[lenjan]

I thought it would be helpful to start a thread on "how not to treat people with a mental illness." There are a lot of morons out there who don't get it -- I have one in particular in mind for myself -- and I thought it might be nice to have a list for him of do's and don'ts for coping.

I made a MINOR mistake yesterday that was caught hours and hours before it ever hit print. My boss called to yell at me for that and something else and told me that if I couldn't work, I shouldn't be here. (I am going on medical leave because of the depression but -- silly me! -- felt obligated to stay through the end of the week, though I could have left immediately after my dr. appt. Tuesday.)

Here is the email I got following the phone convo:

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Just to follow up on our phone conversation, I'm sure things aren't easy for you right now and I am trying to understand that. I know you are making a good effort, based on your decision to stay through the end of the week.
However, if you are at work you need to be professional and productive. Not finishing a CV feature when it's been on your radar for a couple of weeks leaves me in no better spot than when you failed to give Christena a health feature. I would have thought you learned from that mistake.
You simply need to plan better and get started earlier on these stories. It's inexcusable.
You need to take FULL responsibility each and every time for what you are assigned, the several names you failed to get on the fair snapshot boxes and the wrong performer for Friday's Snapshot box other examples of sloppiness that I seldom see even from part-timer reporters or interns. I don't know how, as a reporter, you could not get the name of someone you spoke with and just assume someone else (the photographer) got it and got it right.
You do good things too, but half or three-fourths of the time just isn't good enough.
Hopefully some of these issues will be resolved when you return. I certainly hope you will be able to work at the high level I believe you're capable of.

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I wrote him back with a couple of links (including to the depression resources on PC) and left it at that, but oooooh, I'm still steaming. And I sense it will do no good to tell him that right now it is all I can do to get out of bed every day, and that if I don't have to, I don't. (I spent the 3-day weekend last week pretty much moving from bed to couch, without leaving the house.)

I have been dealing with this stuff since I was a young teen. I have managed to hold down jobs for a couple of decades despite repeated flares. And I have NEVER encountered an employer who, after hearing what I'm going through, has cared less about *me* than about the job.

So: If you could, what would you tell people about how not to treat you? I will kick off the list with "telling someone who already feels worthless and hopeless that he or she sucks is both unkind and unproductive."

[selfy]

heres a thing not to say that i assume must get right on peoples nerves....
'i understand how you feel...'
when they obviously dont have a damn clue.

[kim_johnson]

I'm not quite sure what to say...

The way I read the letter... Was that your employer IS trying to be understanding about this:

> Just to follow up on our phone conversation, I'm sure things aren't easy for you right now and I am trying to understand that. I know you are making a good effort, based on your decision to stay through the end of the week.

BUT that they are really struggling not because you made 'a minor mistake', but because more generally:

> half or three-fourths of the time

there are errors (and concrete examples were provided).

I understand that you are having a hard time... (And I understand that you might not hear me when I say that). But then I also understand that as an employer one needs to have employees who do their job - or one needs to find another employee to do the job or to fix the mistakes of that first employee.

Maybe you need some time off? Or maybe... If your depression is fairly constant and you haven't had these issues with other employers then you might be better finding an alternative position?

It IS hard. Because on the one hand, we don't want people to stigmatize against those with mental illness (e.g., by not hiring them etc). But on the other hand, when we want special consessions, then one can understand why there is such stigma. I'm not quite sure what to say. But I AM sorry that you are having a hard time of it. Maybe... This job isn't for you.

[lenjan]

I *am* taking some time off, starting Monday. I could have left Tuesday and not done anything at all this week that I needed to get done, but I felt obligated to finish as much as I could. And I have had flares at other jobs, and no one has treated me this poorly because of it, or shown such a lack of concern for me as a person.

And yeah, this job probably isn't for me, which is part of why I'm taking the time off, to investigate alternatives.

I really feel for you I am sorry you have been spoken to in this way, the least he could of done was spoke to you face to face .....

I feel it was insensative and a bit harsh.

[thelostone]

(((((candybear)))))

he reminds me of someone i used to know.

the statement: I know you are stressed but just get it done.

this should not be used. if we could just get it done then we would have gotten it done.

lost

[kim_johnson]

Hang in there Candybear (((((you))))) ---- If safe. There might be more going on here than the letter conveys... But yeah, the job probably isn't for you. I hope that you find something where you feel supported and cared for and where you get more of a sense of job satisfaction and like your efforts are being appreciated. My best to you.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))))))))))))) I hope you find some time to heal and another job if that is what is best for you. I am thinking of you.

BB

[eskielover]

My situation started off somewhat similar....only I was a software/firmware engineer in aerospace......the project was over & I couldn't get into any other technical position that fit my abilities.....so I ended up taking a glorfied secretarial position......where I was setting up the tecnhical library & leading a group on how to control your software versions as they develope. I didn't know a dang thing about what I was doing & initially wasn't just couldn't get myself to even do the job half-way.......as 6 months passed, I was able to BS my way into them thinking I knew what I was doing by learning all the right Buzz words & then even wrote a presentation for a national seminar they forced us to do & it was accepted.....go figure....I didn't know anything about the words I put down on paper, but had to put them down as part of the job.

