[Rive1976]

Ever since I was 5 I have had sexual attractions to female mother figures. I am in my 40s and this still happens. I am female as well and I know that if I had that relationship it would change the dynamic and the attraction would go away. Not to mention I dont even like vaginas. I also since around 6 have had horrible sexual anxiety. Any topics of a sexual nature had me hysterical. I also developed innapropriate sexual impulses. I never had fantasies or thoughts like if I do this I will feel xyz. The impulses just arise when Im triggered by someone. I dont want them but I really feel the need to act on them. I literally fight not to act on them. Like my hand will go to commit the action and I will jerk my hand back not to act. Or hold it down. It feels like an invasion of an unknown source and me fighting to stop it. I literally have no memory of why these things started to happen. How do you heal if you don't know the source. Also what the heck is going on with me?