[3furrykidsmom]

I think I'm in dire need of ECT treatments even though the 3 I had 8 years ago left me in a huge rage after each treatment. I am labeled "treatment resistant" and this is what my doctor is wanting for me as I have literally been on every typical and non-typical med for chronic major depression, PTSD, Agoraphobia, panic and anxiety disorders, social anxiety, OCD, night terrors, day flashbacks, and I'm sure a much longer list that I'm too exhausted to examine right now. When I had my 3 in-patient ECT's about 8 years ago, I awoke in a huge, total rage!!! No one in the hospital or staff present during the treatments ever followed up with me and no one ever asked me any questions about my experience. I am assuming, based on my experiences, that I got sub-par treatment and no follow-up because I am on disability due to my mental illnesses and I have Medicare and Medicaid....which I don't know if any of you have ever encountered biases for being on this type of insurance, but I sure have in stark comparison to when I was working as a social worker (with mentally ill adults, ironically....boy does God have a great sense of humor!!! If I had only known what was in store for me later in life......I mean, I cannot even articulate the blazing irony about me now being in a position where one can say: "The teacher now becomes the student" If anything, this total 180" flip in my life has taught me great humility and the challenge of accepting "It is what it is." to survive now being amongst your one-time clients as now, one of their peers.....I guarantee you...it is a total mind-blower!!!!! Very strange, I assure you.) When I was working I was always given good care medically, but since I went on to Medicare and Medicaid I have seen much judgment and inadequate care and interactions. My question is have any of you ever had ECT's and awoke in a rage?? You are supposed to awake, after the drugs wear off, feeling better and having hope....I was in an uncontainable rage all three times. As I said, no one at the hospital or after my discharge ever talked with me about my treatments and my thoughts on their efficacy. My hunch is, after I have endured 15 years of the most brutal, vicious, unconscionable, and horrific child abuse I went into an even more abusive foster home and then straight into the arms of what was to become the first of a long list of physically abusive boyfriends for the next 27 years. The brutal type in which I was hospitalized often and left for dead many, many times. I think I awoke in a rage because my brain had been protecting me by hiding horrid and hard to "wrap my head around" images and experiences from my consciousness for my own protection. Mind you, I have always been very open and forthcoming with information and specifics about my 42 years of abuse. I have been in therapy for about 32 years and held no info back from my therapists or psychiatrists. I always was of the thinking that if I dealt with my abuse head on that it would not rear up it's ugly head when I was in my 40's.....thereby crushing the fake world I might have created. I will say, being open and honest about my abuse my whole life has not made my life any easier.......I often wonder if I made the right choice to decide to live with total open honesty and to not feel shame for something out of my control. However, my life has been filled with daily flashbacks, nightmares and disturbing images and shocking realizations.....therefore, my life has not been better by being open and honest......anyway, I am feeling like I am in need of ECT treatments again, even though I vowed to never ever even give that option one moment of my thoughts. I feel stuck and hopeless and have felt this way for almost 10 years. So, I am asking if any of you have ever awoke from ECT's in a rage.....I need to know how you interpreted that reaction and what did you did with your emotions about that experience. Also, if you have experienced rage after an ECT, would you ever consider going through the procedure again. Please! Anyone's input, advice, suggestions, thoughts, theories...etc....are very welcome and will be much appreciated. Thank you for giving me a safe outlet to ask such a personal and vulnerable question.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome, and you're welcome for our listening. I have yet to have ECT. What does your doc say about your chances of waking in rage again? I haven't heard of that.

[3furrykidsmom]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Welcome, and you're welcome for our listening. I have yet to have ECT. What does your doc say about your chances of waking in rage again? I haven't heard of that.

