[Raynaadi]

Happy day after Thanksgiving everyone! I just wanted to get updates on how all of your days went! Mine was crazy!

We had to do the dual family thing this year. My bf's mom was having turkey dinner at 12:30 and then we were due at my grandma's for ham at 2:00. Well of course nothing ever goes as planned! My bf's parents had a friend over who lost his mom recently, so luckily he wasn't alone for the holiday. But he had to be to work at 2pm clear across town. Well he brought some white zinfendel which was his mom's favorite so we could all toast her. He drinks a lot, but my bf's parents haven't drank in years. Well, we ended up opening the bottles just before dinner was ready, and his parents got toasty in a hurry! It was so much fun! They were all dancing around to blaring oldies music and then we all slacked on the dinner, sitting around drinking wine and telling stories. Dinner ended up not ready until about 1:30, so their friend was late to work and my bf and I were way late to my grandma's. I wish we could have stayed with his parents! My family acted miffed that we were so late and my dad and his girlfriend left right as we got there. My grandma was unhappy because no one would let her do anything even though her knee is much better. Fun thing was that today is my bf's birthday, so grandma had me sneak a card in and she gave him money, and so did my dad! We were way shocked that my dad was actually thoughtful.

*Ah!* Bf just called and he's getting off work earlier than expected so we can go to a football game! I haven't gone birthday shopping yet! I just got paid today! Yikes! Hehehe. I better wrap this up!

Anyway, the day was pretty much shot once we got to grandmas. My aunt made feel really bad because she started puting down my clothes. I was wearing a nice brown top with embroidered flowers, and a brown over shirt with black pants and brown boots. She went off about how black and brown don't match, and my outfit had no style. She's never talked to me this way. I went off and said, "Sorry I can't run out to Lands End and buy nice things like you do! I could have warn my signature black shirt and ripped up jeans!" She made me feel so bad you all!!!! I always try to look my best for family functions. I can't help it that I can't afford clothes! Anyway, my bf told me several times even before that happened that I looked beautiful, and he said it again on the way home. So he made it better.

Aside from that, we had a great day, especially at his parent's house. I hope you all had a wonderful day as well! I have to go get birthday stuff! Wish me luck!

Love you all, and so thankful for you!!!!!
Rayna

[SeptemberMorn]

Hey, Ray... in response to your aunt: Please read it all, ok?

Beauty Is In The "I"

There is much talk today about boundaries, personal power and positive affirmations. Core to these aspects of personal awareness is the "I" statement. Whether in conversation with another or as part of the self-talk (our internal running commentary on what we are doing or what we perceive others as doing),** the "I" is critical to boundary clarification and personal empowerment. This article will address the role of the "I" in boundary clarification.

For a moment, close your eyes and imagine your boundary. It should encircle you and separate you from the "outside world." Everything inside of the boundary is YOU, everything outside is OTHER. Inside the boundary are all the aspects of Self that defines YOU as a unique individual. YOU are defined by your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, beliefs, loves and passions. The many aspects of Self are owned by the word "I" and when communicated, allows Others to know something about who you are. When you tell someone "I want..." "I need..." or "I feel..." you are sharing pieces of who you are with them. "I" statements are uniquely yours, and reflect values and aspects of the self that may or may not be shared by those around you.

Boundaries can be thought of as firm yet flexible. Your boundary moves with you and is selectively "permeable." You are in charge of what you allow into your boundary. If something comes at you that you agree with or fits your experience of yourself, you can choose to allow it in and incorporate it into your "I" messages and self-talk. If, however, something is not a part of you or is not true for you, you can choose to leave it outside of your boundary.

Many of us struggle with "You" statements or critical comments that may be thrown our way. Often, people share with me their deep hurt from what others say or think. They have not developed an internal mechanism for disarming these potentially toxic messages.

If you remember that your boundary is in your control, you can choose to let other's thoughts and opinions stay outside. Their negative statements are not automatically "Yours." If they are not brought in and owned bye the "I" they remain in the real of the "Other." You do not have to take them on. If someone pays you a compliment, you can choose to take it in, but it is still about the other. If I say I like something about you, I am telling you something about my preferences, values or opinions. If I tell you that I hate the same thing, I am still telling you something about me.

Remembering that other's opinions tell us something a bout them, not about us, is very important! When we are children, we learn much of who we are by what others tell us about ourselves. Hopefully, the messages have been positive. However, it is more commonly true that we hear critical and toxic messages that we internalize and make part of our own self-talk. As an adult, being aware of these critical messages, and making the choice to re-evaluate whether the messages are Yours, or belong in the realm of the Other, allows you to begin the process of changing your old self-talk into new empowering, nurturing messages. It is the first step toward defusing and disowning a message that has no place in your repertoire of self-talk.

"You" messages usually are inherently boundary violations. No one else can tell us what we think or fell, though often Others will try to do this very thing. You are the only one living in your body, and the only one who can report to an Other what you think of feel. Others can ask, they may assume, but they cannot KNOW until we tell them with our "I" statements.

It is important for us to take note of how we think and feel about the many choices we face daily. If we become captive to everyone else's ideas as to what we should or should not do, we lose our sense of who we are. The boundary blurs and we will not differentiate who we are from others around us.

So, remember to visualize your boundary. You have control over it. It belongs to you. What is inside is YOU, what is outside is OTHER. Everything inside composes the "I" and who you are. This is dynamic and growing as each day brings new awareness and insight. Living with the "I" keeps your boundary clear and the Self empowered.
_______________________________________________________________

Sheila K. McHenry Worman, Psy D., MFCC

[Raynaadi]

Wow September, that really defines what I *try* to do in life. I always think of myself as a strong and individual person, always say I don't care what others think, but I don't think that's always true. I'm always looking for affirmations from other people because I don't give them to myself. I mean I do sometimes, but for the most part I'm very hard on myself. I think I was so upset about what my aunt said because she's always been kinda snobby, and when I was a kid, little comments that I'd hear her make to my mom would sting. The article makes a good point about how things we hear as children affect us as adults. They always talk bad about my mom's side of the family because they had always been poor, and didn't live up to my dad's side of the family's standards. I have a lot of "hokeyness" I guess from my mom. She was very down to earth and not at all materialistic. Unlike my aunt. So I think she's always hit a nerve, and the other day it finally just overwhelmed me to the point of taking it in and feeling bad.

Thank you so much for this article. It reaffirmed my values about myself. I have always thought of myself very much as "self" and have the values of the article, but obviously sometimes it slips. This article brought me back! Thank you!!!!!!!

[SeptemberMorn]

Glad I could help, Ray.