Feeling victimised by men

Honestly I thought the wound would stop hurting but like I don't think it ever will. When I was 17 I sent nudes to this guy and his friends saw it. I was degraded. I trusted wrong friends told them my trauma of being hit on by an uncle at 14 they told the school. As a result I'd have guys make fun of me say "I'd never be the same" try and grab my body. I just hurt I really do I'm sick of feeling degraded I'm sick of being abused by assholes. Most importantly I'm sick of blaming myself for trusting the wrong people. I think my problem is I hold in my feelings to long and I just blurt it out. The truth is some wounds never stop hurting. Now I don't care what people think but there's really awful people that get off on hurting people. Some Facebook chats are real disgusting this lady that I don't even know just keeps saying I'm ugly and asking people and they say I'm ugly and retarded. I don't care what they think to be honest because it's not my body that matters to me. I've learnt to live with myself long enough that I don't care that I'm fat. I know it's bad for my health but I don't care. Then I had this guy I knew from high school say "what you say if I raped you". Then he said we were soulmates and he loved me. I just I don't know I feel sad I feel taken advantage of. Most importantly I don't trust a soul, the people who truly love me are my family. My sister understands that I'm traumatized and that I have anxiety because of the life I have when it comes to people no body has compassion for me. Maybe the school does but hey I'm meant to go to work and study, just pretend I don't have an illness that impairs me nobody helps me. The government doesn't care.

Sexting (sending texts of nudes or other sexual things) is thought to be banned from underage institutions like at school, even when you're not in school. But not having protective parents, or experiencing childhood sexual abuse beforehand, may predispose you to being revictimized again. That's at least what the victimology research states. It doesn't mean that it's your fault or that you're doomed. It does mean that you should be in psychotherapy to help you heal from your past traumas, including the trauma of being sexually harassed and sexually bullied in school and by others.

From an overall perspective, not all men are like that. But it gets harder and harder for a child sex abuse victim to realize that - even into adulthood, and especially during early adulthood. Therapy helps with that, and helps us learn boundaries, warning signs, safe-versus-unsafe people, etc.

From a feminist perspective, being "feminine" (regardless of how you identify - nonbinary or binary) tends to be the subject of victimization from those who are trying to be more "masculine" (again, regardless of how the offenders identify - binary or nonbinary). It's sad when more "feminine traits" tend to get overpowered by "masculine traits," and how such gender-based stereotypes have played into our everyday lives. For that, I can see why you feel frustrated, scared, angry, and traumatized, and how trust issues can resurface with any new encounter from a masculine-like person (regardless of binary or nonbinary status).

From a cisgendered feminist perspective, being female makes it harder for us to trust males. It's again a gender-role issue, even though not all males will harm females or try to overpower them. But statistically, females are largely victimized by males. I can see why you are struggling this way.

Still, our healing in psychotherapy entails not looking at hasty generalizations to base our decisions and our trust, and to also not fall into the cognitive distortion trap of black-and-white thinking/all-or-nothing thinking, whereby you think that all men or all ____ are _____. That's certainly not true or even fair to men or whatever group you are basing those hasty generalizations on. But statistically, we females do tend to get victimized more often by males for some reason - in the workplace, growing up, in school, in the neighborhood, in the military, etc. It's sad how much we have to be cognizant about who to trust and who not to trust.

Still, there's hope with good therapy and a balance between validating your feelings and healing your cognitive distortions brought about by our past and even present traumatic experiences.

The thing is, you can ask for your nude photo to be deleted and retracted from websites and people's private phones, and you can also file a complaint of some sort, even if you were the one who initially sent that when you were 17.

We all make mistakes from time to time, but it's also because sometimes our mistakes stem from inadequate parenting and/or neglect and/or abuse of some kind. Still, we can learn and grow from our mistakes. And just because you sent that to one person, it doesn't mean that you deserved to be treated in bad ways, or for you to be sexually harassed. It's not right, and there should be some protections for you, but you have to figure out what protections are offered in your area.

A psychotherapist could help you with that, and a social worker could help you even more with that.

Also, if you are on websites or social media sites that are spreading your picture around, you can ask them to take that down, and you can also leave that social media site. You can set boundaries for yourself and reinvent who you are so that you are not out there for others to scrutinize.

Sometimes us victims will share more than we should, and such behaviors are part of the post-trauma responses - esp. when you've dealt with childhood abuse. A therapist or social worker can help you with that.

Are you in psychotherapy? If so, you should discuss this with your therapist.