I was having such horrible anxiety attacks, all I would do was go into my office & sit there & cry........luckily, I had a private office......but it kept getting worse & by thanksgiving, all I could do was survive until Christmas break......then I just couldn't go back & kept calling in sick until the Northridge earthquake hit in 1994 & collapsed the road to work, so I couldn't get there & then when they finally cleaned up some of the mess, it was taking 6 hours to drive to work & they wouldn't let me work from home.....obviously....the job was not something I could really do from home anyway.

The thing is that when we realize we are having a prolem functioning on the job....sometimes it's better to figure it out before they do & gracefully make an exit.....I ended up taking 6 months leave of absense, knowing quite well at the time I left I would never be going back as there was no way I could continue working in a place where I felt that way.

The fact is that certain jobs have certain requirements & when we can't full fill them......we are really better off leaving when we know we should & when we have the perfect out because we know we aren't working at the full need of the job & they are really better off without us.....even though we want to feel needed to wrap up what we were doing......sometimes they just don't see it that way....& would really rather have us leave at the point it's decided we will be leaving.

This situation of course is dependent on the people & the job......The fact is that certain jobs aren't flexable nor to the people running them want to be flexable & understanding because the job needs to be done perfectly & on time correctly & there is no room for error......those are the things that we need to be aware of & gracefully leave at the best possible minute rather than thinking they will appreciate our good intentions & best efforts........some jobs that might be possible....others, it isn't & those are the things we need to be aware of also.....just as we expect them to be aware of our situations. It really is a 2 way street out in the working world.

I know the horrible anxiety feelings you are going through....& I know the horrible anxiety feeling trying to figure out how to best possibly handle the situation.

I would take my leave & try to figure out if disability might not be an answer.....or look at another career that requires less pressures on being 100% perfect.....but I would't use the time to try to recover so you can go back......as you will only end up exactly where you are right now.....after a few days if you decide to return.

I know you have a lot of decisions to make & when you are in the middle of anxiety attacks, one can't make decisions......so it's best to just take as much time as possible & just do nothing.....just calm down.....after that....decide what action you need to take to keep from ending up back in the throws of anxiety attacks.....sometimes we have to realize there is nothing we can do & accept that also.......but it is a decision to be made once you have clamed down & can make good judgments rather than reacting to situations.

Based on my own experience,
Debbie

[lenjan]

(((((Debbie))))))) thank you for sharing your experience. That helps a lot.

I sent my boss a couple links to read up on depression. He wrote back before I left yesterday (we don't work in the same office) and said he hadn't realized that's what I was dealing with, apologized for seeming uncaring, acknowledged that I was probably hurt by management's comments but told me that if I consistently worked hard, all would be well and they all want to see me succeed.

Very nice of him, but too little too late, methinks. I just want out.

((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))))))))0

You are worth more than the way he treated you .... so much more ... rest up, look after you and good luck when you're ready to go back to a new job ..... love, Jinny xx

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
candybear said:

I sent my boss a couple links to read up on depression. He wrote back before I left yesterday (we don't work in the same office) and said he hadn't realized that's what I was dealing with, apologized for seeming uncaring, acknowledged that I was probably hurt by management's comments but told me that if I consistently worked hard, all would be well and they all want to see me succeed.

Very nice of him, but too little too late, methinks. I just want out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

IDK, it still sounds like this person doesn't really get it, but then, that's me. There's no way anyone who hasn't lived it can understand. To me, it almost says, "I'm sorry you feel this way but get over it."

The guy that sent you the email is a real jerkwad! In my experience, they always care more for the business than they care for the individual worker.

I hear what you need and are looking for, Candy, but I seriously doubt you'll find it in a place of business.

Something you might think of later on when you get better is that all of us will internalize the negative much quicker than we will the possitive, especially if we're already feeling negative about ourselves to begin with. Try as much as you can to turn off negative comments for the time being. Treat yourself, talk to yourself as if you were your son. What would you say to him if he was in your situation? Tell yourself those things and do it with as much love a you can. You deserve it!

I'm here for ya, Hon!

(Uh... HOARK?)

[silentlyscreaming]

sorry, but your boss sounds like an insensitive so and so. You did the right thing and by being honest with them about where you were at and by finishing the week. IMHO, if he still felt like he needed to discuss your performance, it could have been left until you returned from your leave when you had had time to recenter, regroup and refocus.
I think it was cruel to throw that at you know. When your in the deepest pits of depression, the last thing you need is someone criticising you when you're already so full of self doubt. It definately could have been handled better.
I'm sorry you went through it.
When i got to the point where working was impossible and needed time off, my boss was fantastic. He told me to take as much time as I needed and my job would be there wating for me. Unfortunately, it was all talk. I asked at least once a week, every week for about 6 months about returning, but there was always some poor excuse...too busy to meet, holidays...blaah blah blah.
Please take gentle care of yourself and do what you need to do to get through the dark times. Try not to ruminate about what a jerk your boss is while you're off work.
Focus on yourself.
Take care, my thoughts are with you.