[IfIcU2mRo]

I always taught my kids that it's okay to not like something/someone, but never to hate. Hate has never achieved anything positive. It leads to one sided, negative situations that are very hard to turn around or escape from. Truthfully though, I've never wanted my kids to have hate eat at them, from the inside, for the rest of their lives. I've known hate for many more years than I care to admit. I hate myself. I know me better than anyone else and I know the reasons why I hate myself. I've always known what people need, the right things to say, how to act in any situation, and because of that I've always heard what a great person, friend, listener I am. That should have made me feel good, but it just made the hate grow. I know my secrets and not just mine, but most everybody else's. I never tell, I never release anything people ask me not to. Then, you have to throw in the schizophrenia. Actually schizo-affective. Unmedicated, I struggle with audio and visual hallucinations, and lately I've been having phantom smells, YAY!! Most of the time I'm good, but there are days I'm not sure if I'm even alive. I'm afraid to go outside, or be around people because I don't know how I'll act. I hate the burden I am to my wife, my kids, the rest of my family. I never want my kids to know that kind of hate, either for themselves or, especially, for me. There are so many more examples running through my head, but I need to wrap this up. I only hope no one else feels the extreme pain that comes from hate.

[MickeyCheeky]

MI can give us a wrong perception of ourselves... remember that you're not necessarily the person you feel you are

[IfIcU2mRo]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

MI can give us a wrong perception of ourselves... remember that you're not necessarily the person you feel you are

Thank you, sometimes just knowing someone is listening helps more than anything.

[eskielover]

I never hated anything in my life until just before I left my 33 year marriage. H8s behaviors created an anger & hate in me to the point of seeing red when I had to feal with him.

Ok, leaving & getting myself help, I have finally healed from those feelings but I also wouldn't be unwise enough to put myself back in that situation either.

It is tje worst emotipn to experience. So thankful I was able to process what I experienced so I could et go of those feelings

[IfIcU2mRo]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but very glad you found a way to deal with it. I hope that hate never comes back to you.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by IfIcU2mRo

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but very glad you found a way to deal with it. I hope that hate never comes back to you.

Thank you....it won't as I am in a totally new place in my life now than I was then. Even his totally ingoring my divorce petitions & not responding to them is not making me angry now I know the cause of his behaviors. I understand why though my lawyer doesnt quite get it but we jyst deal with things as they happen & make the best out if it. Anger doesn't solve a thing & actually causes one to react more emotionally than logical.

Being surrounded by new caring friends I never had before really helpes keep me grounded & so does studying God's word. Live the difference & would never allow myself to go back to whete I was.