[Mouse_]

Not sure where this post would fit, perhaps PTSD? perhaps anxiety? perhaps relationships? oh thats too much to work out so I'll dump it here.

I've recently begin to notice just how much I need to control others. How much I feel I have to save the world, well my little world as in my family.

Yesterday I was out at the beach and lining up with the family for tickets for the rides and an argument broke out just in front of me. A guy had apparently pushed in and some people were aruging with him. I stood there thinking, %#@&#! hows this going to end? Is a knife going to be pulled? I looked at my husband out the corner of my eye hoping he wouldn't get involved. Mind you there is some improvement within me over control because a couple of yrs ago I proberbly would have grab hubbys arm and pulled us all away from the scene, but I was calm enought to stand still and let go of the outcome.

When this incident was over I begun to feel myself going into a dark hole, feeling fear and anxiety and loosing faith in man-kind. This is such a familiar feeling for me.

As a child there were a few traumatic incidents that happened to our home. For a yr our home was mistakenly targeted for being the home of a local gangster, we bricks and all sorts of things were thrown at the house, mainly at night when my father was at work and just me my mum and brother at home. Then once this was over our water heater exploded in the middle of the night and I thought it was the return of the terror attacks and rushed upstairs to get to the street door, as it appears when in panic I run toward the danger instead of flee, and my feet hit boiling water and I realised the tank had exploded and shouting to my mother to stay where she was, not to come up as i had burnt my feet and I managed to get the street door open where kindly neighbours having her the bang and the glass exploding were bashing at the door to get in.

During all these things, my mother seemed to shut down, I never got a sense of her protection, she never seemed to be able to offer anything and I felt it was my job to protect. I'm wondering if this would be a cause of wanting to control things in adulthood?

To get my calm back yesterday I asked myself if my immediately space was safe? and it was, and I asked myself do I fear attack to myself? and I dont, not now as an adult, but I seem to still be hooked into these feelings where my children are concerned, even though now they are ages 15 and 15 and 20 and for a moment I had to let go thinking that its my sole responsibilty to protect them, I had to allow myself to let them take some of this responsiblity, that they have their own capablitys as seperate humanbeings and if I continue to think that its me and only me that can save them it will kill me.

This sort of feels selfish to feel this way, but I need to get a sense of whats me and whats not me. Thats not to say I won't do whatever I need to do as a responsible parent, but it does mean that I need to let go of the intense pressure I put myself under constantly trying to out think anything that may happen to them and accept to a certain degree that if something did happen to them that doesn't mean I've failed them. But this is hard, so hard to do, when you were a protector at a very early age..

Sometimes the thought of detachment and letting go feels like I am falling with no one to catch me, its unknown terroritory for me, never having anyone really there to take care of me as a child. I can't seem to switch this protector part off.

[pachyderm]

Mouse is growing and growing and growing.

Too bad I don't have a picture of a growing mouse...

mouse

I agree with you Mouse. Its very hard to grow up being the protecter to then shut it off right away.
Do you will want to always protect your kids as much as possible.
Thats just instinct. As I have learned you are only in so much reach to them when they get older. As li learned this last week as much as we try we can not always keep them safe.

Your water heater story reminded me of a few years back my Hot water pipe under kitchen sink came apart. Hot water going everywhere full blast. My son and daughter were there . I did not want them near it. I had no clue where the turn off was. There was a turn off under the sink. I kept reaching my arm in there trying to turn it off. All the time getting burned. All as i could think of was my kids were right there. I did not want them hurt. Also the kitchen was filling up fast. long story short. I finally sent my son under house to turn everything off.
I had just kicked into gear as the protector. Its very hard to turn that switch off..................
But I have slowly learned how to some.
As i think you are as you are aware of it.
muffy

[Mouse_]

I will add, that underneath these feelings of wanting to protect my family, lay feelings of resentment and a certain amount of anger that I have too also, and it was only when I allowed myself these feelings yesterday ALSO, that I found a more peaceful place and it was like the fight inside stopped. Isn't odd how we have to be able to access all feelings to find peace?

well, with a puppy ya can tell how much she's gonna grow by her paws??????



Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxo