt to have it evaluated by a professional. People with normal, full lives are plenty susceptible to depression and anxiety. It doesn't require trauma or grief to develop. In fact, most of the people I've known in my life who have serious depression lead extremely normal, otherwise comfortable lives.

It sounds like you've managed to deal with these feelings for a long time, but maybe are starting to be more concerned? More interested in making some changes? If you can afford it, I would be all for talking to a mental health expert. It's very possible you could benefit from it, and reduce a bit of this "something's not quite right" feeling.

Thanks for sharing this. I know it's sometimes hard to just pour it all out, even among strangers. I hope you can find some answers soon.

[Sunflower123]

Bjørnen has made some excellent points. I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

[scarlett35]

I agree. I think there's some underlying issues there. Just because your life seems all good on the surface doesn't mean things aren't going on in your mind.

I am in a similar position to you. I don't know if it helps! I relate to a lot of what you wrote in your post. The shyness, being the quiet one. Also thinking about life and wondering about what the point is.

On the outside you'd never guess half this stuff. I'm also a postgrad (although like you doing enough to get by but not feeling motivated etc), have a happy long term relationship in which my partner is really loving and caring etc. But something doesn't feel right. The only difference is I know I have depression and anxiety!

Don't feel like you're bothering the health professionals. It may just take a bit of therapy to sort out how you're feeling I've been to therapy and honestly it helps!

Thanks for sharing your post!

[winter loneliness]

I agree. Depression and anxiety. I would talk to a psychiatrist and try meds.

[reb569]

I can relate to a lot of what you have said and agree that depression and anxiety could be a cause to what you are experiencing. I would start with a therapist and see where it goes from there. Additionally, I would recommend seeing an MD for a full physical. There are some medical conditions that could cause some of these symptoms and it would be better to rule that out before trying any meds.

If you do decide to try meds at some point, I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist.

I currently don't take any meds myself. The thought of taking meds causes me anxiety so I tend to change the subject or just never follow through on setting up an appointment to get evaluated for meds. Just plain therapy has helped me some.