When you just don't care (throwing my education away)

This could TRIGGER because it mentions sex, the sex industry, passively suicidal thoughts, feeling worthless, and such. I don't know if it will bother anyone, but I don't want to take chances.

This is something I feel I can admit here, if nowhere else. I have blunted emotions, sometimes, and I also lack motivation. Also, to some degree I don't care about myself or my life. It seems horrible to say you don't care, but can I help that I don't care? Maybe, maybe not. I'm unsure. Honestly, I think that I do care, but I just don't care enough. I don't care enough if I fail classes or if I ever graduate school. I have been in and out of school too many times to count and could have been graduating as a doctor by now if I'd tried. I've been signed up to college for so long it's embarassing. However, I keep dropping out, dropping back in, not showing up to classes, not trying my best on my work (or at all), sometimes not doing work nor handing it in. I drop classes left and right and sometimes drop out and don't even bother to withdraw. I've been on probation before, am on it again and running out of financial aid because I've taken and wasted so many hours, and I'm currently back on probation. If I mess up this semester, I'll prob. never get financial assistance again, yet I'm throwing it all away. I've barely went to any classes, have turned in absolutely no homework, etc. I don't even know why. I tell myself I don't care and for the most part feel as though I don't care, but on some level, I KNOW that I DO care.

I know that I care because going to class makes my IBS kick in when I feel like I'm doing poorly in school, and even if I know I'm skipping that day and don't have to face anything. It's as if I am stressed about messing up and my body is reacting to it. I also know that I care because I have stressful dreams about messing up in class even when I'm not enrolled in classes. I recently had one in whch an ex teacher, whom I liked, caught me skipping classes. He then seemed to insinuate that I was incapable of making good grades and lacked the mental competancy. I tried to point out that I HAD made good grades before and was capable of doing so, but I just didn't try, but he refused to look at the good scores on my transcript. I ended up getting so upset, feeling he was insinuating I was stupid, that I started yelling at him that I wasn't stupid, over and over again. I wasn't stupid, I just didn't try. After awhile, I got so enraged, I punched him in the face. In real life my GPA is attrocious, but I am capable of better. I feel stupid in one way, but yet, I realize I can do much better than I do, so why don't I? I procrastinate even when I enjoy doing something and when I know it will bring serious consequences if I don't. Why don't I try? I don't understand.

Sometimes I think it is because I've always had someone to give me everything. My mother has supported me my whole life and we're not rich, but we've never really been poor since I was born, either. Mom and dad were poor growing up, but not since they had me. Dad left, but mom's always went above and beyond when it came to taking care of me. Maybe I don't worry much about school because even though consciously I know I need to graduate and get a job, subconsciously I expect someone to always be here or maybe I just realize they won't be here, but I can't fully comprehend it because I have never experienced it. Yet, this can't be all of it. Even if I was filthy rich and knew I would always have that money, I hate for people to think I'm incompitant and ignorant, yet I continuously do things (mess up my education, get terrible grades) to make it appear as though I am. Also, I really would like a nice job, to be successful, and I want to learn and to expand my knowledge and abilities. Yet, I don't try. Also, I feel guilty and childish, ashamed and worthless, so why don't I try to change it? Also, I hate fighting with my mother when I mess up. It is stressful and I don't want to deal with that. Plus, I'm losing friendships by not being in class and I rarely make friends, anyway. I should cherish such an opportunity. Right now, I'm missing classes with a guy I really want to be friends with and throwing that away in the process, most likely.

Yet, in a way, I just don't care. Consciously, while awake, often times I feel little or no emotion about skipping a class even if they're having a test, not turning in homework, and basically tossing my whole life down the drain. However, last semester, when I started to mess up and thought it wasn't slavageable, I did take a nervous crying spell. Most of the time, though, I'm just blah about the whole affair. I think I expect to fail, so I don't try. I've come up with millions of reasons, but it is just so illogical. I can't understand myself. I mean, you would thionk if I'd found out what was behind it, I'd overcome it, but despite feeling I understand it better than ever, I'm worse than ever this semester in behaviour. Usually I start the semester out well, and end it badly, but this semester, I have done attrocious the whole way through except for about a week. Worse still, I have done so in EVERY class. Most semesters, I do good in one, anyway, at least for awhile.

