[Lylli]

They say "what dont kill you can only make you stronger"

well...I am still alive and I am not feeling very strong...AT all.

I am so sick of being a Victim to things that happened to me in my past.
Today I seriously lack responsibility.
I don't know if it is because I dwell on my past and allow it to make me so depressed that I just cant function anymore or if I am just too lazy.

My marriage failed, I lost my house, I lost all of my friends and most of my family has died and now I have lost my job.
I need medical attention that i just don't make appointments for.
I do not manage my money very well and well i could go on and on about what a disaster my life has become.

Time is crucial to me now because My daughter is now 15 years old and I see her walking the same path.

My story starts when i was a child.

My father would come home after drinking and be mean to my brothers and my mom..I remember nights when he would hit them or break things in the house...that all stopped after he had a heart attack and stopped drinking.

My brothers (3) are 8,10 & 12 years older than me.

one of them and 2 of their friends used to molest me and none of them knew that the others were doing it to me.
I was so relieved when the brother who was molesting me enlisted in the military and left home.

when I was 21 my dad died and my mother died when I was 25...that was very hard on me because I loved her so much...she was the only support I think I ever had.

No I never told my parents about being molested so they never knew that happened to me.
I don't think my mom could have handled it. and I think my dad might have killed my brother and their friends.

when i was 26 I was married to my boyfriend who I had been living with for 4 years ...we had our daughter when I was 27.
we seprated 1 day short of our 13 anniversary because I caught him cheating on me with a much older woman.

My ex was emotially and verbally abusive to me...more so emotionally.
but I was not easy to be with...I wasn't doing things a wife should do like being a great mom and keeping his cloths clean and the house clean...I was bad with money and took us into a bit of debt...but he also spent more money on things he shouldn't have also.

I had gained weight in which I have struggled with weight issues ever since I was a kid...funny how it seems like I packed on the pounds around the time I was molested as a child.
I became a emotional eater.

I really don't blame him for cheating because I was not longer having sex with him...he made me feel so ashamed of myself that I didn't want him to touch me.

so we seperated and then divorced
at 1st being away from him was great...i felt so strong at that time...I got a new job making more money and had a good retirement plan I was lossing weight i was feeling happy FINALLY I felt like I WAS IN CONTROL!

I got a new job and thats where i lost control again...the people there were not as nice as where I was working...suddenly I was surrounded by a bunch of gossiping upidy *****es who were not very nice to me...where I was working I was friends with my co-workers and I felt alllot of support from them.

I hated my new job and I felt stuck.

My brother the one who is 10 years older than me and also the one who molested me as a child was having some trouble.
he and I spoke often on the phone...and no we never discussed what happened in our youth....i guess it was just to embarrassing and i now realize he was a kid (teen) too when that happened.
I think he had tried to make amends for it because he was always giving me money or concert tickets and stuff in later years.

well he was injured at work and required surgery but they stopped his workman's comp in which he was going to court over when his wife decided to cheat on him and leave him...he won custody of their 5 year old son who was his life...because he had no money and needed the surgery right away so he could get back to working he was forced to take the settlement that his former employer offered which meant he lost his job...he got the surgery and went through the rehab in which he paid for out of his settlement and was ready to get a job...but nobody would hire him...his money was running out and he was getting shut off notices and eviction notices...then his ex wife made the final blow by filing to take him back to court to take hi little boy away.

he tried to call me one day and i saw on my caller ID it was him but at that time i just didn't think i could handle what was going on in his life...i didnt want the responsibility and told myself I would call him later...later never came...A week later he was found dead...he had sent his son to spend a week with his mother and put a black powder rifle in his mouth and ended his life..He laid there for 5-6 days in August of 2006 before his body was discovered.

needless to say this overwhelming guilt that I turned away from him when he needed me has haunted me ever since and I have just been spiraling down ever since

I feel like I have lost everyone even my friends don't have much to do with me...nobody wants to be bothered with such a unhappy person.

I feel so lost and so alone and I don't even know how to begin to help myself.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Lylli)))))))))))))

Welcome to PC. I believe you will find a lot of support and understanding here.

I'm so sorry for what you've endured. I understand the guilt of feeling like you weren't there for your brother, but people make their own choices. It wasn't your fault.

Do you have a therapist that you can go to, to help you through all of this?

Please take good care.

[ECHOES]

Lylli,

My goodness what a lot you have been through in your life. I am so sorry for your losses and painful times.

Please do the best thing for yourself and your daughter that you can by finding a psychotherapist to work with and help you. You don't have to be alone with all this any more.

And we are here for you too

[Perna]

Lylli, what a hard life you've had so far! Welcome to PsychCentral (PC), we are a lot of nice people with stories and pieces of stories similar to yours. I hope you can find some comfort, friends, and ideas to help you as you work to help yourself.

[chalmette70043]

((((((((Lylli)))))))))) I really dont know what to say here. I havent been in your shoes per say. But , i 've had my own crap go on. Maybe get with your doctor and talk to him/her. If no doctor, see about a local health clinic. Thats the path i'm taking. After a year, i feel like i'm finally starting to feel better.

Therapy is another good thing. Just talking to a counsler about your stuff. Its hard to do. I'm still learning the ropes to that, but its helping.

I wish you the best of luck and send you hugs. To you and your daughter.

hugs,
chalmette

[splitimage]

(((Lylli)))

I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much in your life. It can be overwhelming dealing with past issues and present hurts. I'm so sorry about your brother, and can see why you'd feel guilt. But remember we all make our own choices. If you're not already seeing someone, I'd highly recommend a therapist. They can be very helpful both in dealing with past experiences and in making daily changes in our lives that our better for us.

In the meantime, welcome to PC. Hope you find us supportive & helpful.

--splitimage

[youOme]

(((Lylli)))

Welcome to PC.

Sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. The past is haunting you. There comes a point in everybody's life when it's time to let go of that past pain and move on strongly, it takes people some time especially when they've done it before and had fallen back into the pits. Everybody here at PC is somewhere along these lines and understand the pain you're experiencing...we're here for you anytime you want to talk.

[BalishBun]

you have quite a life story. You have been through more than anyone could bear, I give you kudos for still being here today. What an emotional rollercoaster. Your right, sometimes you do have to wonder about the saying "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger". Sure I use that line when I drop food on the floor and eat it, but as far as emotional things sometimes that saying makes no sense at all. (hugs!)