[eelsauces]

A lot has happened since I last posted. My now ex-boyfriend turned out to have been sexually abusing me. My current boyfriend, who treats me much better and has been in a similar boat, helped me to realize it after I broke up with my ex... and honestly, I'm not taking the realization well. I blame myself a lot. It wasn't exactly rape, but everything I'm seeing says that intimidating a partner into sexual acts like that is considered abuse. I think the word for some of it is molestation.... I've become extremely touch-averse since I realized what happened.

In addition, I've been struggling with the thought that I might be dead. Things seem too peaceful to be real right now - my current boyfriend is an absolute darling and treats me with so much respect, my parents have been nicer and less scary than usual, school isn't too difficult.... Lately things have been so much more docile and dreamlike. It's uncanny. It doesn't sit right. I can feel my pulse and yet I can't shake the feeling that it isn't real, that this is all just the afterlife, mimicking the life I had and offering me peace, giving me the chance to feel loved and play out growing old with someone I adore.

Physical sensations feel full, and it's bringing on the urge to cut myself. If it stings sharply, and I bleed, that must mean I'm alive, right? But I don't want to hurt myself. I'm a couple months clean from that now and I don't really want to do it again. I just don't know how else to figure out if I'm alive. Being told I'm alive doesn't affect me. I'm almost certain I'm dead, and the people around me are fake, but maybe I'm talking to real living people through the screen... I don't know. It feels like I'm in limbo.

[Stone92]

I'm so sorry you're going through that. Sexual abuse sends shockwaves through our lives, and your reactions are all totally normal and understandable. Try other strong sensations to help ground you, like holding an ice cube, or eating strong or pungent food. That might help.