I have many reasons that I think contribute to this issue, BUT in the end, I don't understand why I can't just overcome them now that I know they exist. My behaviour is so illogical that at this point all I can come up with to explain it, is that on top of all the other little reasons- to some degree, I just plain out don't care. I'm apathetic. I don't care. I don't care half the time if I get sick. Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if I died, but then another part of me is afraid. Also, there is that part of me that wants to live and have a good life. But part of me thinks I don't care. I don't care to get naked for money. I'd sell my body for enough money. I hope it is okay to post that. I know we aren't supposed to say too much about illegal activities, nor condone them, but since this is a mental health board I will assume there is a small degree of such talk accepted and expect. For instance, you can't talk about drug addiction without mentioning an illegal activity. However, I have never actually sold my body and no, I do not recommend it. So, I think it should be acceptable to admit I've thought about it. If it isn't, I apologize- just delete this part. Anyway, sometimes I think about selling it to get money to alter it surgically, so I can go into the legal sex industry and make money because right now, that's about my highest aspiration in life. Well, I have others, but let's face it, I'll never achieve them and I'll be lucky to achieve this. I don't care about bills, which I have stacked through the roof. I don't care about myself or my life. But I do care, don't I? I must care about school for instance because I'm having these dreams and IBS acting up when I come near school, etc. I don't understand. Do I care or not? What is this?

Hi, Locust, wecome to PsychCentral. I have a 40 year old stepson, happily married, wonderful house and job, with 2 beautiful children and I saw him in your post. I saw myself too; I did graduate, even from college in 1972 but it wasn't until 1991 that I made my first "A" in all my years of schooling (I was 41 in 1991 and I continued in night school after I graduated college, taking courses that "interested" me, didn't even have the pressure of having to do well but I dropped out, didn't go to finals (when getting an A up until finals) and all sorts of other such actions).

First off, if you "blow it" now, it's not all over! You can go back later, you can get scholarships, etc. You are not a failure, school just isn't your thing right now. That's okay. Go get a job and/or do something else for awhile that you want to do. If you don't know what you want to do, go out and try to discover what it could be. I was really helped by a zillion years of therapy. Having to deal with someone not related to me or part of my past, etc. helped me to put myself and "my" world in better perspective. I was working hard to not do what my stepmother wanted me to. The only way I could "identify" myself was by "defying" her, pushing against someone.

My stepson spent the money his parents gave him for college for other things and didn't tell them he'd dropped out of classes :-) He was quite "capable" but he was trying to become like his father (my opinion) and that wasn't his route. He had a rough 10 years but my husband helped him learn how to be responsible for his money (he was bouncing checks and was wanted by the police in three states for unpaid speeding tickets :-) and think about what he wanted to do and why, etc. and eventually he met his wife and her support helped him too. I was helped by meeting my husband, his father, in a similar way 20 years ago.

But pick something, anything, that you want and start after it to see what you can learn about yourself and the world. Maybe find a therapist and get a job to pay those bills (I had to pay for my braces when I was 30, since I was an adult and not a 14 year old kid anymore, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me so far) but don't worry if you still have to live at home or whatever while you're trying some new things. Eventually you'll start building on your experience and understand yourself better and then, if you're interested, you can start back to school. There's all sorts of good, accredited universities online, you don't even have to attend. I got a second BA (with a 4.0 in my field) from the University of Maryland University College http://www.umuc.edu for example, just this past May and I'm 57 now.

If you're in a will struggle with yourself and parents or school or a job or anything, do whatever you have to to get out of there and learn how you got into the pickle in the first place so you can understand yourself and such pickles to avoid them later. It's all about experience. It sounds to me like you've had plenty of experience with "school" at the moment and are banging your head up against it and only hurting your own head. Give it a rest and try something else and get some therapy so you can learn how to do things so you don't hurt your own head.

Thanks for the reply, Perna. It's nice to have someone respond that can relate or knows someone that can relate, and to actually hear that there is hope for improvement. Sometimes, I feel hopeless. I mean, I feel like my problems in this area are mostly my fault- even if I can't help what drives me to it, I can resist that urge and do better. Yet, I feel hopeless because it seems no matter what my original intentions and desires, I always end up back here, throwing it away again. I'm afraid this time I've thrown it away one time too many.

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....I continued in night school after I graduated college, taking courses that "interested" me, didn't even have the pressure of having to do well but I dropped out, didn't go to finals (when getting an A up until finals) and all sorts of other such actions).

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<- I can definitelty relate to that. Like you, I have also skipped finals even when I've had an A up to that point. I've done it at least twice. Also, I take courses that interest me, too, and I still don't try. I can't understand it. Actually, I think that is part of the reason I didn't try this semester. You see, the class I wanted to take more than anything (Creative writing) wasn't full, and after having wanted to take it for years and always being unable to, I signed up. Then, I ended up misunderstanding the date something was supposed to be turned in and got behind. After that, I think I got discouraged because I'd fallen behind so quickly, everyone else's work was so superior (everyone shares with the entire class), I didn't try as much, fell further behind, and well.....when I messed that class up, I just didn't care as much about school in general this semester.

