[Eleny]

My parents are both extremely needy. They need constant validation and reassurance and need to be listened to constantly. It's exhausting for me but just recently I had a massive realisation. I am the exact same. I drain my friends by talking constantly and I've no coping skills to deal with issues when they arise, I panic and go to my friends, and recently I can sense they've had enough. Before this it was my boyfriend. I've lost friends over this in the past and it's only really becoming clear to me now. I really need some help with getting past this. I'm going travelling soon so therapy isn't an option for me at the moment unfortunately. What can I do to cope better on my own without needing to seek reassurance constantly? Are there any exercises anyone could recommend?

Thank you

I journal my feelings, which helps a ton. Instead of burdening others, I write it all down, get it out of my head and onto paper where I can re-read and evaluate it, and I process my feelings through writing.

I used to be the same way as you and learned that what I really was doing was processing my emotions... the reassurance and validation you need to be able to give to yourself. I do this with positive affirmations.... like, "I can do this, I am doing just fine, and I will do this". Whenever you feel yourself needing reassurance, just give yourself the reassurance, like "I am doing alright, I may have messed that up, but I will do better next time", kind of thing. Not sure if that helps any, but journaling is a great way to self reflect and also to delve into what is going on with you. (((Hugs))))

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I journal my feelings, which helps a ton. Instead of burdening others, I write it all down, get it out of my head and onto paper where I can re-read and evaluate it, and I process my feelings through writing.

I used to be the same way as you and learned that what I really was doing was processing my emotions... the reassurance and validation you need to be able to give to yourself. I do this with positive affirmations.... like, "I can do this, I am doing just fine, and I will do this". Whenever you feel yourself needing reassurance, just give yourself the reassurance, like "I am doing alright, I may have messed that up, but I will do better next time", kind of thing. Not sure if that helps any, but journaling is a great way to self reflect and also to delve into what is going on with you. (((Hugs))))

This is so helpful, thank you! How often do you journal?

Originally Posted by Eleny

This is so helpful, thank you! How often do you journal?

Almost every day!! Sometimes, several times throughout the day! It really does help!!!

[Sunflower123]

That's a great idea golden eve. Thank you.

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Almost every day!! Sometimes, several times throughout the day! It really does help!!!

I find journaling so hard. Usually I can only write for a minute or two and then my mind goes blank. Do you have any particular way you journal that you find helps the most? Thank you

Originally Posted by Eleny

I find journaling so hard. Usually I can only write for a minute or two and then my mind goes blank. Do you have any particular way you journal that you find helps the most? Thank you

I get really honest with myself and I don't hold anything back. I mainly discuss how I am feeling in that moment.

Perhaps what may help you is thinking about what you may normally want to talk about with your friends, and writing as though you are talking it out with them, but it's with yourself. Sometimes, I write letters to other people about things I may want to say to them, but don't. I keep those all to myself, but it helps.

Not sure if that helps any.... basically, I just free flow write whatever comes to mind. If I go blank, I put it aside and come back to it with different/new thoughts or events that occurred that I need to process. ***Hugs***

[ArcheM]

Honestly, for me the biggest roadblock is feeling guilty for skipping days. Like, right now I haven't journaled for a week at least (but I'm too anxious to focus on anything). I feel like it's a skill or a habit - forgiving yourself for momentary failure, and then coming back... And shame and self-consciousness. It's hard, but I think it's necessary to reinforce in oneself the understanding that it doesn't matter how much or how little you write - no one is going to judge you, unlike in other pursuits... Perhaps for someone like me those are the important parts of journaling - self-forgiveness and un-self-consciousness for when you fail.

Originally Posted by ArcheM

It's hard, but I think it's necessary to reinforce in oneself the understanding that it doesn't matter how much or how little you write - no one is going to judge you, unlike in other pursuits.

YES! This is so true -- we shouldn't judge ourselves in our own thought process, writing process, or even how frequently or infrequently we do write. It's simply something, a tool, that can be used to help us process things and get our feelings out, whenever and however it is needed or used. No harsh self judgements.

[Fuzzybear]

No harsh self judgement is required, I agree

[Eleny]

Thanks for all these lovely responses

[eskielover]

I had the problem journaling because before getting into DBT group therapy for 2 intense years I didn't even know the words to express what I was feeling or thinking. Without the words I just plowed through & trying to journal was just spinning my wheels.

