Issues with receiving accurate psychological testing

The psychiatrist at my final SSDI examination almost called an end to the exam because i kept talking off the subject. He yelled at me and said if you cant just answer the questions, i cant do the exam and we can just stop now. He had to rein me in a few more times after that, but we got thru it. Its the same thing, you feel like youre trying to be honest, but its more than the other person can code, literally.

I don't know honestly. I mean, I have so many physical disabilities at this point it is unreal...but I was still denied at the hearing level and appeal and had to start all over again. As a result, I'm more than a little stressed this point - it's been five years. So whenever I am repeating tests that I took last time when I didn't get it, I'm panicking.

~nods~ I get it. When I don't think about it (or overthink) the more likely something like that is to come out. Too, the more stressed I am, the more literal I get. So yeah, talking to my therapist, who I trust more than anyone in the world...this doesn't happen nearly as much. When it does, she laughs - not 'at me' but just a joyful type of laugh, letting me know to revisit what she asked me and find a different meaning. But she loves me and I trust in that, you know?

Talking to a psychologist who is working weekends for Social Security because they are trying to pay off student loans (or whatever) and knowing that Social Security prioritizes subcontracting out doctors and psychologists according to how often they find a patient not disabled... I mean, these doctors have a financial incentive to find me not disabled and my survival depends upon them finding me disabled, yeah... stressful to the point of a panic attack. So I become almost a machine or computer - without artificial intelligence.

I didn't know it, but I needed to hear this. I was feeling very alone, wanted to crawl into the closet. This helped. Thank you.

I’d say with physical ailments they should just look at those, why even bother with these questions! Unreal.

To add insult to injury, imagine this:

I found a place to live a month ago after five months homeless through the Winter. I went to my states general assistance and food stamp office. There were two possibilities for me when it came to general assistance - $197/month OR a program that would pay my rent and utilities for a year. Clearly the second program was more valuable to me because $197/month doesn't go far. The second program is for those folks who are temporarily disabled and will be for less than a year.

I was approved for that one while they sent for my medical records. Upon receiving them, the State immediately rescinded my eligibility for the second program saying that I was permanently disabled and will not be able to return to work. So the State says that I am permanently disabled and the Federal government refuses to even grant me temporary disability status - according to them, I'm not disabled at all.

To make matters even WORSE...

After my hearing in Sept. 2016, I went out to find a job against my primary care physicians advice. The lawyer and I agreed that the hearing with the Social Security judge went poorly and I wasn't going to be approved. I started work on a Monday and had a heart attack before lunch on my first day. We appealed the judges decision - still denied.

You can’t get temporary disability because you have a permanent one yet permanent one is being denied. Great. Sorry you are going through this. It’s absolutely dreadful.

I've not put in a trigger warning before so I'm going to err on the side of caution and write this in addition to the post icon. There's one line in here that I am addressing for severe childhood abuse. Once you get past that line, there is nothing else to be concerned about.

Something I've clarified somewhat in the latter part of this thread is that the more anxiety I feel, the more my responses become extremely literal. Besides the ASD, I suffered severe early childhood abuse (hence the DID). Here's that trigger warning line before I skip to a new paragraph: I was smothered by my mother three times before I was a year old and my heart stopped each of those times before I was brought back.

As I got older, I found that one thing could protect me where nothing else would. If I did exactly what she told me to do, when she told me to do it, it would save me from her wrath even if it is not what she meant. If she told me to take the garbage outside for instance, there was always a chance she would go ballistic on me when I brought the garbage can back inside because it dripped something on her floor, or because it was a millimeter off where it went, or whatever...but, if I took it outside and left the garbage can there, she would explode verbally - but if I explained that she told me to take it outside but didn't mention anything about bringing it back inside, she would internalize her rage and it wouldn't become physical.

I have a tendency to take things too literally anyway due to the ASD, but doing so also became a survival tool exacerbating that inherent tendency. The more threatened I feel, the more pronounced that tendency becomes.