[NowhereUSA]

My depression is nightmarish and even that feels like an understatement. It has lots of components but I go from severely depressed into hell regularly and I've really struggled this last month to figure out where to go from here.

Possible trigger:

I have been quite ready to kill myself for some time even though I don't really *want* to die, I just... this depression has been unbearable in so many ways.

Long story short, after lots of med tries, my pdoc referred over to a nearby hospital that does ketamine infusions.

Yesterday I had my first treatment. The nurses said everyone can react differently to the drug. For me, it was an intensely pleasurable experience. I'm giddy when I've had too much to drink, so it was like I had that factor without the slurring and the sluggishness that come from alcohol. I was really into silly songs on my iPod though (I need to put more on there). I was super giggly. I think I laughed at one point for five minutes straight.

It was a 40 minute IV infusion with a 20 minute wait. I was clear headed within about four hours.

The way it was described to me, the ketamine grows neurons and that growth can continue three days after an infusion.

Last night is the first night that I can remember where I went to bed *just tired* - normally I'm incredibly depressed, like I can't even breathe. I go to sleep for relief. Last night though, while certainly I still have my depression, it wasn't like an elephant was sitting on me. Maybe a really big dog?

This morning I didn't wake up with the thought, "Oh. I'm still alive." I was just... awake.

I have another infusion on Thursday and I'll end up with a total of six. If need be, I might have to do maintenance infusions but we'll see. The pdoc running it says that in his clinic he's seen a third have drastic improvements, a third minor improvement, and a third none at all. He was part of a trial a while back and said that the best results came from those with *only* a depression diagnosis.

I have MDD with GAD, but my GAD has always been linked to my MDD. When my MDD is stable, my GAD is manageable. When I'm spiraling towards hell, my anxiety increases also.

I'm cautiously optimistic. With nothing having worked thus far, I didn't really expect anything with this one.

Another, final, notable change: my suicidal ideation is practically silent. I mean, that morning, the day before, I was struggling *hard* and now I'm like, "No. I'm okay thanks."

I'll try to keep this up-to-date as I go through the infusions (part of it is for my own sake too, to track things).

I didn't know this drug was being used to treat depression. Your experience so far sounds great. Do keep us updated I'm interested to know how you get on. Good luck!

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by chickenfoot

I didn't know this drug was being used to treat depression. Your experience so far sounds great. Do keep us updated I'm interested to know how you get on. Good luck!

Yeah. I guess there was a suggestion about ten years ago? But trials and studies have only been done more frequently in the last few years. I remember reading about it for the first time about a year, year and a half ago. At the time no one was offering it in my area. Then this past month, my pdoc and therapist consulted with another pdoc who was like, "So there's this pdoc at this hospital..."

So far so good. It's about lunch time where I'm at and I was able to get up and go for a walk without any of the motivational struggle. That was mind boggling. I usually have to talk myself into it and many times it never happens. *sigh*

[unaluna]

Thats amazing. Im glad to hear youre having even these moments of lightness.

[LettinG0]

Very interesting indeed. I'm glad you are able to try this treatment. Definitely keep us updated on the benefits, drawbacks, and your mood!

[kiwi33]

An on-line friend of mine with treatment-resistant depression has found ketamine very beneficial.

[NowhereUSA]

I went for my second treatment yesterday (Thursday).

Wednesday was hard, I felt bummed but it was manageable. The day of treatment though was harder. This time my husband couldn't come with me because he had the kids, so he just dropped me off and picked me up. We had a spat right before I went in and the ketamine seemed to make it more raw. It still felt good but not nearly as good as the first time. That set off a lot of anxiety and I felt lonely.

I ended up crying when my husband picked me up. I spent the rest of the day resting and feeling really depressed (though still not as depressed as before my first treatment). I had half a glass of wine that evening and played my video game. By the time I was ready to go to bed, I felt tired but not horribly depressed. This morning I feel "okay" and "okay" in my book is still really huge.

I go again on Monday. So we'll see how this weekend bears out.

[LettinG0]

Thanks for the update. Sorry it was rough. Keep us posted

[NowhereUSA]

Thanks. I went for a walk this morning and it was a good walk. I feel settled in myself and calm which is nice. As my husband said, "Sounds like you just had a bad day. We all have those." LOL I'm hoping this is just a bumpy ride to some kind of healing.

[NowhereUSA]

Treatment #3 was today.

It's kind of mind boggling that I'm halfway through the six-round treatment set. They've been giving me a depression screening each time and where as normally I'm pretty much "3" all the way down (on a scale of 0-3 where 0 is none of the days and 3 is everyday over the last two weeks), this time I found myself marking 2 (over half the days) straight down.

It's definitely doing something. I've had people comment they notice something "different" about me. My husband has noticed a shift in my daily mood. I've noticed especially these last three or four days. I've woken up, been able to get going, gotten things done. I've been silly with my kids and my husband.

I have learned that I'm just going to be really tired after my treatment. I'm worn out right now. Good thing I had dinner in the crockpot...

[Loial]

I'm fascinated to read about your ketamine treatment & I am glad to hear it is having an impact. I hope it continues to do so.

I myself used to be a recreational drug user & frequented forums of that ilk in the past. One thing that I came across was many users describing the anti-depressant qualities of ketamine with some even going as far as self-medicating with small doses. It really pleases me that treatment programs like yours exist as it shows people can get past illicit nature of drugs like these & discover psycho-therapeutic uses for them.

[NowhereUSA]

Fourth treatment yesterday.