There are ON Line DBT self help......the good thing about that is that it teaches coping skills in many areas with a focus on mindfulness (an awareness of everything going on around you & everything you feel & think......then ANALYZE it before reacting or taking action.

That was helpful & there are diary cards daily which really help for me better than a journal because it tied together everything & kept track in a concise way without a lot of writing.

I don't have patience or time to sit down everyday & journal.....my mind just thinks of all the things I really need to be doing instead of sitting & writing so I need something efficient, quick & effective

[reb569]

There are ON Line DBT self help......the good thing about that is that it teaches coping skills in many areas with a focus on mindfulness (an awareness of everything going on around you & everything you feel & think......then ANALYZE it before reacting or taking action.

That was helpful & there are diary cards daily which really help for me better than a journal because it tied together everything & kept track in a concise way without a lot of writing.

I have found that mindfulness techniques are pretty effective in reducing anxiety for me. I'm really just scratching the surface so far, but want to do more in this area.

Can you expand on the diary cards daily idea? Is that just using index cards to write your thoughts down daily or is there more to it than that? Sounds interesting to me.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by reb569

I have found that mindfulness techniques are pretty effective in reducing anxiety for me. I'm really just scratching the surface so far, but want to do more in this area.

Can you expand on the diary cards daily idea? Is that just using index cards to write your thoughts down daily or is there more to it than that? Sounds interesting to me.

Actually the diary cards are what we write down what happened & what skill it challenged, what skill used to deal with it or what skill would have worked better. It's all focus on the DBT skills to reinforce them in daily life

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I had the problem journaling because before getting into DBT group therapy for 2 intense years I didn't even know the words to express what I was feeling or thinking. Without the words I just plowed through & trying to journal was just spinning my wheels.

There are ON Line DBT self help......the good thing about that is that it teaches coping skills in many areas with a focus on mindfulness (an awareness of everything going on around you & everything you feel & think......then ANALYZE it before reacting or taking action.

That was helpful & there are diary cards daily which really help for me better than a journal because it tied together everything & kept track in a concise way without a lot of writing.

I don't have patience or time to sit down everyday & journal.....my mind just thinks of all the things I really need to be doing instead of sitting & writing so I need something efficient, quick & effective

This is interesting, thank you! I have to say I find journalling difficult too because I can't seem to get under the surface. Do you have BPD? I ask because I know DBT is good for people with BPD and although I've never been diagnosed I think there's a possibility I might have it. Do you find DBT helpful?

[mugwort2]

Writing a journal of one's feelings , emotions can certainly be helpful. OTOH I think some acknowledgement of one's feelings is needed too. There is the extreme of asking everyone you to validate your feelings and the other side of nobody validating. IMHO I think both are wrong and emotionally damaging. IOW Most people need some validating of one's feelings The prob. to me is when the validating becomes compulsive. Its good to strike a middle ground that you feel comfortable with.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Eleny

This is interesting, thank you! I have to say I find journalling difficult too because I can't seem to get under the surface. Do you have BPD? I ask because I know DBT is good for people with BPD and although I've never been diagnosed I think there's a possibility I might have it. Do you find DBT helpful?

Sorry it took me so long to respond....no I dont have BPD. I was diagnosed with major deoresson reoccurant & major anxiety way back in the mud 90's. I had more than my share of suicude atrempts not realizing then thatbi felt it was my only way out of being trapped in my bad marriage. Befire finally getting out of the marriage I went through a trauma when I caught the home care person abusing my mom when she was dying if cancer. i ended up trying to protect both my mom's & my life. That left me dealing with PTSD.

After leaving my H, the depression became less but he left me still dealing with anxiety having to deal with the IRS & back taxes he screwed up on mu inherutance while i was struggling with the PTSD & even now im constantly being effected by his financial irrespinsibility because my name was stuck on the home loan he wouldnt sell & couldnt qualify to refinance alone..

The DBT skills honestly are wonderfyl for everyone. It wasnt until aftef I left my marriage & researched the problems that i realized H's behaviors perfectly fit those of a person with Asperger's (ASD) Then I realized those behavious perfe tly had fit my dad too. Growing up & then living with a H for 54 years of my life where communication was a struggle & interfacing with people in a nkrmal lofical way was unheard of on top of having no clue about emotikns as emotional connectikn was an unknown. DBT has been the most importsnt teaching therapy I ever had.

Between moving to a place where people connected with each other & the skills i learned in DBT, it was like getting a whole NEW life. The best thing that ever happened to me