CPS now involved

Thats just it.. my mother is here, and shes one of the pickiest people I know...and SHE can't figure out what else I am supposed to be doing.

And the other thing is, who is supposed to evaluate how clean the house is? I guess I am supposed to know this instinctually, but I'm being made to feel like my standards are not high enough.

I've done everything that I can possibly do, vaccumed, did the dishes, cleaned the kitty litter, made the bed, tidied the bedroom, tidied the bathroom, swept the kitchen floor, tidied the living room, took out the garbage, wiped down the friggin walls, made sure there was nothing little on the floor, sorted out all the stuff that needed to be organized, J.H.C. I don't know what else to do?!?!?!

Mom called her and explained I've done everything I can possibly do... and my cousins husband went on a tirade about how he hopes Im taking this seriously and it has to be kept clean blah blah blah.. they are acting like CPS had a major problem with the way my house was.. and if they did why did they not tell me anything??? Seriously, they only said that it would be a good idea to tidy the toys as they were cluttered. Never even looked in any of the other rooms, so how could they have told me it was an issue?

And of course i know it has to be kept clean, for one, i invited CPS to make a visit on this coming Thursday, because I am trying to be proactive, and even invited him to bring the life skills worker who is going ot be doing a parenting program with me. I feel like I'm being picked on here, for sure. I have a call in and will definetly talk to the worker tomorrow about how I was treated and why he didn't tell me there was an issue with the way my house was kept.. i mean I agreed that there was some last minute tidying to do but in no way was i made to feel like my house was a danger to him.. why did he tell them that and tell me something completely different?

Ohhhh and the other thing, my cousin/her husband/her daughter have not even BEEN IN MY HOUSE to know what it is like. Not since months! so they have NO IDEA what kind of shape my house is in, they are just assuming because I'm having depression issues that its a dive i guess.

Grr, im sorry, I know im ranting but this is making me very cross.

Just wondering, does this cousin have kids of his own? It's one thing to pick up after a child for a day, quite another to do it for a life time.

I guess I'm really missing something here......

You called your cousin......"to tell her it would be alright to bring him back whenever she felt like it.. to which she SNOTTILY replyed she wasn't bringing him back yet because she was TOLD that she was NOT to bring him back until the place was clean!!!!!!"

Ok, so who is she waiting for to tell her it's clean.....she said you would know what clean is.....so you know it's clean & if she hasn't been there to even see it.....who it the world is she waiting for to tell her it's clean.....doesn't sound like that is their only issue even though they shouldn't be having any issues at all since all they were doing was taking care of Jeremy for the time you needed....he wasn't even put under any protective custody or anything....they were just doing everyone a favor.....so just tell them you did what CPS said & that should be all that is necessary.

Like I questioned....who are they waiting for to tell them your house is clean???? Seems all you have to do is tell them you cleaned up the house as CPS asked & that should be all there is to it.

Sounds to me like there is a whole lot of lack of communication about feelings that have nothing to do with the reality of the situation....needs to come out & be settled & get back to everyone's own life. Can't see any reason why you shouldn't have Jeremy back & if they see something that has nothing based on CPS...they are the problem....not CPS....sounds like they interpreted something wrong....thinking that everything needs to come out as to what each party was told to see the whole picture.

Just my opinion with what I have read here,
Debbie

Maybe it's just me, but this is triggery, because I really do relate. Even though I never had someone tell me that my kids couldn't come home (probably only because I've never been, theoretically, a single mom), I relate to what it feels like to have someone telling you that what you're doing isn't good enough and you have to do better, only they won't explain what "better" consists of, and won't help, and they use your illness as a stick to beat you with. I've been there. In fact, that was what made me suicidal more than once.

I'm not sure what to tell you. It sounds like you are doing what you should be doing, and people aren't recognizing that. And it stinks.

I don't know if you know about www.flylady.net but her essays are wonderful for times like this. She was the first person I remember ever communicating understanding that some of us don't know "what clean is" or "how to clean" to whatever someone else's standard might be. And, just in case you are lost or stuck, she can help you to get moving. She understands depression, dissociation, etc. too. She is one of us.

((Rainbow))

Failing an exam or class is one thing. Failing our children is a whole different ball game. This is not punishment. If you want your son to have a backbone, you're going to have to grow one yourself. If you want him to grow wisdom teeth, you have to become wise.

It's not a matter of keeping your house clean. It's a matter of keeping yourself clean enough to handle the stress of life in addition to the stress of parenthood. With children, you can't afford to take your eye off the ball. You gave life to him - this means you gave him YOUR life. What you do from here on out is for his welfare, not yours. Learn how to provide him with food, shelter, and clothing - without any crutches.

You can't allow yourself to become so entrenched in your own life that you have nothing left for your child. You could risk leaving him behind in a hot car or at the mall. You could also risk taking out your frustration on him...what example would you be setting for him?

If this brings you down......remember the first time he smiled at you - remember the first time you heard his belly laugh. It will make the screaming much more bearable.

Kathy...

