Okay where to start..

I have depression and anxiety issues to begin with, and have been getting steadily worse since a few weeks now. By Wednesday I hadn't slept in three days.

Well I decided of my own self to go to the hospital to be assessed on wednesday evening. I sent jer to be with relatives.

They assessed me, changed my medications and sent me on my way with a follow up appointment with my regular psychdoc.

Well my relatives still had jeremy, i was expecting him back today. Child protective services showed up and are now involved.. they say its routine, because of the depression and such. I am not allowed to have him back until tuesday. Which makes me feel ROTTEN for not being able to be there for him. And on top of that he got sick last night and has the flu so is feeling miserable.

I never would have gone for help if i knew that this was going to happen

I just feel guilty and awful

I didn't in fact ask if I could go see him.. im sure that would be fine, as they didn't say otherwise. I think they just want to be sure im stable as Im a single mom and would be alone with him. Not that I would EVER hurt him, but I understand the need for them to be on top of things.. I myself was a ward of the courts from age 12 on and was being abused so i know they step in for good reasons.

It does make me feel like i shouldn't try to seek help. Which is RIDICULOUS if you ask me.. considering i could have just hid it until i reached a breaking point where I tried something stupid.. Right now im at the point where Ive had thoughts but I dont feel the need to act on them.. besides i would never leave my son alone in this world. he needs me and i need him.

I am going to ask to go down to my birth coach/cousins tomorrow, just so i can play with him, feed him, snuggle with him, maybe get to take a good nap with him. Im feeling much better and more stable since the med change. Which is great.

I totally get why the stepped in.. because I was having suicidal thoughts. And although I said I would never act on them, they cant just assume im telling the truth. But it still hurts and it makes me nervous that I'll have to jump through hoops to keep him now. i feel scrutinized, if you know what I mean.

I guess I have to focus on the fact that I KNOW I am an excellent mother, and everyone tells me that too. So that will shine through even if they are involved. Yes, my house could probably stand to be a little tidier, but heck its not better homes and gardens around here.

So just got to stay positive and remember they are involved to help me, which is exactly what the guy said, he was really nice. He basically said they just want to be sure im stable enough to have him, that I follow up and go to therapy(which i tend to dodge because i get scared) and they want to provide me with all the supports that they can. He asked if i needed help in other areas, like life skills, budgeting, baby care... I said heck, why not? Might as well take what I can get, considering I am a single mom on welfare who is a first time parent. It can't hurt right? And it probably looks good on me for reaching out.

Anyways, after talking with my cousin and he is doing well and not sick anymore, and after having a while to think about it, i feel quite a bit better about everything. Im just reminding myself that this is not because im a bad parent, but to help me get the help i need and deserve.

I am just lost without him

[free2beme]

((( rain )))))))))

I'm so sorry all of this is going on.

you are a good mother and Jeremy is fortunate to have you.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( Rainbowzz ))))))))))))))

You did a good thing going for help, I know it must feel like they are punishing you but like you said they are there to help you. Take this time to become even more stable and ready for jeremys return home.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Rainbowzz )))))))))))))))))

[notz]

Rainbowz,

I wish you strength.

notz

[Zorah]

((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))

You took a responsible action in reaching out for help.
It's good they changed the meds & the new ones are working. You really can't go that long without sleep, without it affecting your state of mind anyway.
CPS probably want to be sure you are stabilized on the new meds & get a bit of rest before they let Jeremy come home,
but you ARE a great mother, so you shouldn't need to worry about CPS scrutiny.

[jbug]

Oh rain I am so sorry. I am sending you hugs ((Rain)) I hope you get to feeling better soon and that Tuesday comes quickly.

Jan

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mandie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm curious, just how did CPS get involved?

You and Jer are in my prayers every time I think of you and that's quite often.

Love, Love, Love you!!

((((((((((((((rainbowzz))))))))))))))))

You are so brave, and making the best of a bad situation. You are accepting the help that is being offered, and resting in the knowledge that YOU ARE A GOOD MOM.

I'm glad Jeremy is feeling better....hang in there, Tuesday is only a couple of days away.

Prayer and hugs for you!

