[RoxanneToto]

It was kind of a day of “two halves” in terms of what my main thoughts were about (hopefully that makes sense, but if not it should by the end of my post).
Basically, I’m looking at moving out of my parents house some time this year (I’m 38, so this is kind of embarrassing for me as well as being exciting as well).
I looked at a flat yesterday, but didn’t like it very much for various reasons, but there are other properties I might be able to look at in the same area so I’m still hopeful.
But the whole thing just brought on a big wave of emotions this morning, because I have this secret, but massive fear that I won’t feel like keeping in touch with my family once I’ve moved. I just don’t feel like I have a strong, secure emotional connection with them, even my mum, but at the same time I don’t want to abandon them because it would (in my mind, at least) be very hurtful. I’m not a person that goes out of their way to hurt others. I’ve brought it up with my counsellor before, but I’m not sure I managed to really convey how much it bothered me.
I did a fortnight of dog sitting for my brother and his wife a few years ago, and mum visited me one of those days, but looked/felt almost like a stranger to me, which freaked me out a bit. As a related aside, I have an issue with keeping people’s appearances consistent in my head, anyway, which I don’t understand but I feel this could have come into play then as well.

I might tell her again on Saturday, because she was the one to encourage me that I would benefit from moving out (and I actually agree it’s a good idea, in fact I should have gone years ago... though I was resistant to the suggestion at first, partly because of this fear). Long story short, my home life has been toxic for a long time, mostly because my dad was an alcoholic with narcissistic personality traits; mum was controlled by him/trained to be his enabler, including to the point of us moving into pubs when dad was “working” in them - or rather, working his way through the stock - through my and my brother’s childhoods. There’s a lot of other stuff I could write, but to be honest it would probably stretch the length of the visible universe if I did!
I was also not given the best start by my biological parents, though I know virtually nothing about them apart from my mum had postpartum depression. Im assuming since it was the 80s there wasn’t too much help or understanding available.
I’m starting to wonder if I have quiet BPD among other things, and if I do, then I was going to be predisposed to getting it. I’m doing what I can to the best of my ability to fix what I can, now I’ve really started to see what’s going on thanks to my counsellor (who has been great so far).

The other thing, way more minor, really - one of the new residents was a bit nasty to me while I was cleaning her room, calling me names and criticising. On the one hand, I thought it was funny because I was just doing my job and not doing anything wrong per se. On the other, some people used to talk to me like that at school, and they couldn’t be reasoned with, so I felt a bit triggered, especially because I know I’m not really allowed to argue back at work. How to deal with those feelings of knowing someone is being pathetic but still feeling upset by those comments? I’ve always struggled with that.

[*Beth*]

You might feel closer to your parents when you are no longer living with them. It's a possibility, do you think?


How to cope with someone who is pathetic, but you are still hurt by their words...my first thought is to learn how not to personalize the things people say to you. What they say is about themselves, it is not about you.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry you're feeling hurt! Please do not give up! i agree with the wise and wonderful BethRags about learning to not internalize comments made by other people if possible. Try to work on yourself and your own self-esteem. As for your parents, i think i can understand that it can be tough but i think it may be important to do for your own indipendence. Try to set a number of weekly visits to do to your parents so that you can keep in touch with them. Phone them or write to them through social media if possible. i think you can do this. Hugs. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RoxanneToto, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RoxanneToto]

Thank you, both of you. I feel a little better tonight, I agree I’m probably going to have to set a contact schedule after I move and see how it goes. There’s lots to work on, I feel I might have to make a self development type of plan.
@BethRags - that’s a good point. I don’t always find it easy to parse it out, since I guess my automatic reaction is to take the words at face value, but I can totally see what you mean about it being more about them.
There is a possibility I could end up being closer to my family after I move, it’s just the fact I find it hard to attach to others (with a few exceptions) that’s been bothering me. If I was going to be strongly attached to anyone, you’d think it would be the people I’ve spent literally decades with. Mad, isn’t it?

[unaluna]

Yeah but how do you feel attached to people you find pathetic and who yet hurt you? I hate to admit it, but my two h's were the lowest of the low, in many ways. Just as my parents were. I often hear on television people (on scripted shows, not reality tv!) saying, "oh i was raised to help someone in need" etc. Really? My parents didnt teach me any such standards. It was trick someone else before they trick you. If someone says they need help they are tricking you.

I have had that feeling of seeing my mother as a stranger in a different environment. I think its because they tried to control us, and now see that tactic has failed miserably. We are left stuck on the fence between their world and our own, foot down in neither.

[*Beth*]

As far as I can tell, all of life is quite mad!

[RoxanneToto]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah but how do you feel attached to people you find pathetic and who yet hurt you? I hate to admit it, but my two h's were the lowest of the low, in many ways. Just as my parents were. I often hear on television people (on scripted shows, not reality tv!) saying, "oh i was raised to help someone in need" etc. Really? My parents didnt teach me any such standards. It was trick someone else before they trick you. If someone says they need help they are tricking you.

I have had that feeling of seeing my mother as a stranger in a different environment. I think its because they tried to control us, and now see that tactic has failed miserably. We are left stuck on the fence between their world and our own, foot down in neither.

Thanks for this, you raise some interesting points. I don’t feel attached to my dad, but that doesn’t really bother me. I’ve kept him at arm’s length as much as possible for a long time now, for various reasons.
I get what you’re saying about the attempts to control, too. I think in her case, it tended to be more subtle and intermittent than my dad’s control over her was, but it was there. I think she tried to be a good mother, but the circumstances were difficult for all of us.