Need to vent...please read if you can

I'm not posting this to be a poor little me thing...I am logging this here to have a record of when a specific trigger occurs for me to analyze later when I calm down...
There is some references of political views & PTDS & Loss of a child so if this may trigger you please avoid reading any further.

I worked up the courage to fill out the application on the $25,000 forgivable loan that I mentioned. I had to turn it in IN PERSON...go me (big step)

I was informed that I would be contacted for an "interview"

so here's where the negative feelings start rolling in...filling out the application, I met every single eligibility critera but then came the info for race, gender, etc. I just saw my chances deminish with each box I checked....I checked, not hispanic....so one advocacy group gone on my behalf...I checked white...which means I fall on the wrong side of affirmative action...I checked male....which means, I do not have gender equality groups in my corner...I checked no to being gay...so I can't claim discrimination...I am not a war vet...another option closed...I am not on disability or recovering from substance abuse...so I'm seen as "less" needy for help... If anything, my mental health issues the last year may make me too "high risk"...so I was feeling less hopeful leaving....even though I've got more mathematics than 98% of this nation & it's concidered a crucial need

here's where the trigger really went on over load...
walking out of applying for this loan, I walked into a crowd of about 200 local protester, protesting this social program because it's part of the stimulus package....This whole "tea Party" garbage...people with megaphones shouting things like "you can't solve debt with debt" & your spending my tax money on "social programs we don't need"....waving their American flags which if any of the morons would read the tag were probably made in China. When they say social probrograms "we" don't need what they really mean is social programs "I" don't need.
when they say "you can't get out of debt by spending more money" also buy the analogy that "you have to spend money to make money" So which is it? It can't be both?
I understand it's their 1st amendment rights & not to take it personally...but when you side with this mind set, you are directly trying to slam doors on me, my wife & my kids
This istantly triggered flash backs to the feeling of feeling as though I'm being ganged up on like when my son was murdered & the local news media kept hounding me
I just took a xanax, my hands are shaking, my palms are sweaty & I've got that weird "lumpy" feeling in my throat again. I hate that I let them make me feel like a sociatal leach when I try to better myself to eventually provide a service that the current work force in this country is deficiant in...which is the cold hard truth...most of my professors at this level are not from America & I have a hard time understanding them because there isn't enough American's with these skills to teach it
I did the factory thing for a decade...I have a wrecked back from the physical labor, I have breathed in so many chemicals that have killed more brain cells than marijuana ever could...yet we freak over pot
BTW, I don't smoke pot so I have no bias in that statement.

I get home, find out my wifes friend was informed today that her job is moving to india...todays her birthday...& she just went in for invetro fertilization yesterday

These people ought to be more obsessed with fixing free trade laws to be more fairt for American's & point there anger at the corperations instead of these social programs that open up opportunities for us to be competitive in the future...

They of course assume that most of this money is going to go to illegal immagrants who live in this area....which I understand because that what I'm skeptical about as I'm checking I'm not hispanic...but damn it, this ain't me & your going to make it harder on me
I need a flippen hug

((thelionkinglives))

more where that came from
holler if ya want 'em
Cap

Just a itty-bitty thought but your chances may be better than you think...mathematic teachers are in great demand. school districts are fighting over them. my niece had to return to teaching after her husband left...her degree is in mathematics and all she had to do was be re-certified as a teacher...while she was working. she was given a year to do it.
Also, the fact that you are male will count...role model.
Add in your coaching skills/experience with disabled kids.

RE the demonstrators? I totally relate. My first attempt with grad school I cut short because of the attitudes of some of my professors and many of my classmates...they zoned in on me as soon as they found out I served in Nam as an Army nurse.
It was not something I could handle right then, but did later.
By "later," my attitude was FU and no one messed with me.

Please...try and let their crap slide right off of you, lionking.
it's not worth letting them live in your head rent free.
your vent was a good honest one and I hope it relieved some of the anger.

Peace and Power,
Cap

((Capp))
Thanks for the. I'm still seething some but I tried to find a positive outlet....I took my son to the batting cages

As for the demand for math teachers...yeah, I hear what your saying. When I started this journey through college 5 years ago, I saw where the economy was heading & was sold on the math idea, plus I knew I wanted to work with kids. I'm just a little frustrated right now, because I'm so close & the economic situation is causing delays in typical funding methods. So I'm hoping that they see what I bring to the table in the community. This is something that is being offered to many people in my specific area in town. We currently have the 15th highest unemployment rate in the U.S. & 5th if you exclud California. My part of town is in a lower working class industrial, manufacturing hub. Since the manufactoring jobs are drying up, people are leaving this city in droves. So this is being offered to people to get them to stay & help recreate this city. i'm hoping since I had the forsight to start this 5 years ago they will see I'm closer to being able to provide the new skill set that can help than someone just recently laid off. This is going to come down to me trying to "sell myself" which is not something I'm comfortable doing.