[madisgram]

(((rainbowzz))) your post touched my heart. you are a good mother and it shows. you are wise to see that child services is trying to help you get better and stabilized. so glad to hear the new meds are working for you!!! just be gentle and kind to yourself. you've done nothing wrong, you did everything right, you got help! and jeremy will get his mom back stronger than before. keep us posted on how you are doing. i'm glad jere is no longer sick. that must ease your mind too. he's a lucky little boy to have a mom like you.

[(JD)]

I never would have gone for help if i knew that this was going to happen

This is what concerns me most. I'm glad to see you are trying to reframe and counter that thinking. Jer isn't going to remember not being with you right now. He is with those who love him, and you are doing the right thing by obtaining the care you need.

I'm sure you are thinking that you won't call or go for help so quickly next time. That you might delay when you hit this dark time again is not a good thing. That you went when you did, when you didn't need long term watching, is the good thing!

I'm sorry for your upset and anxiety and all right now. Rebound as quickly as you can. Accept this as maybe part of your life (but isn't it better now than in the past? Aren't you better now than in years past? I think so.) You are healing. It takes time. I'm glad you have family to help in these tough times.

Keep on truckin' you're on the right road.

[splitimage]

((((Rainbowzz)))

I'm really glad you went for help and got it. I'm sorry though that it means you're separated from Jeremy temporarily. I know lots of Mom's who have had Children's Aid get involved due to various issues and I really believe that most of the workers truly want to do what's best for the family and keep family's together as much as possible.

I'm glad you can see why they got involved and that you're accepting help, it will only make things better.

---splitimage

[silver_queen]

((((((((( Rainbowzz )))))))))))

[bebop]

((((((((((bowzz)))))))) no words of wisdom hon but know I am here for you. luv u honey.

[sarahlilianne]

((((((((((((((((((Rainbozz))))))))))))))))) You did well in asking for help. You are a good mother and jeremy will be back with you soon. My prayers are for you Hun.
Lily

[DePressMe]

Rainbozz, Jeremy is very fortunate to have you as his mum! There are all kinds of ways to evaluate a "good parent" but I think the most important aspect of it can't be measured because it is in your heart. You and Jeremy have a special bond of love and that love will carry you both through the difficult times.

When you started struggling with your mental health you made sure Jeremy was in a safe place before you did anything else. I don't understand why CPS even got involved because he was safe.

I don't know much about CPS so I don't have any useful advice for you. Please, remember that no matter what hoop you have to jump through because of CPS you are a wonderful and loving parent.

I wish the best for you and for Jeremy.

[Rapunzel]

You did the right thing. I know it really stings when CPS steps in and places restrictions on you or investigates, or whatever. I realize that they also have some good services to offer, and I'm glad you are willing to accept that too. Yes, it will help in the long run, because they will know you and know that you are doing what you can for Jeremy, and that counts for a lot. That and that you are getting help.

When I had CPS show up and accuse me of attempting suicide in front of my children (untrue), I felt humiliated and felt like they were punishing me (even though they didn't do anything). They backed off when I admitted to being depressed and assured them that I was going to therapy. If you are doing what you need to be doing, it will be okay.

I'm also glad that you have someone you trust to call for help with Jeremy when you need to. And that you were able to go and get help. I didn't ever have that. The next time I was suicidal, my husband was out of town, and I was a lump on the floor, and I had nobody. But it was realizing that I couldn't leave my children to find and deal with my dead body all alone that kept me from acting on it that night. So, I hope you will continue to ask for help when you need help, and remember that Jeremy needs you, and he needs the best you that you can be. He depends on you to get help when you need it too. You're doing all the right things. Keep it up!

Love,
Rap

[AAAAA]

((((Rain)))) you are an excellent mother! You proved this by going to get help! You are doing everything in your power to give him a stable, healthy, happy home! I'm sure that CPS will do see this. This really is a good thing! It will keep you therapy which is something you need to remain healthy. You've opened up a whole new world that will give you the tools you need to live a better life. I'm sorry that it's tough right now, but I have no doubt you will find this is the best thing that you could have ever done! Thoughts and prayers with you!

[PleaseHelp]

(((Rain))) You did the right thing by going in and getting help. Jeremy knows that you are doing the right thing for him. Keep strong, hon. I'm here for you if you need me.