My current psych (nurse practitioner) is not very kind or receptive or appreciative of my insight fulness and introspective info or my feelings...........she basically has disregarded my personal opinions. We had a lengthy heated debate about how I needed to be received as credible to her.....asking her to believe in my perceptiveness and ability to look at myself and my thoughts and behaviors objectively.....she told me that she was not interested in me being credible and that she would rely on my neighbors input and my therapist's input to see how I was actually doing.....and not my own reports. Of course, this is extremely invalidating to me. I want to get a different mental health provider, but my therapist suggests that I try and stick it out with this "cold and unapproachable" one and give her a chance. Often, you are labeled as an "agitator" or a "difficult patient" when you attempt to be proactive and highly verbal regarding your psych needs. I mean, it's difficult to deal with the "God complex" that many doctors have and they dislike highly being questioned on their decisions about your care. I will bide my time with this current emotionally repressed provider, but I am keeping my eyes and ears open for the first chance I can change providers with a legitimate reason other than saying its' a "personality clash". It's sad but true, when you are mentally ill, you are often thought of as uneducated, flawed, without healthy coping skills and somewhat not as valid as a person without mental illness. I always tell my doctors that I may have mental illness but that in no way means that I have lost my intelligence, my intuitiveness and my ability to be lucid. Of course, most doctors do not like you challenging them or bringing your own theories to the table. So, she doesn't seem to care or have thoughts about me telling her that my ECT's gave me rage.........so, now that your question to me has got me thinking......I think I will hold off on thinking any more about having more ECT's until I find the right mental health provider that is a better fit for me......meaning....finding one that is kind, compassionate and appreciate about my abillity to articulate my symptoms and my behaviors and my thoughts and to validate that I am aware of my despondency and I actually have come to learn what motivates or propels me into a depression and I've also recently discovered through being very introspective about why I won't shower for the past 4 months.....I believe that I'm punishing myself for a past bad mistake and I don't think fI deserve to be clean and presentable. Of course, this enlightenment only came to me after me struggling for about 10 years with the issue of me not showering.....I could never figure it out and why I was so afraid and opposed to showering........I just finally came to this conclusion....again, after a decade of not knowing why. I used to daily fix my hair, my makeup, my wardrobe and have matching purses and shoes and beautiful jewelry. I just suddenly quit dressing and stayed in the same night gown for months and months (the upside to that is there is little to no laundry to do...). I will say, I have also come to realize through my soul searching that being well dressed and curled hair and good makeup and jewelry and accessories may make me more accepted by our shallow society's standards and perhaps make me more attractive to men.....but I now know that none of those things make me more valuable as a human being at all. They might make me feel better about myself, though, so I do see the need of showering to be legitmately valuable to me in that respect but I have had to abandon that those things will heal my mental illness or make me a more worthwhile human being. It is what I'm like inside as a human and my actions and words towards others that will define me and my worth. It is a delicate line to walk.......the motivation needed to shower.......for me, my truth and my honesty to myself and others is highly important and for me to be authentic is one of my highest priorities.....so I don't dress up and look good on the outside to make my insides feel better...I am a "what you see is what you get" person. So, it's important for me to look on the outside to reflect how I'm doing on the inside. It's my personal "thermometer" or "gage" to myself on how well I'm doing or not doing.

[lozza89]

I have never had ECT but when I was in hospital last my room mate was receiving ECT and everytime she would come out of the anesthetic in a rage (very disorientated, trying to rip out I/V and the blood pressure thingy.. you could also hear her screaming from the room ) she mentioned this to the ECT nurse and was just told that it was how she reacted to coming out of the anesthetic and it wasn't anything to worry about..

hope this is helpful to know you are not alone and if you decide to do ECT again I wish you all the best and it goes well.

The rage definitely could be a reaction to the anesthesia. Maybe you could research anesthesia side effects and see if rage is one. They could use a different drug on you if that is the case.

But more importantly you need a doctor who will listen to your concerns. I have had numerous ECT's and done fine with them all. I feel so much better. My doctor listens to me and schedules the treatments accordingly. He increased the frequency when I was not feeling better and is now decreasing the frequency. You need to find the right doctor.

I found this quote when looking up rage as a possible side effect of anesthesia....

"My problem is that I am experiencing a wide range of both emotional and physical symptoms that I attributed to the anesthesia but thought by now I should be stabelizing. I alternate from intense rage to weeping, sobbing, depression to euphoria"

this person was not having ect, she was having surgery.