It would be nice if the fact that I'm male could be an advantage. I've actually considered this angle in my "pitch".I'm going into a field that is perdominately female. While one of the major problems our district has is truancy & violence related to young male teens. So being able to bring a male perspective to address the issue may be a plus...it may be a long shot but I've made "unorthodox" pitches in the past. Thanks.

Now as for your experience after vietnam...first let me say, I genuinely honor your service to this country. My father was a WWII & Korean war vet. I found it utterly disgusted about the way you service members were treated when you returned to the states. Regardless of how people felt about the war itself you guys were honoring the oath you took.
All be it nothing like the reaction you guys face, I saw what happen today as similar as in I felt it was uneducated misguided anger.

as for my rant, let me make it clear I support those advocacy groups I referenced. Unfortunately, the statistics show they are very much needed in this country thanks to outdated anglosaxon "good old boys network". I do not begrudge any group using the means available to level the playing field...I just sometimes feel like I slip through the cracks personally
I actually hold more anger towards the "good old boy" system more responsible for making it harder on me because they provide the proof that the need for all the other advocacy groups are needed.

All my life, I feel like I've been the one rocking the boat. when people just want me to shut up & "play the game" which could get me by...but I have to feel like I can look myself in the mirror when it's all done & feel I did it the "right way" whatever that is. My wife always tells me the biggest thing I need to learn is to pick my battles....I know she's right, but it's just part of who I am

I hate when people try to use the "be a good American" card when you start to criticize...the way I see it is my dad sacrificed his sanity & depending on what you believe spiritually & what is murder, maybe even sacrificed his soul for my freedom of speech. He died known more for being a psychotic drunk than a war hero, buried in some plot in Florida without so much as a tombstone...I feel I am somehow dishonoring that sacrifice when I "keep my mouth shut"

being here at PC is really helping me. I hate to use another sports analogy but I'm kinda like a team that's been on a long losing streak....I just need to get a couple "wins" under my belt to build my confidence again, I'll get there....with much gratitude to this community for helping me get there

Lionking, I come from NE OH so know all about sports teams with long losing streaks but given all you have already dealt with, and you're working towards, you already have some wins and I am sure there are going to be many more as you get closer and closer to your goal of enriching and helping educate kids. What a great thing to work for and I agree with CAP, the demand for mathematics teachers is gigantic and hopefully, under this administration, we really will be able to begin improving the education system and becoming a country which can compete -- and math is certainly one of the areas for that so you're on a great course.

As for the tea party group you ran into, I could go on and on about the irony that they're now complaining about government spending and the stimulus packages given the excessive spending (and the first of the stimulus packs) that have damaged our country for the past 8 years but that's isn't the issue. My grandmother always said "consider the source" when listening to other's opinions and whether you let it have any impact on you. I love CAP's "it's not worth letting them live in your head rent free" as that's so true. It's not personal, it's not rational, it's just political and coming from a panic that they've lost power and don't want another party to be the ones to succeed in digging us out of this awful situation. Example: some of the senators most complaining again it are also the ones who are asking for high amounts for their states.

That you are stepping forward to take advantage of something that will help you and your family to not only survive but hopefully thrive these tough times is a real strength so celebrate that you're far smarter than those who would rather sit with their heads in the sand. I hope you get the loan and it can help you to move forward with achieving your dreams!

Another boat rocker (thank heavens for us or life would be the status quo)

(((hug))) I hope you do receive help that will get you onto your feet again!

I wouldn't take the TEA party members quite so "personally" and I wish they hadn't affected you that way. I stand with them, actually, because what they say basically is true. It's going to be very hard for everyone to get back where they need to be, and we will all suffer to do so..but if we do things will be better later on. But, you know, you are one person right now doing the best you can...and that's good imo!

I hope things go well for you... hey, you ARE a minority (male) in that field, right???