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You can go back later, you can get scholarships, etc.

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Unfortunately, I'm not sure what I can get a scholarship on. I'm not athletic, at all, and thanks to my past behavior, my GPA is worthless.

I am currently seeing a therapist, but I am unemployed. I agree with you tha a job would do me good, but the thought of paying back those bills actually discourages me. I know it sounds irresponsible and selfish- maybe it is- but it's just that my medical bills are so HIGH. I don't have a house or a car, and while other people are buying land, homes, and vehicles, I'll be paying this off. I owe nearly $30,000 in medical bills, and that is after one hospital did away with what I owed them. It will take me forever to pay it off, especially on a minimum wage salary which will be about all I'll be making without a college degree. It's hard enough to get by on minimum wage, let alone get by on it and pay off $30,000 in med. bills. Then, after its all done I'll be sitting there with no house, a crappy car, and no land because all of my money went in to those bills.

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I had to pay for my braces when I was 30, since I was an adult and not a 14 year old kid anymore, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me so far

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> <- I'll agree with you that it would do me some good if I were forced to work for some reason. I really should try to get a job.

You mentioned I should explore other avenues and return to school. Right now I've been getting more involved with social organizations. Actually, right now I'm working with an organization that works on many issues- discrimination/equal rights, financial assistance for the poor, and environmental issues. It's new for me and I care about many of the issues they're concerned about, plus some of the people are really interesting and nice. Also, I want to work more with creative writing, because ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. However, I just don't feel like I'm good enough.

Right now, I think part of my problem is that I don't think I'll ever have what I want out of life. When I was a kid, I had several goals. Some of the big ones were as follows:

1. Get saved. I was raised by a fairly conservative Christian family- don't worry, it didn't make me judgemental and I don't care if you or anyone else here is Christian or not- so I was worried about hell.

2. To be a writer.

3. The obvious- a car and a house....and some land.

4. To fall in love and get married- I wasn't so sure about babies, though.

5. To help make a positive difference in the world.

6. To learn to scuba dive.

Besides that I had some more goals, but those were some of the major ones. Today, it isn't looking good. Sure, I can still get a scuba diving certificate. I'm not making much progress on the car, land and home, but I guess I can pull it off if I actually TRY. Five is looking iffy. I want to make a positive difference, but more often than not I feel I bring more bad than good into the world. I'm hoping to change that. However, 1, 2, and 4 aren't looking good. I don't want to get into religion because it bothers so many people, but I'll just say I have no idea what will happen to me when I die, and I'm afraid to find out. I don't know if that will ever change, either. I don't think I'm talented enough to be a writer. And, as for love- well, me and love are over, but that is an issue for another post. I just honestly believe with all sincerity, that I will die alone. I feel so empty and lonely right now, and I don't think I'll ever get what I want out of life, so I suppose I don't see the point in trying at all sometimes. However, I know this is not the only cause behind my behavior because I've been doing this in school ever since.....well, let's see..... middle school...maybe grade school. I wasn't this way until at least 4th grade and it wasn't bad till 5th, 6th, or 7th. Not sure which. Prob. 6th or 7th.

Anyway, I appreciate your positive and understanding response. Congrats on being with your husband for 20 yrs and on your 4.0, by the way! That's great. I'm glad you and your stepson worked things out for yourselves and I hope I can, too. Somedays, it doesn't look like it's going to happen, but it is nice to see someone who has been there and gotten through it just fine.

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Locust said:
Then, after its all done I'll be sitting there with no house, a crappy car, and no land because all of my money went in to those bills.

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But what do you have now? You can't get anywhere unless you start; you can't become a writer unless you write. It takes (I've heard) 10 years to become a writer, has a 10 year apprenticeship.

I'm reading Chapter After Chapter by Heather Sellers and trying to write my first book now. It's some of the hardest work I've done in at least 20 years (and I, like you, have been wanting to write for that long). Much harder than teaching myself to finish my homework in Accounting in 1989 (got a "B" in that first accounting class because I missed 1 too many classes and so wasn't there to turn in homework which counted a few points; I only got a B instead of an A by 9 points).

You have to get to know yourself by doing. You succeed at any one thing then build on that. Get your scuba certificate! From there you can work on the next thing. What else are you doing? The scuba certificate will also be a certificate that says you can try and succeed at something. It will be a tangible piece of evidence that you can get what you want.