I hope you feel better, and I hope you can reach out to safe people to give you better guidance and safer support. I'm so sorry that you were victimized over and over again.

I am in therapy but I find it hard to talk about the sexual trauma. Especially the stuff my uncle said to me at 14 I've talked to friends about it. It still hurt that my mother wasn't on my side back then I remember her saying she'd kick me out if I reported it to the police. It just made me feel deflated and worthless. Invisible like I just feel used by everyone. I don't think I attract men that respect me and honestly at this point I don't really care I just go on with my life. Keep them at a distance because I just feel relationships are to complicated and just cause problems. I guess it's my belief system is wrong. How do I teach myself what is love and respect? When I've never seen it in my own family. In fact if I was to say it I'd probably say there mostly bad people except for the ones in Madeira. Just you know it hurts that the anger that should have been reserved for my uncle was placed on me. To be honest I still burn with fury at mum for it in some ways. I just don't understand how she can just pretend like it never happened and still do things for him. I know there's no point bringing it up as I go no where. I just wish that people respected me and treated me well. I wish men in my family respected. I wish I wasnt addicted to my phone and kept people at arm's length I wish that. Just eh

Quote:

Originally Posted by black-roses Honestly I thought the wound would stop hurting but like I don't think it ever will. When I was 17 I sent nudes to this guy and his friends saw it. I was degraded. I trusted wrong friends told them my trauma of being hit on by an uncle at 14 they told the school. As a result I'd have guys make fun of me say "I'd never be the same" try and grab my body. I just hurt I really do I'm sick of feeling degraded I'm sick of being abused by assholes. Most importantly I'm sick of blaming myself for trusting the wrong people. I think my problem is I hold in my feelings to long and I just blurt it out. The truth is some wounds never stop hurting. Now I don't care what people think but there's really awful people that get off on hurting people. Some Facebook chats are real disgusting this lady that I don't even know just keeps saying I'm ugly and asking people and they say I'm ugly and retarded. I don't care what they think to be honest because it's not my body that matters to me. I've learnt to live with myself long enough that I don't care that I'm fat. I know it's bad for my health but I don't care. Then I had this guy I knew from high school say "what you say if I raped you". Then he said we were soulmates and he loved me. I just I don't know I feel sad I feel taken advantage of. Most importantly I don't trust a soul, the people who truly love me are my family. My sister understands that I'm traumatized and that I have anxiety because of the life I have when it comes to people no body has compassion for me. Maybe the school does but hey I'm meant to go to work and study, just pretend I don't have an illness that impairs me nobody helps me. The government doesn't care.

How long ago was the groping and all that stuff ? Are you in the USA ?

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Good questions, @sarahsweets

This response is common. There are some self-help books and other trauma books that might help you understand what you're going through, and the backlash that is all too common. Dr. Judith Herman published a book that discusses why society tends to side with the perpetrator: Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. She also discusses trauma. It might help, but there are parts that might be triggering. It's best to read this with the help of a therapist.

Also, in victimology (a subdivision of criminal justice), there's this phenomenon called "secondary victimization." It's still a direct form of trauma (not to be confused with "secondary trauma," which is a more indirect form of trauma). Secondary victimization occurs when people such as therapists, parents, and law enforcement disbelieve or interrogate or victim-shame victims.

Here are some links describing secondary victimizaton:
1. Secondary Victimization of Rape Victims.

2. Secondary Victimization of Crime Victims by Criminal Proceedings | Office of Justice Programs

3. secondary victimisation | European Institute for Gender Equality

4. Secondary victimization Definition | Law Insider

5. https://www.stopvaw.org/secondary_victimization

6. https://law.lclark.edu/centers/natio...victimization/

7. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10606433/

8. https://www.researchgate.net/publica...al_Proceedings

First, a therapist will help you to learn that which your parents failed to teach you. They will also help you to concurrently heal from your traumas, learn coping skills, and learn to deal with interpersonal relationships (including with men, dating, parents, childhood sexual abuse, etc.). Your therapist will help you through the black-and-white/all-or-nothing/the-world-is-unsafe/men-are-unsafe thoughts; they are generalizations from our traumas that we learned and our brains (limbic systems) learned. But we can overcome this and learn to live life again with hope, relationships, and living a good life. You can improve, but you need therapists to help you. Therapists are professionals who know what stage you are at in the healing process, and what journey or path you should take to improve.

All the post-trauma reactions and thoughts you are expressing are normal, given all the trauma you've been through. You will have many emotions related to the trauma and people involved, even indirect people who should have been there for you, such as your mum.

