I probably need emergency care but I am too scared and ****ed up to go

None of this is going to make sense.

I think I need emergency care but I don’t know where to go. If I go local I’m afraid my family will find out and my privacy will wind up being violated. I’ll be screwed anyway.

If I go to another place I have been at before they will say it’s borderline, prescribe me sleeping pills and tell me to relax and exercise more. I used to be a D1 athlete and I exercise daily.

Another doctor who spent 4 hours going over my history says bipolar II; yet my family doctor says I don’t seem bipolar.

At this point I don’t know. I just feel useless. I hate my life. It’s a complete failure and I feel to blame. I feel barely functional when I do work, and like I am always fighting off panic attacks, even with my antidepressant.

The meds I take sort of help me sleep but they do nothing else. I have been smoking weed very occasionally to take the edge off.

I don’t want to be homeless but I might wind up there. I have no confidence in my future. It’s like everybody progressed without me. I am feeling so lost and trapped.

I’m going in useless circles.