I wish I could...

I wish I could just say to people when they hurt my feelings that they hurt my feelings instead of bottling it up inside and letting it fester.

My mom hurt my feelings today and I have been dwelling on it all day and letting the feelings over take all other feelings I have.

As you may or may not know my parents have taken it upon themselves to inspect my apartment and I worked really hard this weekend to clean it up. My mom had come over last week and told me which areas she thought needed attention so I really paid those areas a lot of attention and cleaned my heart out on Saturday. So I called her and said before it gets messy again when you are in town today will you come by and take a look? She did and said well it looks better but this, this and this still needs to be done. One thing she mentioned was the floor in my kitchen needed to be scrubbed. I told her I already did that and she said well it needs to be done again. No matter how much I scrub that floor it's not going to look clean it's just the way the floor is. It looked dirty when I moved in and that was 2 years ago. I have tried everything to make that floor look clean. I told her that and she said well try again. She knows how hard it is for me to get down on my hands and knees but I have to do it again. I want to tell her so bad how much it hurts when she says it looks good but this needs to be done. It's like she doesn't even care how hard I worked to get the other stuff done. I feel as if no matter what I do it's never going to be good enough. I want to tell her this so bad but don't know what would happen if I did and if she would get mad she would go tell my dad and then he would get mad at me and I know what happens then and it ain't pretty. So I feel like I'm just lost.

I want to be able to be honest with my feelings with people without fear of consquences.

Jan

I can think of only one way to avoid that kind of situation - stop asking other people for their opinion. You know how hard you worked. And I’m betting the place looked really nice. They don’t live there, you do. If you are happy with the way your home is then it’s just fine as it is.

Hugs to you Jan,

I can understand what you're feeling. I wish that I could handle my emotions in a healthy manner and still care for myself. In my experience, I've always put myself last. Everyone else was always more important than me, which put my self-esteem in the sewer.

The past 6 months or so have been spent on finding a place for ME to live. Now, I have a place to move into in March. But I seriously worry how to make it "acceptable" for my family (two young daughters & my parents) and estranged husband. From the beginning, no one has been supportive of my decision to move into a place of my own. They now know that my apartment is for disabled - and have horrible mental images of my future; how my girls and I will fit in; etc.

I don't have any words of wisdom, as you can see. I understand and sympathize, though Jan, best wishes to you!

Shez

Sometimes you just have to stop looking for acceptance from others & feeling that you aren't good enough if THEY DON'T THINK SO. You know yourself & you know how hard you work at something & how good it's going to get.

If they are the kind of people who are going to get mad about something as petty as that (even if they are your parents) brush them off with a "yea, I did it....several times & that's just as good as it's going to get....if you don't believe me, you get down on your hands & knees & show me you can do better!!!!"

You can't let family bully you the rest of your life. I am not sure exactly why your relationship is the way it is & being that you are out on your own, why your mother even has any say over how clean or need your apartment is....but they as parents need to know when to let go of you also....doesn't sound like they are doing a very good job of letting you grow up.

My Mother was always looking for approval from her mother (my grandmother)...I saw what a sad relationship that was even as a child & refused to let my Mother ever get into that kind of relationship with me.

Now with 6 dogs in the house, it's a never ending process of keeping it clean & there are some areas where it's impossible.....lucky I'm the only one living in my house.....so no problem. Sadly, I love my home to look like a model home all the time & that's just not going to happen any time soon.

Debbie

The reason my parents seem to think they need to inspect my apartment for cleanliness is that every apartment I have been in I have been kicked out for being messy. So they are trying to avoid that with this apartment. My landlord has been in my apartment loads of times and never said anything about it being messy or anything and I have brought this up to my parents and they still don't listen. I realize in the past I have had real problems with letting it go to the point of being kicked out but I have changed I really have. I love my apartment and would hate to have to move out of it. My parents say that since they subsidize my living expenses it gives them the right to inspect my apartment at will because I am on HUD and HUD gets to inspect my apartment. They said that since HUD subsizes me and gets to inspect so do they. So I have to put up with it and if I don't let them inspect my apartment they will no longer subsize me and I need their monthly help or I can't make it every month. I need their financial help.

I just wish it didn't come with so many strings attached.

My mom's house is spotless you could eat off the floor and I hate going out there because I feel so confined and uncomfortable. I like my house where it is clean but maybe a little dusty. My bed may not be made and my computer table maybe a little messy but it is my house. Heck Martha Stewart doesn't live here.

Jan

(((Jbug))) I can really relate to your mom and this situation. When my husband and I moved back to my home town we lived with my parents for a few months. They would not accept rent, so we bought all of the groceries and cleaning supplies and I cleaned like a banshee.

One Friday my father happened to be off and commented on what a good job I did striping and waxing the floor and how my mother hates that job and would really appreciate it. I said "it doesn't matter, mom's going to do this all again tomorrow morning." He didn't believe me, I said "Dad, I clean like this every Friday. Every Saturday morning mom gets up at 2 am and does it all again." I took down every knick-knack and dusted every surface and intentionally put them back in the wrong spots so she'd KNOW I'd cleaned them. I washed every floor, throw rug and cleaned the carpets, stripped the wax and washed the walls at least once a month.

Now she taught me to clean, heck I was married for a full year before I even knew there was something like a mop so you didn't have to get on your hands and knees to scrub every time the floor needed a touch up. The only thing that I didn't do was the windows (inside I washed). She's quite particular about her windows and has a system, plus I hate that job.

As I predicted the next morning she got up and did it all again. My dad asked her why, she said "because I want to make sure it's done right."

((jbug))

Love hurts sometimes. As frustrating as it may be, it's because they love you so dearly. They are aware the day will come when they won't be able to keep your home clean or protect you out on the streets. Most likely, one day you'll have to fend for yourself.

I suspect your mother would rather have you angry with her now, than have to look down upon you and see you crying on the streets all alone - at the mercy of predators.

If she sees you in a warm home and safe from harm, she might even get a chuckle when she hears you tell others what a "b**ch" your parents were to you when they were alive.

If she sees you crying alone on the streets, it will make HER cry and feel like a failure. It will be too late though - because you won't be able to hug her back or ask her to help you straighten your room to avoid eviction.

Please continue working on your "elbow grease" when she's not looking. Maybe one day you can challenge her to a "dual" while she's alive. There's nothing more satisfying than watching an inspector sift through your work closely and fail to find any flaws. It will make you both feel like winners.

Who knows, maybe if you master this - you can have a decent relationship with your parents. Parents are a treasure too - even the mean ones.