If you are struggling with any addictions, which is common among trauma survivors BTW, a trauma specialist can help you with such therapy. You should look for only trauma specialists and request them if speaking with a psychiatrist, a primary care doctor, or an intake specialist/interviewer.

If you are in the U.S., there are many resources online that you can find. It may be challenging to find a new therapist during the holidays, but not impossible.

If you are NOT in the U.S., you might still be able to find a therapist that can see you online or in person or by phone, depending on how your country's healthcare operates. I'm only familiar with the U.S.

If you reach out for help in your country for assistance with being sexually abused, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, neglected as a child/teen, etc., you might find more resources that can assist you, even if you are an adult now.

If you are 17 and considered a "minor" or "underage" in your country, there might be many resources to help you with all that you mentioned.

If you are 18 and above or are 17 and considered an "adult," there still might be resources to help you with your past experiences of child abuse and neglect issues. You can ask for confidentiality, and you can read what the laws are in your area/country about confidentiality, so that you know what you share won't come back to your mom or others.

If you want to live in a safer space but still have a relationship with your mom, that is still possible, too. Your mom should not threaten you with kicking you out of the house if you told. That's abusive and neglectful, if that's what she threatens. However, if that's not what she said but rather what you assume she would say, that's an entirely different scenario. The best thing you could do is seek help from a neutral, safe, and confidential party, such as a hotline or a therapist. If you can afford therapy or if your healthcare insurance/universal healthcare plan allows, I would choose that route. There might also be support groups online that can help you.

Like Sarahsweets asked, what country are you in? Maybe we can help find some resources in your area and share them here.

I believe the OP is in Australia (that's what it says by her name).

Also @black-roses you have every right to be angry at your mum for siding with your uncle. I would be furious if that had happened to me.

I agree that therapy can help. I am glad you have told some people at least. A secret like that can be a heavy burden to carry. You're probably feeling shame even though it was in no way your fault.

When you say you don't want a relationship, I do think that is probably best for now. You need some time and help to heal from trauma and to learn the red flags in order to avoid dating abusive men. Sounds like because you grew up with no positive male role models, it is hard for you to tell the difference between good men and bad ones (which is only natural).

with @downandlonely

I am in Western Australia, I have being looking forr an EMDR therapist because I have PTSD. My sister was the only that was furious as my father was furious when he found out what my uncle said 11 years ago. I'm now 25 it was something that was seemingly was put at the back of my mind until I was chatting with friends on the internet and the discussion of people who had there nudes leaked came up in the chat. That got me talking about what happened to me and what my mother said to me all those years ago. What she said about threatening to kick me out was true and I as a result never did go to the police. Not that they be much help anyway. I also notice I tend to attract controlling men. I had a stalker this year and he once when I hanged out with him he rubbed my foot against my clothes. He would follow me around the shop. In the end I told him not to contact me or my family or I'd go to the police after months of making new accounts and sexually harassing me. It's not my fault that these men do this to me but seemingly I do get blamed by mum. My sister doesn't think it was my fault and I should of went to the police ages ago because well he's dangerous. However because of previous bad experiences with the police I decided not too. I still see him at the shops. He went up to my mum and said that this lady wanted to kill me and her. I just thought he was crazy and I feel pretty okay now. I'm just glad that at least my sister and my dad cared about it even if my mother seemingly blames me everytime a man treats me bad. I don't know why she thinks that way but hey.

@black-roses - here's some information pertinent to Australia victims of sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, and cybercrimes:

- SOURCE: Adult survivors of sexual abuse - getting help and seeking justice | Family & Community Services

Victims' Services in Australia: Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse in Australia

Community Legal Centre in Australia

NSW Health Sexual Assault Services

Blue Knot Foundation

Aboriginal Medical Service in Australia

Childhood sexual abuse in NSW & Australia

**Age of Consent Laws in Australia:

****

Source: Adult survivors of sexual abuse - getting help and seeking justice | Family & Community Services

Source: Adult survivors of sexual abuse - getting help and seeking justice | Family & Community Services

Australia - Reach Out Australia - Kids Helpline Australia - 1800Respect Youth Law Australia In your country, however, ages above 16 can consent. However, you could still file a police report for criminal sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. You could also probably have legally found a new place to live and leave your neglectful and abusive mum, but that would require support from agencies that deal with sexual assault victims such as yourself.

Cybercrimes are also an issue when your nude photos are circulating on the internet.

Cybercrimes in Australia

ReportCyber in Australia (use this link to report your nude photos being circulated)

Here is the link for you to report cybercrimes for individuals in Australia.