I'm sorry.. I don't understand what your point is?? Crutches? I'm not sure what you are trying to say here. Perhaps you can clarify. Because some of the things you are suggesting that I may do, are things I would never even consider doing as a parent as they are absolutely wrong, and I kind of resent the fact that you put it forward as that i may endanger him. Where are you getting the idea that he is at risk of being endangered?

Jeremy is home now, all is well and fine. My cousin came in and had 0 problems with how the house was, she even commented that it looked "spiffy" and she just dropped him off and then quickly left..

I sense there IS something more going on here.. and Im not sure what. Because she wouldn't even stay long enough to talk about it, she came in, made that comment, and hastily left. for someone who "wasn't" supposed to let Jeremy come back until certain standards were met, she certainly didn't seem to show much care about the environment she was leaving him in. She didn't even say hello to me, she said hello to my mother, said the comment, and then turned around and left. Leaving me even more baffled as to where this is coming from.

I'm also very sad to say he came home and has definetly LOST weight. I know that could be the stress of being apart, but hes COMPLETELY lost his baby belly and chub, he is quite thin now, which makes me feel like he probably was not being fed on demand as I do with him. He doesn't do well with a schedule for eating, he never has, and I told her that.. somehow im thinking things may have been done on their schedule rather than his..

On any hand, i will be speaing with the worker tomorrow about communication when/IF he did in fact make an issue out of something in my home.. again, thats if he even DID tell her that, which i have a sneaking suspicion he may have told her something like "I told her to tidy up a bit before he comes home" and she may have taken it completely the wrong way.. I don't know whats going on, but something is fishy here and doesn't make sense. Either the worker is outright lying to me, or my cousin is lying/took what he said the wrong way. Either way I will find out for sure tomorrow, because I won't be running into this situation again.

And, tomorrow I will start the process for getting a legal aid lawyer. Just incase something should pop up that becomes an issue, so I can have legal backup too. Say should I need help again and they won't give him back, I mean I am almost certain in order to do that they need a protective order and a custody hearing, do they not? they can't just make a decision behind my back without telling me!

Some people are not natural house keepers. My mother-in-law, God rest her soul, was never a good house keeper. Her house was dirty. Compounded by a husband and his employees that would come home from a construction site with mudd just caked on their boots and they wouldn't even stomp them off before coming in the house.

Dishes would remain on the table and counters for a couple of days. And the woman NEVER used plastic wrap to cover left-overs or things in the fridge. In later years, still used of cooking for a family of 7, left-overs would be recycled and eaten long after they should have hit the garbage.

Her own mother died when she was around 10 and she was thrust into the woman of the household position with a father that never recovered from the loss of his wife. When we went to her house to visit my first 24 hours were scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing (thank God she was not offended, instead appreciated the help). HOWEVER she was an excellent mother! Her kids were clean, well-fed, and very loved.

Rainbow

By "crutches," I mean excuses. By excuses, I also mean giving them a reason to take your child away from you.

I can't tell you how many times I stayed up all night with a screaming sick child, only to hear my alarm clock ring to start my work day. I couldn't go home for lunch, and I had to stay until my work was complete. When work was finished, it was back to tending to a sick baby. I wasn't allowed to take time off work to "unwind." I had to keep going for at least 18 years. He's a grown man, and I'm still running for his sake. It would really upset him if I just gave up and died.

You are a single mother. So was I. By "crutches," I mean you're going to have to learn to walk on your own - if you want to keep your child.

I'm glad your baby is home with you.

Rain,

I'm glad to hear that Jeremy is home safe and sound with you. I'm betting he is glad to be home too.

Jan

(((Rain))) it's so great that Jer is back home with you! Your cousin's behavior does sound extremely odd. Perhaps feeling guilty? As for Jer's weight loss, didn't you say he was sick? My youngest one is like that, doesn't have an ounce of extra weight but when he gets ill (even to this day) he looses weight. The last time he had the flu(about 2 years ago) he lost 12 lbs in less than a week, something I thought was impossible for someone so thin.

Sorry cant see where you are coming from with the 'crutchs' comment either.....

Anyways.

Rain. Good idea about getting legal aid for the just in case moment hun, also mention to them you was not happy with the weight he had lost.

In case they do a spot check on you keep the place over the top tidy for a bit, and yes its faking it but what the hell everyone does it. I hate bloody housework I really do and have had six kids to which five of them have turned out fantastic one is not well mentally so I dont know what else I could of done. And they did NOT grow up with a spotless house.

From what you say on here ( which is a fair bit and we enjoy hearing about Jer so keep it up ! ) you are doing a fantastic job with him dont let anyone make you think differently.

Sorry ((Tishie)) - I know I confuse people sometimes when I try to describe my entire life in one thread. I'll try it again. If you tell "strangers" you can't do something....they WILL do it for you. I don't want anyone to ever think Rainbow's baby is "up for sale" to the highest bidder - good intentions or not - because they've labeled her a "bad" mom. Down the road, I would hate to see him taken away to a place where she won't be able to find him - wouldn't you?