I can officially say I notice a big change. Two weeks ago I was suicidal and didn't know how I was going to make it. Today, I have bouts of melancholy but for the most part I'm motivated and able to do things. It's... kind of amazing actually.

I still don't know how long this will last after I'm done (last treatment is next Thursday), but I didn't expect anything to happen.

I had to go alone again yesterday (we had the kids, so he had to stay with them), but this time, my husband stayed positive and unstressed for me (he's a great guy) and so I went in with a really upbeat mindset. The experience was great, and after he had flowers for me.

This time on my depression battery I didn't have any threes and even had a few ones!!

[NowhereUSA]

Thursday was my last treatment (#6). I'll see the doc in a couple weeks for a follow up and to determine if I need maintenance treatments and what that would look like.

It's been mind-boggling to me. I'm significantly better. On the PHQ-9, when I started, I was scoring a 25+ (severely depressed). At my last treatment I scored a six. I have never in my life ever scored that low.

I've noticed my ability to feel and to interact has drastically changed.

So. I don't know. I hope it sticks. At least I know it works even if I need maintenance infusions (although apparently injections are an option too).

[kiwi33]

NowhereUSA, it is good to read that it is helping you.

Injections are certainly an option - my friend (who I mentioned above) gets her ketamine by i.m. injection.

Something that you could discuss with your doctor?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by kiwi33

NowhereUSA, it is good to read that it is helping you.

Injections are certainly an option - my friend (who I mentioned above) gets her ketamine by i.m. injection.

Something that you could discuss with your doctor?

Yeah, it's something we'll talk about at my follow up appointment. I think he likes to do infusions first? He said something about a higher chance of it affecting my blood pressure but since I didn't have any blood pressure issues during the infusion, I think I should be fine.

I don't like IVs so I'm open to that route when I see him.

I'm glad you've found something that works for you.

[cloudyn808]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Yeah, it's something we'll talk about at my follow up appointment. I think he likes to do infusions first? He said something about a higher chance of it affecting my blood pressure but since I didn't have any blood pressure issues during the infusion, I think I should be fine.

I don't like IVs so I'm open to that route when I see him.

Aloha Nowhere,

Thanks so much for your postings. In 4-hours I have my first infusion.... I'm a bit nervous but I would do anything for some relief. Your words have given me hope.

Originally Posted by cloudyn808

Aloha Nowhere,

Thanks so much for your postings. In 4-hours I have my first infusion.... I'm a bit nervous but I would do anything for some relief. Your words have given me hope.

How did it go?

[cloudyn808]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

How did it go?

Had the 1st infusion on Monday, OMG!!! Horrible experience. It's the same as a trip on PCP (angel dust) (which I had many experiences with 30+ years ago) I'm happy that some people are finding some relief from this poison but it was unbearable physically and mentally for me.

For the last 48-hours I have experienced extreme nausea, dizziness, vision disturbances, problems speaking, cognition problems, unsteady gait and feeling like I've had an awful case of stomach flu. Yes, I got to "trip" and see God but it wasn't fun or the least bit pleasurable whatsoever. My blood pressure was high, my anxiety went through the roof and being
paralyzed is not my idea of a good time anymore. Wish I would have "felt" any change in my mood but...nothing. I will never put myself through that experience again even though I am desperate for any relief.

I thought ECT was brutal... I would do ECT before I would consider doing Ketamine again...

I'm sorry it didn't work for you.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by cloudyn808

Had the 1st infusion on Monday, OMG!!! Horrible experience. It's the same as a trip on PCP (angel dust) (which I had many experiences with 30+ years ago) I'm happy that some people are finding some relief from this poison but it was unbearable physically and mentally for me.

For the last 48-hours I have experienced extreme nausea, dizziness, vision disturbances, problems speaking, cognition problems, unsteady gait and feeling like I've had an awful case of stomach flu. Yes, I got to "trip" and see God but it wasn't fun or the least bit pleasurable whatsoever. My blood pressure was high, my anxiety went through the roof and being
paralyzed is not my idea of a good time anymore. Wish I would have "felt" any change in my mood but...nothing. I will never put myself through that experience again even though I am desperate for any relief.

I thought ECT was brutal... I would do ECT before I would consider doing Ketamine again...

I've heard some people have a rough go on it. I didn't feel like I was tripping. Just kinda like I was drunk without the sluggishness. Do you know what dose it was? That being said, some people react differently to different drugs.

My blood pressure never changed and I wasn't paralyzed (?!). I probably would have felt freaked out if I was paralyzed.

[NowhereUSA]

(And it's not poison, it's a drug - sorry I take umbrage to people calling things what they aren't. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but I've had horrendous experiences with antidepressants and I still wouldn't call them a poison).

[NowhereUSA]

I was just popping on to give an update. It's been a week since my last infusion and I've got a follow up next Wednesday with the pdoc. So far things have remained great for me emotionally

I'm happy for you, Nowhere. Is the treatment supposed to last x long, or indefinitely?

[cloudyn808]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

(And it's not poison, it's a drug - sorry I take umbrage to people calling things what they aren't. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but I've had horrendous experiences with antidepressants and I still wouldn't call them a poison).

Point well taken Nowhere... Its very encouraging that so many who suffer have had positive effects from this "drug."

I'm just disappointed with the lack of new options for severe depression. I profoundly experienced the "k-hole" and had a near-death experience halfway through the infusion. Not necessarily a bad trip but almost identical to injecting Angel-Dust, (PCP). Perhaps it was due to my age and multiple medical issues?

So glad you're feeling better