[kdclement]

I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months, which has been very healing in so many ways but sometimes I don't allow myself room to make mistakes which can be crazy making all in itself. With insecurities there is no medication that can instantly make it all better. I kept thinking I won't ever get better, why am I still crying over every little thing that someone says, even if it doesn't have anything to do with me. I will take it and put a spin on it somehow and something creaps up on me and says I'm not wanted or I will find any reason why someone doesn't want me around which then I take it and run with it, then it's a complete mess and I'm freaking out, crying and making a fool out of myself.

A little about me when I was younger:

From the time I can remember my Mother has had Epilepsy. She couldn't take a lot of noise b/c the smallest things at that time would push her into a seizure. Her seizures were grand malls, and if you know anything about Epilepsy, it is very scary to a young child. The screaming and thrashing was something I never was able to deal with and every time she needed me as I got older I would freeze and cry. I couldn't move to do what was needed. As I have been working with my counselor and writing in my journal I have been able to come quite a ways in my journey to heal. The anger, the denial, and feeling like I failed her at such a young age is something I have lived with all my life and I haven't realized when something big happens to me and I'm expected to do something important, I feel like I fail because I freeze and cry. I become that little girl again and throw some kind of fit, trying to figure out what someone else has done to cause it. I created a cacoon for myself as a teenager and pretty much locked myself away in my room so I wouldn't have to deal with the chaos my family was always in most days. As I grew older I found out that my whole family, 5 kids including me, my mother and father were all bipolar. It made for a very interesting curcus. I'm sure it would have either been a great sitcom or a scary movie on any given day. In that I spent most of my days alone and scared to deal with life outside my bedroom, I still find myself in my 40's doing the same thing. It's frustrating for me when someone asks why I'm feeling the way I do and I can't answer. I still freeze and cry, feeling myself crumble over something that could be easily taken care of by just talking about it.

I'm sure I could write a book about all of this and I'm sure there will be more as I discover more about myself and what causes me to do the things I do. Maybe it's more about over analizing myself than anything.

Plus, I just got a call to go into work early so I must go now, but I will be back to write more.

Have a great day
hugs to you all
K