She's not a bad mom - she loves her baby and he belongs to her. I believe she has what it takes to pull herself together for that little angel. That's all I was trying to say.

woo hoo jer is home! doing the happy dance for you honey! good luck tomorrow/today.

So i talked to social worker...

who said he absolutely didnt tell them he said i had to clean before he came home. He just told them I had said i had some stuff to do before he came home around the house... the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. Im glad it got sorted out.

Yeah, jer was sick and i think thats why he lost the weight.. either that or he got taller.. and he just LOOKS skinnier.

Poor thing has FOUR teeth breaking right now hes not a happy boy, and i think hes coming down with something because hes just slept for most of the day.

Regardless hes back

you didn't do anything wrong, you had your son in best interest when you reached out for help... there is nothing wrong with that. it's just their job, CPS, they aren't there to attack you or anything. they want children to be with their parents. don't worry he'll come home and things will get better. you seem to be taking this very good imo.

Rainbow

Teething is an extremely stressful time for both child and mother. It's painful, so it's possible Jer has no appetite when his mouth is hurting. When the pain subsides, his appetite will return.

I used to work for a pediatrician and became close with "my" mothers and children. When my son was cutting his molars, it was a very noisy time. Due to the pain, he'd fly off the handle and start crying or screaming for no other "apparent" reason.

I was particularly close with one mother because our children were the same age. When she'd call our office, I'd sometimes chat with her and we compare our child's development and talk of their "perfection." She loved her little girl as much as I loved my little boy.

My boss was also a pediatric cardiologist, and discovered little Jessica had a hole in her heart. Back then they had to do a cardiac cath to determine the size of the hole. EVERYONE suspected it was just a tiny little hole.

Turned out the hole was huge. Despite major heroic efforts, she died on the table. Her mom was completely unprepared because she thought her child was just in for testing. NONE of us were prepared. After all the doctors pulled themselves together, my boss had to go out and tell her she no longer had a child.

She came back to my office, and we cried together. The doctors came back a few minutes later, and we ALL cried together.

It was a particularly rough day for me - especially with me going on no sleep. All I wanted was to go home and hold my baby.

After work I picked my son up from the sitter, and he was in a ticked off mood because of all the pain from those molars. He did NOT want me to hold him, and he screamed his head off in the back seat all the way home.

It was the most beautiful music I had ever heard. It brought a smile to my face because he was just crying over normal development. As joyful as it sounded to me, my heart was still breaking for my friend who lost her baby that day. It would have torn me apart too.

I wasn't sure to place this in this thread or the "talk to me" thread. Either way, it's a story for you.

I thought that it was all a miss understanding......that's what is looked like from here. Sometimes people in your cousin's position can be stressed also by having CPS involved & they don't want to do anything wrong....so they over react.....it had seemed to me that was what they were doing......(basically what I said in my reply earlier:

I remember (even though it's been about 30 years ago) with my daughter....when she was getting her teeth, she would end up getting sick the way you are describing Jeremy is doing. Sleeping & running a temp & getting sick every time she would get a new tooth.....realized it was her bodies way of dealing with the teething process.

It's not a bad thing for Jeremy to loose that baby chub & belly.....I know you don't want to loose that little baby chubby look but changes are all part of growing & being skinner doesn't mean unhealthy.....thinking about what you said in one of your above post:

If he's used to being satisfied & being made to feel good with food every time he's hungry....think about what that will mean later on in his life if he eats every time he feels hungry because that is what he is used to as a baby....poor boy.....the baby chubby look isn't really becoming when they are older & they are being made fun of because they are overweight when chubby isn't cute anymore.....just something I thought of when you posted that. I know that doesn't always happen but I would think logically if you are used to being comforted by food every time you are hungry as a baby....it's a feeling that continues on in life.......just something to think about?????

You are a wonderful loving mother don't let anyone tell you differently!!!!.....you did exactly the right thing for both you & Jeremy when you got the help you needed WHEN YOU NEEDED IT. Getting the help you needed showed more LOVE & WISDOM for Jeremy & yourself than ignoring it & trying to handle it on your own. If it happens again....don't think about not getting help because of what happened this time. The wisdom & insight & knowledge you have of your condition to get help when you know you need it is the most important part of being a wonderful mother like you are. I feel sad for the children who have a mother with mental health issues that ignores them.....that does more harm & actually shows a lack of love for the child & than having a mother like you, who knows how to care for herself. Without being healthy yourself, there is no way you can take care of your child.

I know I respect you & how you have handled the situation you have gone through & are still dealing with. You have shown common sense, responsibility, maturity, & a love for both Jeremy & yourself that goes beyond what many mothers are capable of.

You can be proud of the way you handled yourself & don't let anyone tell you differently,
Debbie

Hi there! Please do follow through with getting an attorney. I don't know how it is in Canada but if you were in US I would tell you to never offer ANY information to CPS. Never let them hear, see, or do anything they are not legally entitled to do without your permission. It is important that you keep your privacy as much as possible and have your support come from safe people. I know how important your child is to you and I know how you struggle. Please take care of yourself and offer NO INFORMATION to cps. Be well.