[SweetCrusader]

I'm part Native American, but mostly white. I'm trying to get into a PhD program, and a part of it that I'm interested in is the Native American counseling program. I've been raised away from the reservation, totally immersed in white Utah Mormon culture. My dad is from a reservation, and I've always wanted to get more into that part of my Heritage. Tonight I went with the Native American grad students for the opening social of the American Indian Support Project at the university here. I had a really great night.

Race has been on my mind a lot lately, with everything that's been going on. (I'm also in a multicultural psych class and also trying to get myself enrolled in my tribe finally!) Anyway, I take after my mom, so I am very very white. Sometimes I feel like I have no claim to my Native blood because of that. But as a kid, I was seen as the Indian kid and almost all my cousins that I was raised around are blue-eyed and blonde haired. Ya know? Sometimes I feel like I'm not Native, but I'm not only Caucasian either. And I have trouble knowing what to think about it all, and where to belong. I also hate filling out paperwork that tells you to select ONE race only. I have to choose one part of me, or check "other". Checking "other" makes me feel subhuman.

Tonight I met two couples- both with an Indian man and a Caucasian woman, just like my parents. My parents are the only couple I have ever known with an Indian and a Caucasian. I've known very few biracial couples at all. It was kinda nice to see them together. It felt really good. And one of the couples had a son with dark skin, but light hair and blue eyes! How gorgeous is that?

I just wanted to know if anyone out there can relate. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes I even wish that my parents had both married into their own race and I was either/or, you know? But I hate that I feel that way, because I support biracial marriage and I think what I am is beautiful- most of the time.

Please, if you don't support inter-racial marriages, refrain from comment. It will hurt my feelings, and I'm just looking for support. Thanks.

Angela

[SweetCrusader]

Wow! That was a cute story Sept! I can sympathize with the little boy who wanted to be black like his daddy. I've always been torn between wanting to be more like my whiter family or more like my browner family. I don't feel like I'm quite on either end of the spectrum, and that's tough. I guess I need to work on believing that I'm beautiful the way I am!

Thanks everyone for replying. I feel like there are people who can really understand from personal experience now, and that helps so much.

((((hugs to all)))))

Angela

[(JD)]

Well, yeah. I, too, am part Cherokee and part Scot. The cherokee is quite diluted, but not within me, I have native american abilities that no one taught me... I cannot belong to the tribe because the white man made the indian women back then to change their names to European names... and right then was the Trail of Tears... all we have is oral history until we can find her tribal name... and that is more difficult with each passing decade.

I used to check Native American but then realized that if the tribe does not accept me yet, then I shouldn't. I have checked other just out of frustration.

For the reasons of my own past, I do not support inter-cultural marriages. I don't even want the Eskimos to marry non Eskimos... it cause so many identity problems... plus, the world loses the culture! But that's a moot point now, with this one-world mentality.

You are who you find yourself as: don't let governments decide for you! If you can, DO become recognized by the tribe, that will only help you anyway, since you identify with them. You might as well get some benefits for it! (But only for legal purposes, otherwise, why use any background for gain like such?)

I love being part Scot also... my last name has mystery to it's origin and links to places in history... small history to me... but...

I often tell ppl that I'm a considerate person usually... (the Cherokee in me, thoughtful insightful and mystical) but don't get me angry because both the Cherokee and Scotch know how to do that sooooooo well! LOL

Noone will ever tell me I am not native american. Just because the government messed the records up... I have the oral history, and that is what they had long before we had books! I used to have contact with the tribe (Eastern Band) and even had some letters published in their newspaper. Sigh. I have studied the language... alas it does me no good until I can "prove to them'? ... I am still who I am ... sigh.

We are almost all interracial in the USA... most everyone came from someplace else... so it is common and not a good indicator of society as a whole, IMO

[SweetCrusader]

I don't totally understand, Sky, because a lot of enrolled Native Americans have European names now. Are you saying they cannot trace your ancestory back?

I am working on getting enrolled. All my life we thought I was enrolled, but it turned out that my grandma (who was back on the reservation and had supposedly enrolled me) didn't get me enrolled for some reason. I think we found that out about 4 years ago, actually, but I'm just now getting it taken care of. I think it will mean a lot to me. My father of course has been enrolled all his life. He grew up on the reservation. Sometimes I wish we visited there more often, but money was always tight and the reservation is a 21-hour drive IF you don't stop to sleep at all (we could never afford to fly out there).

Angela

[(JD)]

Oh this sounds so encouraging for you to do! Of course you will be able to! They just don't want ppl who claim to be native american... because so many ppl want to belong somewhere and there ARE govt benefits to being indian... ha!

Right... we have a gap in our "family tree" all we have are names of "William and Mary ---- " well, anyone with any knowledge of history knows those names are most common, and often taken when others aren't... it is my great great grandfather's wife who was Cherokee... the oral record says he came from Scotland and married her... I am not looking at the info so I forget if it was the same year as Trail or the next year... anyway the oral history says they left the reservation on their own, not part of the govt movement, and either lived in the mountains and then went to Ohio or the path to Ohio was through the mountains (duh.)

My father continued the oral history... and one of my sisters that never listened to his stories later tried to research the family tree. She came up with gap... and mentioned it to me... and I told her that was the exact dating of the story dad had told about "William and Mary" well, then she said that she did find a Wm & Mary marriage but didn't know where they came from. The records for William may have. would have, been lost in the fire at Ellis Island... oh well.

