I don't care anymore, so scared, so sad.

I am so scared. In the last month I have been in a partial hospitalization program, inpatient, and I am starting another partial program tomorrow.
I am alone. I am scared. And I am hurting.
Regarding my abuse, I want to pretend it never happened. Any of it. Ever. I do not want to. ever. think about it. ever. ever.
Sometimes I eat. Sometimes I cut.
And when it gets horrible, sometimes I OD.

I don't want to go through the therapy right now. I don't want to work through it, talk about it, think about it. I want it to all go away. To go far, far, far, away and never come back.
I want to be good. I don't want to need these stupid meds to feel ok because they are expensive, and they force me to seek treatment.
I want to go to therapy. I just cant deal with any of the trauma. I keep telling myself. "It didn't happen", "you don't have trauma". But I am not that dumb.

Im 18. I am a junior and college, except now I have to take an extra year to graduate because of all this. And I don't really care that much. But I hurt so much. And I am so scared. And I can't do this. I don't want to do this.

I want to be a therapist. But right now I can barely function without freaking out. I hurt so much. I don't even know what to do.
I can't do this. Idk.

I'm so sorry you're in such pain. I'm experiencing the same thing--not wanting to believe it ever happened. I don't want to verbalize it at all. I have my T appt next week and I'm dreading having to tell him the whole story. I emailed to him last week to tell him that I wanted to talk about it, but now I'm not too sure. I've been told that it is better to face the monster rather than run away from it, so that's what I'm going to do.

Once you begin to heal you may have your meds cut back or even eliminated. And about the extra year in college, I'm a fair bit older than you and know what I'm saying when I tell you that the extra year won't matter in the long run. With all your personal experience you could be an excellent therapist, but in order to do so you have to face your monster and heal.