When you are older and have a job, school is much different. Athletics and all that extra stuff doesn't have anything to do with it; there are a zillion ways to finance education or whatever you want:

http://www.umuc.edu/paymentoptions/

Why would you have to pay your past medical bills? What is happening to them now? Who else is going to pay them? I lived on my own, hand-to-mouth, until I was 35 and married. If I'd known then :-) what I know now, it wouldn't have been quite so difficult I don't think. I don't know that I would have changed my behaviors but I might have sought out and gotten more help.

The people "out there" are the ones that will be the most help. People you haven't met yet, haven't come in contact with but can only come in contact with them if you go "out there". I never understood the idiot line my stepmother use to give me about "men for you to date aren't going to come and beat down your door!" I knew that but I didn't understand it truly! You say you are working with an agency with nice people, etc. get to know some of them better. Somebody knows somebody that can help you. You can find mentors and people who know how to get things done in fields you might be interested in.

One of my favorite books of all time, that helped me enormously was Louis L'Amour, the Western writer's, autobiography, Education of a Wandering Man. He had no education, less than you have. I think you would enjoy his story and get some ideas from it.

I have the same problem Locust, you're not alone.

I'm 26 years old and I still don't have my degree in general sciences yet. It's supposed to be a 3 year degree. I keep dropping classes, not studying, skipping exams etc. I've failed several classes by just not going to the final exam.

I failed organic chemistry II like 3 times, but finally I got an A in it. I failed only because I didn't study, not because I wasn't capable.

I found what I need is structure. I did really well in high school because it was very structured. Teachers took attendence and you got into trouble if you didn't do your homework.

Last semester I got tutors to help me out. They gave me the structure needed to succeed. I would have never thought I could get an A in organic chem II, but I did.

This semester hasn't gone well because my family convinced me to take 2 classes instead of one on top of my part time job. Plus they convinced me that a tutor was a waste of money. I ended up getting really behind and have dropped both my classes.

Right now I just need 4 or 5 more classes to graduate. I really hope I can do it by end of next school year.

I've also ruined my grades. Originally I was in another program, but I had to switch out of it because I failed a course twice. I've never been on academic probation though, which is a wonder. My grades of A's to F's apparently come out to an average of C+.

I hated college, every second of it, but I forced myself to do it........big mistake.....the traditional jobs that required a degree I got fired from and I found great happiness in a wiatressing job and I blossomed and I never truly found a job that used my degree anyway....those college years were such empty years I wished I had started waitressing sooner or explored with all that time till i found myself like i did now, 'cause I sure as heck didnt learn one helpful thing in college it was too restricting and the things one studies one doesn't use and is uninteresting and you just sit there and get lectured ar what about moving around more and what about more interaction.....the collegiate type is so stuck up and I bond better with non intellectuals...if I had to do it over I wouldn;t have spent nine years getting my bachelor's whioch didn't land me anything financially, emotionally, or spirtitually............

Locust, I am 43 years old and a college grad. My first 3 semesters were just pathetic. First of all I didn't have the aptitude of most of the students, being a product of the public school system. Secondly, there were a lot of bad influence people that tempted me to miss class to do other things. Starting with my 4th semester I found out there was a College Bowling team. You had to try out and make the team but also have a 2.0 avg to be eligible. That was the thing that made me buckle down. I really wanted to compete on a national level. I began going to the library after work to study until it closed at midnight. I would sit in the same booth every time so all I had to distract me was to read the new graffiti on the walls (since I had already read the old). My grades steadily improved and the better they got, the more I cared. I finished college with a B- average. That is just what motivated me.
My advice to you is find out what you are passionate about and pursue it. It may mean not going to college at all. Last I checked Bill Gates and Mark Cuban didn't graduate college and they did ok for themselves. There are so many ways to make a living. Not all require college education........and as Perna said, you can always go back.
I spent about 20 yrs in retail mgmt. I hated it. I can tell you this, after 5 years your degree means nothing. It's all about track record in your field. Finally decided to follow my passion, antiques. It's a little awkward leaving a high paying for the unknown, but I never feel like I'm working anymore. It's like a full time hobby. Now I feel like I wasted 20 years.
I hope you find the answer. I know what it's like to be depressed, unmotivated and not caring if I wake up the next morning. Good luck to you. Regards, Cajun

I wrote a huge response to everyone here and accidentally deleted the entire thing. I'm too tired to bother re-writing the exact same stuff. I apologize. I really did write a detailed response to everyone who posted to this. I apologize. I will get back with you all later and will retype my replies to everyone here. I have read and appreciated everyone's replies. Thanks everybody. Again sorry for the delay in replying, but I will post back to you all later.