Sky, first let me say thank you for your kind words & since I know this is a political hot topic & I remember reading a memo once that to be careful with anything political. I'm going to tread lightly hear because I want to make sure I'm not breaking guidlines. I'm going to trust that we can lightly touch on this topic in a mature respectable way. It is actually predicated on a specific mental health issue conserning me & it just happens to circle some political stuff...

I understand with the not taking it "personal" I know they were not there specifically against me...it stunned me to be honest. When I walked into city hall to hand in the application it was calm & I happen to step out right into the middle of it. I know they didn't know what I was at city hall for. For all they know I was threre to pay my water bill. I initially posted it because I wanted to log down a trigger that causes my anxiety panic issues just to help me evaluate myself...They were not violent in anyway. They were exercising their rights.

For me, it just brought back the flood of feelings I had when my son was murdered & the media hounded me. It istantly triggered that "piling on" feeling.

just to put it out there. If I had to clasify myself. I am a left leaning independent. I do not tow any party line. I have voted for both Republican's & Democrates. I genuinely believe either "playbook" can work.
If I can use another sports analogy. You can win a football game by passing or by running. It depends on the coaching & the execution of the plays being called.

The odd thing with these Tea Party's is where the heck were they the last 8 years? I as a high school dropout at the time with just a decent concept of cause & effect & basic math saw this precise situation 5 years ago. In fact, that was exactly what I said the day I quit my job & came home & told my pregnant wife I was going to college. I said we have 4-6 years & this area's jobs are going to dry up. I knew the stock market was falsely proped up because it was too unstable. the day to day movement was down right bizaar.

I will not argue that there are a handful of valid complaints by the groups. that's the way extremist get support regardless of if it's "right-wing" or the "left wing". They take a handful of lagitimate issues then slowly include more radicle causes. That's what goes wrong with many revolutions is they get hi-jacked.

I completely agree, especially if you consider yourself a capitalist that there should not be bailout of private businesses. But corporate welfare has been in place for years, why complain now? Most of the bailouts started under Bush & were wrong then...I complained then. I did not like that Obama continued that...so I still complain about that.

However, I completely agree with the government having control of the private businesses if they took the money from the government.
It get's frustrating when the "social program's" are then lumped in with the corporate bail outs.

What did these people think they were never going to get taxed??Common sense...you had a president for 8 years, spend money like a drunken sailor, tax nobody while he was doing it & regulated no one who got the money...it's a recipe for disaster...that's not republican, that's not democrate that's just math....eventually the nation was going to need to pay the piper...I just see their protest as 8 years late & 10 trillion dollars short.

They are clustering the corporate buy outs with the stimulus package. we have the largest number of people going on social security at the same time. It's just frustrating when everyone wants everyone fixed...but no one wants their precious wallet touched to do it.
just kind of curious...look arouund the crowd at these event see what patterns & tthemes you notice.

If is going too political at this point just let me know & I will close the thread. I'm kinda trusting that it can be respectful to all views

uggg....Browns, Indians, Cavs....atleast you have Lebron James

Thanks for noticing I have had some wins...I'm mostly refering to a time period from last Valintine's Day to now. I allowed the issue of dealing with a mental health diagnosis effect my confidence in myself & cause me to second guess myself. I'm having such a hard time with the simplest of decisions. I never thought of my tendancy to change careers when I get bored as a "mental illness" symptom I always saw it as being self confident enough to step out of a comfort zone & try new things.

I adjusted my meds today, I'm curious to see how that goes. I took a much more assertive approach in deciding my treatment. As many know here, so I won't rehash why...unless your curious I do not trust governement & medicine very easily. I believe my initial diagnosis was wrong last year & I feel it was because what they dianosed me is cheaper & easy to treat than treating PTSD as the primary issue. Especially since I'm on the medical card. Privatized medicine, you gotta love it Sure let's make it o.k. for people to profit off of people being sick & whatever you do don't regulate it

Anyway...I chose to up my Zoloft from 50 mg to 100 mg. renewed my adderall & xanax subscription. And my favorite part...I GOT MY AMBIEN REFILLED!! yessss....I kissed the bottle as soon as I got it. I'm looking foward to getting a good cat nap tonight...get it...cat nap...lion...me

I'm going to wait a couple days to take the sanity quiz again to see if it's having an effect.

I think my doctor was so shocked I was agreeing to any meds....she knew better than to even suggest the bi-polar meds.

Bt, I will be the first one to make fun of my grammar & spelling. That is why i major in math

I said hear when I meant here...dooof