Note: it is common for victims to NOT report the following types of interpersonal crimes: sexual assault, cybercrimes revealing nude or sexual pictures or videos, harassment, domestic violence, child maltreatment of any kind, and intimate partner violence. Typically, the victim knows their abuser, offender, perpetrator, and they are coerced into silence with threats. When the offender/perpetrator is a family member and/or friend of the family, it makes it all the more challenging to report. You fear for your life, are told to keep such harms against you a secret, are silenced, are blamed (victim-blamed/victim-shamed/gaslit), are disbelieved by other persons of power (particularly, those who are older than you are, since they tend to believe the parents over and against the children; which promotes more parental rights than children's rights) - a form of secondary victimization, and are retraumatized over and over again (which is a form of continuous traumatic stress so long as you continue to live in the environment, including cyberenvironment, that reminds you daily of your threats, abuses, etc.). You may be dealing with both post-traumatic stress disorder (post = after) as well as continuous traumatic stress disorder (continuous traumatic threats against your life, including cybercrimes, imminent threats, etc.). You should be in treatment for both, and a competent therapist should be able to understand both PTSD and CTSD. EMDR can help, but so can the first stages of treatment, which includes getting you away from the traumatizing environment and establishing safety. That's the first step. The second step to healing is offering you coping skills and interpersonal relationship skills, so that you can learn how to deal with your trauma triggers, flashbacks, nightmares, and issues at your stage of development when wanting to date and be independent but making all the wrong choices for relationships and/or safety and/or self-care. You never learned how to say no appropriately or see proper warning signs and red flags because your parents never taught you that. That, too, is child maltreatment. So, you need therapy to help you with that so that you don't make mistakes of willfully giving away too much information too soon, or sharing nude photos and/or videos of yourself, etc. Your parents never taught you self-respect, so you naturally didn't realize that the wrong influences could get you caught up in being victimized by the black market that sells sexual photos and videos while ruining your reputation and retraumatizing you over and over again. Therapy can help you rebuild your life so that you can make wiser choices.

Once you establish the first two phases, then you can begin working on trauma processing, including the memories that often resurface. Unfortunately, if you try to work on that too soon, you could retraumatize yourself or stunt the progress and foundations that you need for safety and adequate interpersonal relationships.

It's not that you can't have a significant other right now; relationships are important for avoiding the detrimental health effects and sequelae of loneliness! But you need to learn how to make wiser, safer choices and avoid the red flags and dangerous people. If you don't have that information, which you can learn quite easily and fast, you can't possibly move forward in a safe and healing way.

Once you are able to complete safety and stabilization, and then get into the trauma processing work with EMDR, then you will eventually get to the healing stage of reintegration back into society and finding your purpose and career, now that you have established a new, healed self. But healing is dynamic, and although we learn to manage our disorders, some are either resistant and/or have more difficulty due to their minority status, ongoing traumatic environments, etc. This is why establishing safety and stability first - by removing you from unsafe family members, past abusers , and then placing you in a more safer environment where you can be free and safe to learn new coping and interpersonal effectiveness skills - will help you heal from trauma and reintegrate fully back into society (at least as a higher functioning person than you are right now). If you try to quick-step these processes, you will find yourself constantly circling around with trauma triggers and never truly moving forward. (I made that mistake, which is also common among polyvictims and those who have experienced both child maltreatment and early adulthood victimizations).

There are options and resources for you in Australia. I listed a few in my response above. Good luck, and be well!

I got counselling scheduled for next year. I don't really want to mention what happened about with my uncle.. I'm not really a sexual assault victim as I wasnt raped. I think that for me to take the space of real rape victims would be wrong. Even if my uncle said those sick things he never touched me. I also don't have a relationship at all with him or that side of the family. There are only a handful of people that I do get along with. I live with my mother it's okay now. I wouldn't say that she is necessarily abusive anymore. She wants me to move and have my own life..I don't have the funds to leave anyway. Also that hostel life I had years ago isn't the life I want to live either. I just rather forget that improve my condition so I can work. Home is not unsafe at all I live comfortably. I don't intend to report anything wouldn't give me any closure anyway. Also those messages were deleted the year I first saw it. I'm okay with what happened to me and I don't intend to ever bring it up again. Thanks for the numbers I'll call them as depression and sadness has been hard.

I hope the counseling will help.

Even if you were not physically touched, what your uncle said to you seems to have affected you emotionally. It may not be something you're ready to talk about now, but people I know who have been through similar things told me it was easier to move on after talking these things through rather than pretending they never happened.