[eskielover]

((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))),

God works in mysterious ways.......it was good that you went for the help when you did & not wait ("if you had known this would happen"). You went when you needed the help & it might be good that CPS is having Jeremy stay with your cousin for a little while.....after that many nights without sleep....you have to be exhausted & need the time alone to just recouperate without having to care for anyone other than yourself. I know I get to that point many times when I end up too exhausted to function. The med change happened with good effects.....but that still didn't immediately get you rested back up from the lack of sleep.....relax & enjoy the time you have without the responsibility of caring for Jeremy's every need....looking forward to when he's back with you....but relaxing & caring for yourself in the meantime.

You both will be better off.....I am sure that Jeremy was sensing your anxiety & depression.....& that wasn't good for him either. Things usually happen for the good & the good is you getting back to being strong.....sadly CPS got involved....but even that is good as you may find out about some good help you didn't know existed before.....& the forced time for you to get rested back up can never be a bad thing either.

It sounds like you all will be better off for the right decision you made to go for help when you did....& with good results, I am sure you will do the right thing the next time if it happens again.

God guides us to the right decisions....don't try to second guess those decisions.

Debbie

[DocClyde]

(((Bowz and Jeremy)))

Love you both

[KathyM]

((Rainbow))

Please do whatever it takes to get better, for the sake of your son. If it exhausts you past your limit, remember your love for him. A good mother will crawl through the mud for her child, and you're a good mother.

My son is very sick with a strep throat, and the VA hospital is giving him a hard time. His dad is going to take him up there again and see if we can get some medicine for him.

I'd go with if I could, but I'm very sick too - having trouble getting out of bed. However, if they toss placebos or experimental drugs at him again, we'll make a third trip. It will be embarrassing to walk up to the desk in my messy hair, dirty robe, and slippers while talking gibberish - but that was the commitment I made when I had him.

Who cares if he's a grown man - much larger than me and kinda scary lookin' after coming home from war. He'll ALWAYS be my baby. Jer will always belong to you.

Okay. I am hella pissed off right now.

CPS came today and talked to me, judged that it would be ok for him to come home today. The only thing they told me was that they wanted me to do a bit of cleaning before he came home. straighten up the toys and such.. which I was FINE with.

So I'd been cleaning for a couple of hours now.. and I called my birth coach/cousin to tell her it would be alright to bring him back whenever she felt like it.. to which she SNOTTILY replyed she wasn't bringing him back yet because she was TOLD that she was NOT to bring him back until the place was clean!!!!!!



I was not told this, I was only told that it would be a good idea to clean up some before he got home, which I did. So I asked her to whose standard the apartment should be clean, and she SNOTTILY replied that I "should know what clean is" and she had told me this earlier. Well, sort of.. she called and said she would bring him up when I had finished cleaning. Which in my opinion, IT IS. The only thing left is a half load of dishes.

I've got a call into CPS but they are now closed, so I don't know what I am supposed to do. I've already told her im done, but shes refusing to bring my child back. And then my other aunt had the audacity to tell me she doesn't feel like i should have jeremy back until I see the psychiatrist, which is going to be a FEW WEEKS!!!!

I am so NOT IMPRESSED right now. I am in tears, I don't know what else they want me to do!!!!

I absolutely, definetly, surely will NOT be going for help again when I need it, because I feel like they think im psychotic or something now, they are trying to find every excuse in the book to keep Jeremy from me and theres nothing I can do about it because CPS is now closed for the day.

So thats just fabulous.

[AAAAA]

(((Rain))) I'm so sorry that this isn't going smoothly. And you're right, clean is a subjective thing. I've got OCD and I used to clean from the moment I got up/off of work until I went to bed. My mother of all people told me "quit worrying about cleaning up after your kids as soon as they put something down and PLAY with them." It clicked.

After that my house was always clean but usually messy. Call CPS first thing in the morning.

[KathyM]

That sucks. All I can suggest is to have yourself a good cry, then get back to washing those dishes. When they are finished, look around and see what else you can do for your son's welfare to prove you can do this on your own.

At least your son is being cared for right now by someone you know and love. While he's gone, learn how to "play house." Learn how to become a responsible adult for your son. This will set an example for him. When you're done and he's all grown up, you can relax and play with your son again.