Traumatized by psychiatry?

I just had a bad panic attack - memories of that time returned.
I tried to show myself that my surroundings looked different.
That I was home and safe but it did not work that well.
I feel bad - like I should feel thankful.
But I feel the opposite...
And guilty because of this.
Maybe it will go away on it's own again over time.
I don't know if I can handle meeting with a mental health professional - I am scared of it.
Therapy scares me.
It makes me feel like they have control over my life. Not me.
And also I am tired of being judged.
Like I got many times.
I don't want to tell my whole story here.
Now chunks of memories of that time are resurfacing.
I feel like I am not allowed to call this trauma.
Or people will tell me to not overreact and to be thankful.
That this is not valid.
I trust my psychiatrist - it will be awful probably to meet him in terms of anxiety but I am trying to tell myself he is different. And has treated me well unlike the rest.
I feel so awful for hating these people.
They just help.
So I should love them for what they do and appreciate their work.
I just can't.
I am scared to open up. For letting one in.
Maybe I can erase the hate (through therapy)
But I feel like the hate is also protecting me...
Even if it makes me feel guilty.
I am not a hateful person neither angry.
But lately I feel like that changed.
And I hate myself for it.
I am scared I am really overreacting like they told me.
And I am wrong in feeling the way I do.
I talked to a friend who also told me that place has added to her trauma - but she has been through so much worse than me.

I just feel like I never left that place.
I feel alone with this but deep down I highly suspect am not and that is saddening.
Nobody talks about this... Like a taboo.
Mental and general hospital were horrible experiences for me... The forced treatment mostly.
Everything that happened now fuels my ED.