I do not have to push this with the tribe. I will visit there soon, though... but not to announce who I think I am... I think with my spirt "knowledge," and energy, they will know. And that will be enough for me.

My native american background helps me when I am depressed... and when I am able to think about it... and the PTSD. It is because of the inner knowledge that I am able to do so much of this, and understand, and maybe why I am so sensitive! I just don't know what to do with it all maybe????

What do you think... about depression and sensitivity... do you think it could be connected to the earth knowledge?

[SweetCrusader]

I'm not really sure what you're asking about the depression and earth knowledge. I guess what I would ask you before answering your question is- what do you mean by your Native background? Like your genes and biological inheritance from Native ancestors? Or have you been raised with some Native cultural beliefs and practices that you are seeing at play here?

I have been raised in white culture, remember. Yes I did have my dad, and there are some differences there as a result, but I was raised very far away from the rest of his family and tribe. My siblings and I, as far as I know, are the only ones on my dad's side of the family to ever be raised off a reservation. But we have DEFINITELY been raised outside that culture. (Something that I am alternately grateful for and sad about )

[shakes]

I can understand what you are going through. My grandfather is HIspanic (straight off the boat), but my grandmother is white. This has always been a huge family secret that I did not even know about until my teenage years...I do not want to get into right now, but I wanted to let you know that I do understand how it feels. It sucks to have to check those boxes and I try not to anymore...I usually just check "other".
It is hard being in a world that is so clear cut when you are not...

Jessica

[Rapunzel]

Maybe I don't have a real place in this discussion, since I'm 3/4 Scandinavian and the rest is Swiss and English/American. I still feel like my heritage is mixed since my father immigrated from Norway, but the English part of my heritage traces back to the Mayflower (and there is speculation about some Native American ancestors in that line - it's probable that there is at least some in any line that has been in America that long). I hate checking those boxes too. It's just not a representation of who I am, or who anyone is. The only box that really makes sense for me to check is white, but I'm always tempted to check other. Actually, sometimes I have written in "Viking."

I have light brown hair and hazel eyes, and I'm really glad that I'm not entirely blonde and blue-eyed. I love dark hair and eyes - I think they are so beautiful. One of my sisters has dark hair and darker skin than the rest of us, and is also taller. She is the one who is envied for her looks. I had such a preoccupation with Oriental cultures as a teenager - hung around with them, dressed like them, and took a semester of Chinese - a couple of times someone told me that I almost looked a little bit Oriental, and I thought that was the greatest compliment!

There is a science fiction book I read once, called Ghost , and it's set in a future where the prevailing attitude is that all races ought to be blended together and unified. Therefore, a perfect couple consisted of two people at opposite extremes in skin darkness, and the ideal child was mixed-racial, medium in color, and lacking any feature that would identify any particular race. You might find that book interesting. I thought it was sad that cultural identity was lost and that nobody was interested in learning about their ancestors or preserving all those wonderful cultures.

I'm also very sad that I was raised separate from my father's culture, and was not taught their language and their ways, and I have been doing what I can to learn about it on my own, including getting to know the relatives he left behind, and who are entirely members of that other culture. So maybe I relate to you on this more than you would think possible for someone who is essentially all white. Every one of us is a multicultural individual with a unique heritage.
Wendy

[Myzen]

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Maybe I don't have a real place in this discussion, since I'm 3/4 Scandinavian and the rest is Swiss and English/American.

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I think you do. It's not always skin colour that makes family life difficult . My father was English (posh) and my mother was Scottish (working class). He took her away from Scotland when she was 19 and rejected her family. He spent his life rubbishing her roots (mainly by never mentioning them) and kept her subjugated until he died age 72. My mother died shortly after. It was like he had married the housemaid or something.

We lived away from both families and as a result I had no extended family to relate to at all. Isolation was the name of the game. I think my father was an insecure individual and he was certainly cruel. I have a suspicion that he daren't marry a woman that he thought was on his own 'level' for fear that his nasty behaviour would be exposed.

So, although Scottish/English doesn't seem so biracial compared to more obvious cases, I think that the isolation and unhappiness of being in a fugitive nuclear family, always on the move, rootless, is painful whatever the reason is.

[SweetCrusader]

Wendy, I think you do have a place in this discussion. And I appreciated your take on things.

In my multicultural psych class, we addressed the diversity within the "white" population, and I realized that "white" really isn't even one race of people! I should send you the interview I did with my grandma, too. She talks about how her Danish mother didn't want her to marry my grandpa because he has French ancestry, so she considered him a foreigner! I never knew that! Like, what is that? lol

Anyway, thanks everyone again for your input. I'm working on remembering that I AM BEAUTIFUL dang it!! And just the way I am.

((((hugs)))) to all you other beautifuls out there, whatever color you are!!!

Angela

[SeptemberMorn]

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((((hugs)))) to all you other beautifuls out there, whatever color you are!!!

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I'm going to DITTO this and extend it to Ricky as well... and any other "gays" out there. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and genders! LOL

[SweetCrusader]

Yes for sure!

[SeptemberMorn]

My "native" reaches out to your "native" and gives you a hug! Unless, of course, your NON-native wants it! LOL

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{YOU}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[SweetCrusader]

I think all the Native and non-Natives in all of us should get a hug! I know all of me wants one!!!

[SeptemberMorn]

Ok!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{I AMs, All of you!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Repeat after me... "I AM!! "

That's all that really matters, is that YOU ARE!!